Lucky Stiff Page #4

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Reports to write and there's

that protest in Prospect Park

against the new leash laws

and a resume to update and...

So if you will just

please excuse me.

Annabel...

Just because we spent the night together does

not mean that we are on a first name basis.

Oh, shut up!

She's...

She's impossible.

Why would she leave now?

Just when things were...

- Have you seen my belt?

- Annabel?

- Miss Glick?

- Yes?

Here's your belt.

Thank you.

I'll be leaving.

- Miss Glick. Annabel!

- Yes?

Well, what I'm trying

to say is...

All right, nobody move!

And nobody say one word

about these glasses.

I look awful in 'em, don't I?

Shut up! Now, where is it?

Where is what?

The money! The diamonds.

I don't know what

you're talking about.

That six million dollars

you inherited, Mr. Witherspoon.

That money is mine!

Yours?

Mine and my husband's.

I want it back.

But my uncle left me that money.

And anyway, I don't get my inheritance

until the end of the week.

- Don't give me that.

- It's in a bank somewhere.

His lawyer gave me

pocket money for the week!

Pocket money, my ass!

Where's that hear-shaped box?

It's... It's in

East Grinstead.

Don't fool with me, missy.

Now where is it?

Now be calm, all right?

If you must shoot someone,

shoot me, not Miss Glick!

She's an innocent party.

You don't have to

shoot him either.

I know where it is.

Just stay calm, okay?

Here!

- Just take it and leave him alone.

- Yeah, okay.

But what about him?

You still got my Tony.

You're welcome to take him too.

I loved this man.

I loved him with all

my heart and soul.

Why are you dragging

him around dead?

It was all his idea.

He wanted one last holiday.

He said he never really

had a chance to live.

What do you mean he never lived?

What about me?

- Something funny's going on.

- - Pardon?

What are you trying to pull?

- I'm not.

- This is not Tony Hendon.

Of course it is.

I'm wearing my glasses now.

I can see, and this isn't him!

Have you had your

prescription checked recently?

I will give you three seconds to

tell me what you've done with him.

Uh, I've taken him

shopping, para-sailing...

- One...

- He never even met his uncle.

- Two...

- It was nice knowing you.

- Three.

- It was nice meeting you.

Goodbye, Miss Glick.

- Four.

- You will please drop the gun, eh?

Ciao, Harry! I think maybe you

need a little assist, huh?

Thank God, Luigi!

No, not exactly!

My God! Tony!

Riza pizza!

Boy, you still look

lousy in glasses.

Who are you?

What's this all about?

I'm your uncle, kid.

I'm Tony Hendon.

I've been keepin'

a close eye on you.

He's a nice kid, you hear me?

He's a good kid.

Jesus! Tony!

I thought you were dead!

- You look good!

- Thanks, baby.

I've had about enough of this.

If you're my uncle, who's that?

This is Luigi Gaudi,

who was killed

in my own apartment,

in my own bed.

What was he doing there

with a woman?

Luigi was staying at my place.

He wanted a hide-away

for the night.

Money's on the bar.

Don't spend it all in one place.

Tony!

I come home,

it's 5:
00 in the morning.

Poor Luigi laying there dead.

He whispered...

I put an obituary in the Atlantic City papers so

that people would think that I was really dead.

Switched passports with Luigi and

booked a flight out of the country,

but first I made sure that

he would have his dying wish.

Dear nephew Harry,

I've done some

bad things in my life,

but my heart has

always stayed innocent.

What I ask of you is this,

put my heart in

a heart-shaped box

and bury it at sea.

Where are the diamonds?

Right where my

taxidermist friend put it.

Right here.

Where good ol' Luigi's heart used to be.

All right, nobody move.

Nobody move.

Now, now, now, listen to me.

I am a law abiding citizen

who has been forced to go

to Europe against his will.

Manipulated and arrested

and shot at.

Now, my sister thought she was

going to start a whole new life

and live happily ever after and leave me

holding the bag. You forgot one thing, Rita.

You can only push

an optometrist so far.

Now it's Vinnie's turn.

This wonderful little woman and

I are going to start a new life

where not you and not

your husband's hoodlums

and not even Mary Alice or her

mother can possibly find us.

Where are the diamonds?

S'il vous plat.

Here! And, Vinnie,

I'm sorry for everything.

I apologize. Really.

I've been just terrible.

And wish you both

a wonderful life.

- Well...

- Let's go.

Come, waive the gun.

Oh. Mmm.

Well, I'm off!

Wait a minute! What about the

Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn?

And what about your nephew? He smuggled diamonds

for you and he could have been arrested or killed.

And what about me?

All right.

To you, Miss Glick,

this generous check in the

amount of 10,000 dollars,

made out to

his favorite charity.

And to you, Harry,

this $500 chip out of my own pocket.

Not too bad, huh?

You're a good kid, Harry!

As for you, Rita...

Hold that thought.

Would you excuse us, please?

This is a personal matter.

Get in the closet.

- After you.

- Mm-hmm.

Hey! Thanks so much for understanding.

All right.

I know I killed

your best friend.

Accidentally.

But you took those diamonds

and you ran out on me.

Can't we call it even?

We're in Europe,

like we planned.

With the money!

We got the rest of our lives ahead of us!

Do you think anyone else

is coming through the door?

I hope not.

I'll just lock it, shall I?

That would be a wonderful idea.

I'm out of here.

Let's not be hasty!

Dominique!

Well...

Well...

- Here we are.

- Yes.

Here we are.

You were very brave.

- So were you.

- No. Really.

The way you...

You stood up for the dog home

and with that gun in your face.

You are a very brave person.

Miss Glick.

- Annabel.

- Annabel.

This week is

paid for in advance.

And I have plenty of pocket money, plus my

uncle's infallible system for roulette.

Yes?

What I'm trying to say is...

Why don't you stay?

Stay here?

With you?

For a whole week just enjoying myself?

No, I definitely

couldn't do that.

Here.

Come and have a look at this.

I'm not exactly what you'd call

a spontaneous person

or anything.

I have no sense of humor. And I'm not

fun to be around in the morning.

This is perfect.

All we're missing is a dog.

I am not the sort of person who

jokes about serious social issues.

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