M*A*S*H Page #13

HAWKEYE:

How they goin', Losing Preacher?

What do you hear from the Pope?

DAGO RED:

You talked to Walt?

HAWKEYE:

He's parted his moorings.

TRAPPER:

We're throwing him a Last Supper. We

came to invite you.

HAWKEYE:

The Painless Pole plans to cross the

Great Divide tonight and we need

your help to straighten him out.

DAGO RED:

What do you want me to do?

HAWKEYE:

Put in one of your fixes. Walt knows

he's loused himself with the Church,

but it's part of our plan to make

him think he has the keys to the

kingdom. Which he will think if you

grease the skids for him.

DAGO RED:

I don't think I can give absolution

to a man who's about to commit

suicide. It's a mortal sin.

HAWKEYE:

What is, Red, the intention or the

act?

DAGO RED:

(confused)

I believe it takes both. I'd have to

look it up.

HAWKEYE:

Just use common sense. Your job is

preventing sin, and the way to do

that is give him your best Cross

Action.

TRAPPER:

Or you can let him knock himself

out. You personally'd be sending him

to his grave.

HAWKEYE:

An eternal damnation.

DAGO RED:

(feeling cornered)

I don't know. I'm not sure what the

Military Vicar's office would think...

TRAPPER:

They sure as hell won't hear about

it from us.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. DENTAL CLINIC – NIGHT

The poker table, and dental chair have been removed to make

room for two long tables from the Mess Hall. At these a

sumptuous, candlelit, stag banquet is coming to an end. The

guests are doctors, administrative officers, chopper pilots

and enlisted men. Duke is on his feet, raising a glass of

champagne in a toast. (All our male cast except Henry and

Frank)

DUKE:

Y'all come here to say a final goodbye

to our old friend Walt. But maybe it

ain't so final. Maybe he's just going

on ahead into the Unknown to do a

little recon job for us all.

During this tribute the guests rise, their eyes on the guest

of honor, who sits with his food untouched, a vacant

expression on his face. When Duke has finished and everyone

has drunk the toast, they applaud and sit down again. Trapper

raps for attention and indicates Hawkeye, who rises.

HAWKEYE:

I just got this one thing to say.

Nobody ordered Walt to take on this

mission. He volunteered, for certain

death. That's what we award our

highest medal for. That's what being

a soldier is all about.

Except for Painless himself, the gathering is deeply moved

by this thought, some of them to the point of tears. Again

Trapper restores order.

TRAPPER:

Only one man here can add anything

to that.

He looks to Dago Red, who stands up, dressed for the first

time in the priestly vestments he wears for Sunday Mass. He

walks to where Painless sits and there begins the viaticum

(holy communion for those in danger of death).

DAGO RED:

Receive, my brother, this food for

your journey...

A coffin, borne into the room by two enlisted men while Red

is still speaking, is lined with blankets, equipped with a

pillow for comfortable reclining prior to the onset of death,

and furnished with mementos of Painless' earthly career: two

fresh decks of cards, a box of poker chips, a fifth of scotch,

some basic dental instruments and the photographs of his

three fiancees. It is set down on the floor next to Painless,

who regards it with the first show of interest he has

manifested during the proceedings.

DAGO RED:

(bestowing the sacred

host)

...The body of our Lord Jesus Christ,

that He may guard you from the wicked

enemy and lead you into everlasting

life. Amen.

Red is making the sign of the Cross when Painless' curiosity

asserts itself.

PAINLESS:

What the hell's that?

TRAPPER:

Coffin. Yours.

PAINLESS:

I'm not even dead yet.

HAWKEYE:

You're a pretty heavy guy to lug

around. Be a hell of a lot more

convenient for everybody if you got

into the box as soon as you've taken

the capsule.

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