Lucky Numbers Page #2

and ready to go.

Beautiful lime-green finish.

Looks just like a popsicle.

Now, Larry, is there some reason

that I should know this?

Just if you decide the Jag

is too much of an extravagance.

I'm not selling the Jag.

I'd sell my body parts

to South America before that.

Okay. You're the boss.

Yeah, I am the boss.

Here's another news flash for you.

I'm not losing the house either.

You know what you laymen

fail to realize?

It's not about the snowmobiles.

Come on.

It's about the weather, okay?

One cold front,

a little moist air, and bam!

I'm Rockefeller. I'm on Broadway.

I'm doing the cha-cha-cha.

Yeah!

[ Moaning ]

Oh, God!

Oh, whip me forever!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ Both Moaning ]

[ Russ Sighs ]

Boy, whew!

That is always such a treat.

Oh, with Dick,

it's like having sex with a sloth.

Don't put that image in my head.

Here. Try this just one time.

- No.

- Yeah, it'll help you relax.

I don't even want a contact high.

It makes me nauseous.

You shouldn't even be smoking it.

You're the lotto girl.

You practically work for the state.

Put it out.

Okay, I'm putting it out.

- I have a question to ask you.

- Yeah?

If you had an agent, and you tried

to get him for two weeks,

eight times, and he didn't return

your call, what would you think?

- Um...

- Huh?

I can't relate. I've never had

a guy not call me back.

Oh! I just don't get it.

When I met... I met this guy,

he was... he was gushing.

He wanted to do this for me,

he wanted to do that.

I've had my ass kissed,

but this was really special.

So he is officially your agent?

It's not like you had one meeting.

It's splitting hairs here, you know.

I mean, it was clear

he wanted to sign me.

You know what he said to me?

He said that I delivered the weather

forecast with a Shakespearean flair.

[ Chuckles ]

Was he drunk?

No, he wasn't drunk.

What's wrong with you?

Look. If the guy's not returning

your calls, then fire his ass.

Just hire someone else.

What's the biggie?

- Do you know who Mace Kornberg is?

- Uh-uh.

Do you have any idea

of the pedigree of this man?

Here's a little primer foryou.

He only handled Gene Rayburn

at the height of The Match Game.

Wow. All right,

so he is kind of a big shot.

Yeah, congratulations.

You just won the Cutlass.

I wouldn't be caught dead driving

a Cutlass. I'll trade it in.

Well, how about door number two?

Old reliable.

[ Giggles ]

Wait.

You're in a very small,

select group of guys.

What is it

that makes you successful...

and all the others knocking

on the doors not so successful?

Well, I'm not so sure. You know,

as i travel around the country,

I see on television guys that would

make good game show hosts.

But i don't tell them.

No. The analogy is a game show host

is the icing on the cake,

but the format is the cake.

- Yeah, format is the cake.

- To me, Dick Clark,

for all the things he does,

is an outstanding game show host.

He stays out of the way.

He lets the format work.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's your host, Russ Richards!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's your host, Russ Richards!

[TV Continues, indistinct]

So, Russ, it sounds like we can keep

those scarves and mittens...

in moth balls a while longer then.

That's what it sounds like, Dan.

And the sleds and snowmobiles

can stay in the garage.

That is correct, Heidi.

I think we all get the point.

[Dan] Thanks, Russ.

We'll check in with you later.

- [ Answering Machine Beeps ]

- Hello. You have one message.

[ Beep ]

[ Man ] Uh, yes.

This message is for Rob Richards.

This is Sandy from

the Gabler-Kornberg Agency.

I'm sorry no one got back to you,

but we were away on a retreat.

- Apology accepted, Sandy.

- I wanted to let you know...

that Mr. Kornberg is dead.

He passed away

around eight months ago.

I'm sure had he not,

he would've returned your call.

- Oh, jeez!

- He went quickly.

- Yeah. Yep.

- Bye-bye.

- [ Beep ]

- That was your last message.

[ Sighs ]

Yep, that was my last message.

[Rock]

Russ, let me get this straight.

You don't drink.

You don't do coke.

You're not a p*ssy hound.

Well, what the f***

did you blow your money on?

It just.. lt just went, okay?

Does it matter? What was that?

That's Carla, the Human Cannon.

- Oh, she's good.

- She's Dutch.

- Russ, we go way back.

- Right.

And i like you. I do. I'm a fan.

But 25 grand.

I don't think i can lay my hands

on that kind of money.

- Oh.

- Especially now.

I'm going through

a very messy divorce.

- I'm sure you understand.

- Sure.

I do now.

Okay. Take care, Gig.

Thanks a lot. Take care.

Hypothetically speaking, it's not

like you're without options.

What do you mean?

Well, you do have options.

What are they?

Come. Speak up. Hello?

Take your glasses off.

- [ Hums ]

- Well, what is that?

Russ, i assume you have insurance

on your dealership.

Yeah, so?

Don't you think now would be

the appropriate time to, you know,

make a few claims on, you know,

some of those premiums?

Oh, God. Oh, jeez!

Are you talking about arson?

The last thing you want to

get involved with, mate, is arson.

Well, that's right.

Yes, of course not.

The way to beat an insurance company

these days is with a phony robbery.

Oh, God.

[ Scoffs ]

You are veering in that direction.

That makes me very uncomfortable.

First of... Look. If i weren't, okay,

the president of the Rotary,

the vice president

of the Sunshiny Day Club...

and i'm a Big Brother, Gig.

Russ, it's your money.

[ Sighs ]

The insurance company

is earning interest off it.

The whole "man ofthe people,"

nice guy thing,

it's quaint, but don't you think

it's time to put a cap on it, hmm?

[ Exhales ]

Well, how would it work?

You know, like, you know,

hypothetically speaking.

How would, you know,

how would it go down?

- Well, it's nothing.

- No?

If i were to put it

in medical terms...

where you would equate brain surgery

with a bank robbery,

this would be like a visit

to the podiatrist.

- Hmm.

- And it just so happens...

I have an acquaintance named Dale

who is a specialist in this area.

It's a very simple procedure, Russ.

The whole thing would take...

Forty? Wow.

Fortyminutes, tops.

Dale arrives at your dealership on

a prearranged night with his crew.

[Man] lt's so easy

to blowup your problems

- [ Continues ]

- Findshis way inside.

Leaves the telltale signs

of a break-in...

and gains entrance.

Then it's just a simple matter

of getting thes leds out the back.

I mean, the actual extraction

process is the easiest bit.

And, uh, that's that.

All that's left is between

You and your insurance company.

End of story. Easy as pie.

I, of course, would command

the standard 20 percent consultation fee.

- I figured that.

- You know, it's up to you, Russ.

I mean, only if you're ready

for something like this.

That visit to the podiatrist.

Well, it's like removing a bunion

or something.

An ingrown toe nail,

at the very most.

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