M*A*S*H Page #11

LESLIE:

(taking patient's

pulse)

Duke...

She wants him to feel it and he does, reacting excitedly.

DUKE:

Slowing down!

Hawkeye meanwhile is checking blood pressure again.

HAWKEYE:

Going up. Nice work, Red.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. THE SWAMP – DAY

Dago Red is the cocktail guest of the three Swampmen. Ho-Jon

sits in his usual place on the floor, following everything

that's said and refilling martini glasses wherever needed.

DAGO RED:

There's sort of a built-in prayer

for the sick man to get well, but of

course that's not the basic intention.

HAWKEYE:

I don't care about the intention. I

just know your Cross Action is a

plus on our side. I've seen it come

through four times.

DUKE:

And you've had a natural four times

in a row in a crap game. Right? Does

that mean...?

HAWKEYE:

Not without lots of praying and

kissing the dice.

(to Dago Red)

It's a different ritual but it works

the same.

DUKE:

What do you think, Trapper?

TRAPPER:

Me? I was raised a mackerel-snapper...

Dago Red gives him a quick, intent look, which Hawkeye notes.

TRAPPER:

...But I turned in my knee pads.

HAWKEYE:

Ho-Jon, give the Father some more

martini.

DAGO RED:

Just a taste, Ho-Jon.

(to the group)

I'd better get to the point... what

I came here for today.

DUKE:

You came because we asked you, for a

drink.

HAWKEYE:

We wanted to tell you how you were

helping us with your fixes.

DAGO RED:

Well, sure, but I'm also worried

about Walt Waldowski – Painless. His

poker players got in an argument and

asked him for a ruling, and he said

what difference did it make, it was

just a card game.

It's obvious from the shocked reactions of the Swampmen that

the priest couldn't have reported a more ominous symptom.

HAWKEYE:

I guess I'm getting a toothache I

better have looked at.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. DENTAL CLINIC – DAY

There is no activity around the dental chair, but the nonstop

poker game is thriving as Hawkeye enters, carrying a bottle

in a paper bag. The players are evenly divided between

officers (UGLY JOHN, MURRHARDT and a visiting HELICOPTER

PILOT) and enlisted men (VOLLMER, RADAR and JUDSON).

UGLY JOHN:

Take a seat, Hawk. We can use a fresh

pigeon.

HAWKEYE:

Got to see the man about a tooth.

Where is he?

RADAR:

(to Vollmer)

Call. With a pair of kings.

(to Hawkeye, pointing

to smaller tent

attached)

Inside.

Hawkeye goes on into Painless' private quarters.

VOLLMER:

(indignantly, to Radar)

How can you call with one lousy pair?

Ought to be a house rule against

mind reading.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. PAINLESS' TENT – DAY

Painless is lying on his back on the cot, staring blankly at

the ceiling. Hawkeye has poured drinks from his bottle and

is sipping his, but Painless' remains untouched.

PAINLESS:

If a man isn't a man anymore, what's

he got left to live for?

HAWKEYE:

Tell me the whole story, Walt.

PAINLESS:

There's this native broad works in

the laundry. I don't know if you've

noticed.

HAWKEYE:

There's only one worth noticing.

PAINLESS:

You noticed. I wasn't going to fool

around over here. I've got these

three girls I'm engaged to back

home...

He indicates three photographs of young women, displayed

with equal prominence. Any one of them could make Miss

America.

PAINLESS:

But I had this feeling I ought to

make the effort. To test myself. And

I flunked.

HAWKEYE:

What did you have to test, for God's

sake... the dental Don Juan of

Detroit?

PAINLESS:

Don Juanism is just a cover... I've

been reading up on it.

(emotionally overcome,

turning away)

I'm a fake, I'm a fraud, I've been

living a lie!

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