Lucky Numbers Page #7

Synopsis: Winter, 1988: Harrisburg PA's celebrity weatherman, Russ Richards, is broke: he's borrowed heavily to open a snowmobile dealership, and it's still unseasonably warm. Gig, his seedy pal, advises him to run an insurance scam; when it goes awry, Russ is out another $10,000 and in trouble with Dale, a bat-wielding thug. Gig convinces Russ to rig the state lottery with the help of Crystal, a gold-digging ditz with a heart of tin. They have to find a beard to buy the ticket, and then they have to cash it. Soon, murder and various double-crosses add to Russ's nightmare. A lazy cop zeroes in. Jail is closer than riches. Will Russ have to choose between his money and his life?
Genre: Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Nora Ephron
Production: Paramount Pictures
  2 wins & 1 nomination.
 
IMDB:
5.0
Metacritic:
31
Rotten Tomatoes:
22%
R
Year:
2000
105 min
$9,534,013
Website
335 Views


I'll f***in' ball-bat you,

you creep cock sucker.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

[ Coughing ]

- Mint Listerine?

- Yeah.

- When did they come out with this?

- I don't know.

- Is it good?

- Yeah, it's good.

[ Tires Screeching ]

Look, just give this Dale guy

a little extra money.

- It's better than losing it all.

- Better than being dead too.

Crystal, he hits people

with commemorative bats!

He's not gonna hit you with a bat.

He's your friend.

- What?

- Wanna see the jacket i got?

He's not my friend. I just met

this guy. How can he be my f -

- Look - $900.

- [Sighs]

Made in Italy.

I'm not screwing around anymore.

If it wasn't on a boat,

l don't want it.

Stop buying things from Italy.

You are not a millionaire.

We - We are not millionaires.

The first thing we gotta do is find

a reliable, non-asthmatic person...

to cash in this ticket A.S.A.P.,

or we're dead.

Funny you should mention that.

- I think I have another candidate.

- Oh, yeah? Who?

This guy that I was seeing when

l was waitressing at the racetrack.

I think he still works there too.

A real sweet guy.

Bought me a really expensive parrot,

too, from Brazil or something.

My cat bit its head off.

You hated that f***ing bird,

didn't you, sweetie?

The racetrack, eh.

Well, actually,

he's an unofficial employee.

He injects horses with some sh*t

that makes them run faster.

Forget it. Cross him offthe list.

Forget him. Who else?

There is Scatter,

the guy who installed my carpet.

- I went to high school with him.

- The man's name is Scatter?

Yeah, well, he's a total coke freak,

which could work in our favor

because he usually needs money.

No, junkies are problematic.

Let's keep thinking.

Mm-hmm.

- Wanna have sex?

- Oh, yeah.

You know, i...

I wasjust feeling good that day.

Yeah. I, uh...

I don't know what to say.

I'm at a loss, boy.

I'm at a total loss.

I mean, here you are,

supposedly injured, all right?

You're collecting your lieutenant's

salary and full disability.

I didn't even want to do this.

Matt had to talk me into it.

You know how stupid I felt?

The lower back, it's an enigma.

Pat, I'm gonna be straight with you.

Obviously I have alternatives

to pursue, but I'm not gonna...

because - cause I don't

want this getting out.

All right?

It makes everybody look bad.

But from now on,

you are back on full patrol.

Here. Get started with this.

- A missing person's case?

- Yeah, a bookie.

Jerry Green.

No one's seen him for about a week.

Huh. Jeez.

- What happened to him?

- I don't know, Pat.

That's what

you're supposed to find out.

Right. All right.

We talked earlier about the fact

there's a shortage of wading pools.

Dick?

Judy said you wanted to see me.

Oh, hey, sport. Have a seat.

Be right with you.

- [Chuckling]

- Is that Chuck Rhodes?

This guy kills me.

- I found Crystal too.

- Hiya, kid. Judy, close the door.

- Okay.

- Thanks.

- What's going on?

- [Laughing]

[TV. Off]

- So, Russ, how's the finances?

- What?

- What?

- The finances.

- W-- Great.

- Good.

- You seemed in a bind last time.

- Well, that was then.

Terrific. And how are you, honey?

We haven't talked in a while.

- Did you know May left me?

- Jeez, I'm so sorry about that.

- Life's tough.

- And how.

- But you seem to be doing well.

- I'm great.

- But you seem to be doing well.

- I'm great.

Why wouldn't you be great,

with a friend like Russ here?

- Yeah. Look at that, huh?

- Oh, jeez.

Oh, boy.

How about that?

Don't say a word, not one.

Cause if i hear one comment like,

"What are you talking about?"...

- I'm gonna call the cops.

- What?

Wh-What do you mean? It slipped out.

We're listening. Go ahead.

I chewed on it for three days,

and I'm convinced I have evidence

to f*** you both up big time.

Bull. You don't have any evidence.

What is that?

- Stop it. Shut up. You shut up.

- You shut up.

Shut up! No. That's bullshit.

Dick, you have the floor.

You have the floor.

- Go ahead.

- Short and sweet.

I want half the money,

or i'll have you arrested, and

might even do it on the air, live.

- Imagine the ratings.

- I'd like to see you try, a**hole.

- You're gonna see me.

- I'll kill you, I swear to God!

- I'm gonna kill you!

- You treacherous little b*tch!

You got one week

to get your sh*t together.

- You listening? I want the money.

- [Door Slams]

Okay. Okay.

Okay, let's do a little math.

You want 20 percent,

Dale wants half a million,

and Dick wants half of everything.

I don't have a calculator,

but it seems I'm in debt again!

Dale's money comes out

of your share. He's your friend.

- Not my friend. He's his friend.

- I hardly know the man.

Who cares?

It's all f***ing moot now.

The only thing that's moot to me

is the Dick Simmons issue.

You get a toothache,

you pull the tooth.

What does that mean?

- Let's kill the son of a b*tch.

- Oh, God!

- [Crystal] Yes!

- No!

One call to Dale,

we're back on track.

Absolutely! Let's do it.

What is wrong with you?

He threatened us.

Just remember that.

- It is extortion.

- Does that mean he's gotta be dead?

- We're not giving him our money.

- What money?

That worthless scrap of sh*t?

Yeah, okay.

Maybe it's time for your friend,

the drug-addicted carpet installer.

- Oh, Scatter.

- Scatter! Yeah! He could help.

This is killing me. I have slept

five hours this whole week.

- Oh, God, here we go.

- I have dandruff with big flakes.

I've gained two pounds!

Listen to my voice.

I'm losing my instrument.

Shouting isn't helping.

- [Woman] Hey, Gig?

- Yeah?

There's a couple of cops

in the club asking for you.

- I'll be right in.

- Oh, great!

Cops in the club. I've always

wanted to give an inmate fame.

They kill the celebrities first,

and then they f*** 'em in the butt.

Will you just relax, please?

There are cops always in this club.

They're probably just arranging

an engagement party or something.

-Just hold on a tick.

- Yeah.

[Stereo]

Toe to toe

Dancing very close

-Body breathing

- [Gig] Goodevening, Officers.

- What can I do for you?

- Are you the owner?

Yes, I am. Gig.

Gig, do you know a guy

by the name of Jerry Green?

He apparently is known

to come in here.

Yeah, Jerry the bookie.

Comes in here all the time.

Has he been in here lately,

because, I mean,

nobody's seen this guy

around for a while.

Ah...

about a week ago, I think.

Huh.

Back to back

Sacroiliac

Spine less movement

- And a wild attack

- You wanna get back to this?

- Maybe ask another question or two?

- Yeah, yeah.

Where... do you find girls like that?

I mean, who'd do that kind of stuff?

Well, you know,

it's remarkably easy.

You'd be surprised.

These two, I believe,

we imported from upstate New York.

I was gonna say,

they seem like... Albany girls.

Uh, so, anyway,

we just wanted to drop by...

and find out

if you've seen this guy.

Well, I'll let you know.

Although, with Jerry,

he could be shacked up anywhere.

He's a bookie, for Christ's sake.

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Adam Resnick

Adam Resnick is an American comedy writer from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. He is best known for his work writing for Late Night with David Letterman. Additionally, Resnick co-created and wrote for Get A Life with Chris Elliott. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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