M*A*S*H Page #12

Moved by the intensity of his self-denunciation, Hawkeye

bends down close to Painless, puts a comforting hand on his

shoulder.

HAWKEYE:

Painless, you mustn't talk that way.

It's a lot of crap. Cover for what?

PAINLESS:

Homosexuality.

Hawkeye straightens abruptly, his hand rising from Painless'

shoulder as from a hot stove.

PAINLESS:

Now I know that's been my problem

since I was a kid. But it only caught

up to me last night.

HAWKEYE:

You've been drawn to other males?

Since you were a kid?

PAINLESS:

No, never in the slightest.

HAWKEYE:

Just in dreams?

PAINLESS:

Or in dreams either. I repressed it

completely. Classic pattern of

inhibition.

HAWKEYE:

That's what you've been doing all

these years with every dame you could

lay your hands on? Repressing your

real self?

PAINLESS:

But it's all over now, and I can't

face it. Imagine if you found out

you were one, you wouldn't like

breaking the news to your wife. Well,

I got the same problem multiplied.

HAWKEYE:

You don't have any problem. You've

got thirty good years ahead of you,

easy. Maybe you'll have to cut down

as you grow older, get along with

just two fiancees, but...

PAINLESS:

No, one thing I finally know for

sure, I'll never function with a

woman again.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. THE SWAMP – NIGHT

Hawkeye is reporting to Duke and Trapper. Murrhardt and

Bandini are there, as well as Ho-Jon.

HAWKEYE:

There ought to be a law against

dentists reading. Matter of fact, I

thought there was. Anyway, this is

an obsession. He can't be persuaded

out of it.

HO-JON

(appearing in doorway)

He's comin' this-a-way! The jaw-

breaker!

DUKE:

Y'all just act natural.

HAWKEYE:

Get out the scotch, Ho-Jon.

(to the others)

Don't mention the sex thing unless

he brings it up.

A perfunctory knock on the door is immediately followed by

the entrance of Painless.

DUKE:

How you, Walt? We was just fixing to

have a nightcap.

TRAPPER:

(to Ho-Jon)

Pour one for Painless.

Ho-Jon serves drinks all around. There is a silence as each

of the hosts tries to think of a conversational opening.

PAINLESS:

I thought you guys ought to know.

I'm going to commit suicide.

This leads to another silence, broken by Trapper, who doesn't

go so far as to stand up but leans way out from his sack to

grasp the dentist by the hand.

TRAPPER:

Miss you, Walt.

DUKE:

He said it for us all, Walt.

BANDIDI:

How about leaving me your record

player?

HAWKEYE:

How do you figure to go? Forty-five

between the eyes?

DUKE:

Powerful sloppy.

MURRHARDT:

Reliable though.

PAINLESS:

That's really what I came here for.

See what you guys recommend.

HAWKEYE:

(as in a medical

consultation)

Well, I'm sure my colleagues will

agree there are a number of dependable

measures for extinguishing the vital

forces.

TRAPPER:

Black capsule.

HAWKEYE:

The black capsule. Finest kind. Thank

you, Dr. McIntyre.

PAINLESS:

What is it?

TRAPPER:

Easy, pleasant, never-miss ride.

HAWKEYE:

In the direction you want to go.

PAINLESS:

You guys got any black capsules?

DUKE:

For a buddy we got whatever it takes

to stamp out the last spark of life.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. DAGO RED'S TENT – DAY

The priest is sitting at his desk reading his breviary when

Hawkeye and Trapper enter. Trapper goes over to Red's beer

supply, opens it and distributes three cans while Hawkeye

greets their host.

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