Lucky Stiff Page #2

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and stare.

Hey, I'm probably having

the best time of my life

and I don't even know it.

What's she doing here?

Harry, are you listening to me?

Take the heart-shaped box

and hide it in a safe place.

Six million dollars.

Six million dollars.

So, first things first,

have I got a red rose

in my buttonhole?

Check.

- Sunglasses?

- Check.

- Hat?

- Check.

Terrific. All right. Good.

Look, we're off.

And, Harry,

thank you again, man.

I'm about to have the biggest

adventure of my life.

Je peux vous aider, madame?

- Let go. Unhand the baggage.

- Pardon.

- What's in the bag?

- Never you mind.

Bang! Ha!

Oh, my God!

You put a gun in the luggage?

What are you gonna do?

Shoot him?

Of course not, silly.

She's gonna shoot him.

Now start calling.

Okay, why don't we...

Why don't we just get in a cab?

Check into some hotel...

Because I wanna check in

where Witherspoon is.

Now dial.

- This is futile.

- Futile's a four letter word.

- Hotel Louis?

- Oh, Louis.

Hello?

Hotel Ville Parnasse?

Avez vous un Harry

Witherspoon registered there?

No? No? Thank you.

Hello, Hotel Ambassador?

Hello? Hotel Monaco?

Oui, I'll hold.

Vinnie!

- Any luck?

- Not yet.

Hello, Hotel de Paris?

Um, avez vous un Harry Witherspoon

registered chez vous there?

Oui, I'll hold.

Damn!

You do? He is?

Uh, Mr. Witherspoon is an old and dear

family friend and I'd like to surprise him.

Could you possibly

book two rooms,

one for me and

one for my brother...

- Don't use my name!

- ...right down the hall from him?

Not my name!

Not my name!

Mrs. Rita LaPorto

and Dr. Vincent Di Ruzzio.

- She said "doctor"!

- Merci you very much.

Aujourd'hui!

Yes!

This might be all right, Uncle.

Can I sit on your lap?

Oh, no! No!

Mommy, his lap is hard.

You should both be ashamed!

Get back!

Get off me! Get away,

you mangy little mutt!

Sorry! Highly allergic.

Gangway!

- Let me help you with that.

- Unhand the baggage. What is it with you people?

Think I have a gun or something?

You check in, okay?

Then we'll ring his room.

If he's not in his room,

we'll fan out.

You take museums, churches

and car parks.

I'll take beaches, casinos,

cafes and beauty parlors.

Rita, promise me you're not going

to do anything crazy or emotional.

I will charm him.

To death.

All right.

You're following us.

I'm following you?

- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.

You are. Every time I look over

my shoulder, you're there.

I have as much right to be here as you do,

Mr. Witherspoon.

- There! You see, you know my name.

- No, I don't.

Yes, you do. You just

called me Mr. Witherspoon.

- No, I didn't.

- You did!

- I did?

- Yes.

Okay, yes, I did.

Now who are you

and what do you want?

Look, you've upset my uncle.

Well, that would be a pretty good

trick considering his condition.

- What?

- My card.

Miss Annabel Glick, legal associate,

Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn.

We were your

uncle's favorite charity.

Don't tell me you've come

all this way for a handout.

I've come all this way for the money,

Mr. Witherspoon.

All six million dollars of it.

But I accepted

the terms of the will,

and as you can see, I'm here carrying

out his wishes, so you people have lost.

Not yet, we haven't.

Not by a long shot.

You see, there's a loophole.

What loophole?

Where?

Well, when we received our copy of the will in tape,

our legal department noticed how detailed it was.

All those social activities, specific

times you have to be at specific places.

- I'm doing the best I can.

- Yes.

But make one little slip

and the money goes to the dogs.

So you might as well

just give up right now.

Give up? Give up?

You're joking.

I'm not the kind of person who

jokes about serious social issues.

- One look at your shoes and I can see that.

- What does that mean?

They're brown and solemn.

They say desk work and time clocks

and not much of a night life.

Your shoes are brown too.

- Precisely!

- Mr. Witherspoon,

- our dog home is in desperate need of funds.

- So am I, Miss Glick.

No, you don't understand.

We are in danger of closing.

You're trying to make me late.

Charity begins abroad.

Not mine.

Look, Mr. Witherspoon,

let me give you the big picture.

You hate dogs?

May the best man win,

Miss Glick!

Oh, she will.

Three lemons!

Why does that remind

me of you, Miss Glick?

More champagne?

8:
00 on the nose,

Miss Glick.

Just barely,

Mr. Witherspoon.

We have a reservation for three.

Table number five, please.

- This way.

- - I have 14 seconds to spare.

I'm well aware. You see, I'm a Virgo.

Details do not escape me.

It seems I can't

escape you either.

That is correct.

Doggy little lawyer

yapping at my heels.

- The dogs need that money.

- I need the money!

Do we have any lovers

in the audience tonight?

- You're so selfish.

- Ah, bonsoir, you two. Are you on your honeymoon?

- No!

- Ah, you see?

Lovers!

Oh, we're not together.

I'll just sit over there.

Harry!

Come sit with us!

I'm sorry, but Uncle was very

specific about table number five.

Old times' sake and all that.

Then Luigi will join you.

Sorry, but I'm supposed to

leave one seat free.

It's some sort of surprise.

Ah.

As long as you have

a good time, huh?

And now the moment when France

unveils yet another of her wonders.

Mesdames et messieurs,

I give you the delicious bon bon

of the French Riviera,

Dominique du Monaco!

Comment a va?

Oh, what? Don't tell me.

You don't speak French?

Bonjour, Harry Witherspoon!

You know me?

I am your surprise!

Oh, no.

I couldn't possibly!

I can't dance.

Bump?

Oh! Stop!

Un moment, s'il vous plat!

There is someone

who is not joining in.

Someone who is alone.

Why so sad?

Have too many lovers

trampled on your heart?

May I have a

blue spotlight please?

- May I get you something, mademoiselle?

- No, thank you, I'm working.

I said move it, Vinnie!

Hurry up!

Oh, hi.

Um, uh, uh... Pardonnez, uh, moi.

I've locked

myself out-ray.

- Um, oui, oui, um...

- Havez-vous un, uh...

Oh!

Ah! Merci!

Okay, buzz off.

Er, would the monsieur like

his bed turned down?

Maybe later.

Bye-bye!

Hello, maid service!

Rita...

I don't want any part of this.

This is breaking and entering.

This is impersonating a guest.

This is your life

and possible death.

Now stop whining and

look for that box, okay?

Somebody could come in.

You should have put on the bellhop

uniform while you had the chance.

Don't you think someone should

keep an eye on Mr. Witherspoon?

Look, I can see you got this

whole situation under control.

I'll meet you down

in the casino.

Huh?

Vinnie!

Vinnie? Vinnie!

Big baby!

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ah, ah, ah.

Hello!

This will just take a minute.

Oh, no.

I thought you'd given up and gone to bed.

No. I was right behind you the whole time.

You were just too busy to notice.

Now...

Champagne, check.

Red roses, check.

- Pink satin sheets.

- - Check.

Only the best for you.

Absolutely. And now if you'll excuse me,

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