M*A*S*H Page #15

LIEUTENANT DISH:

A man is going to die if he doesn't

have my fair young body?

HAWKEYE:

Precisely, Maria. Tonight you have

the same privilege that comes on

rare occasions to the chief executive

of some state or nation... the

privilege of restoring life, by one

tender act of mercy, to a doomed

fellow creature.

While he is speaking, a blue light goes on in a tent in the

background. As they turn to see what is going on, four men

carrying a heavy box approach the tent.

EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT – NIGHT (OFFICER'S CLUB)

At closer range the box is revealed to be Painless' coffin

with the departed dentist inside it. The four men who carry

it into the tent are Radar, Judson, Boone and Seidman. This

tent doesn't have a wooden door like the Swamp, just a flap.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT – NIGHT

The four enlisted men carry the coffin, empty, out of the

tent. Then Hawkeye and Dish appear, moving slowly toward the

tent as he continues to break down her resistance.

HAWKEYE:

He should come to now for a while,

but he's got so much dope in him by

tomorrow he won't know fact from

fantasy.

LIEUTENANT DISH:

You think he won't.

HAWKEYE:

What do you care? You'll be on your

way to Japan.

LIEUTENANT DISH:

I'm fond of Painless, and I'd feel

terrible if anything happened to

him...

HAWKEYE:

It's your decision, Maria. I don't

want to high-pressure you.

LIEUTENANT DISH:

I'd be crazy to think my virtue,

such as it is, was more important

than his life...

HAWKEYE:

In fact I'd rather not try to

influence you at all.

(opening tent flap)

Let's just go in and take a look,

and then you think it through for

yourself.

INT. BLUE-LIT TENT – NIGHT

The tent has been fixed up with all the resources at their

disposal – cushions, parachute cloth, mirrors and little

touches of elegance gathered from all over the post – to

resemble a luxurious bedroom on the home front. Lying in bed

(the pool table) between clean, inviting sheets is Painless.

The boys have undressed him as we can see by his bare

shoulders. Hawkeye takes Dish by the hand and leads her to

the side of the bed.

HAWKEYE:

One last look at him...

(raises sheet,

uncovering Painless

to the knees)

...still alive...

(slips raised sheet

into Dish's grasp)

...the whole man.

Dish's eyes pop at what she sees. So astounded is she that

she doesn't notice Hawkeye has given her the sheet and made

off.

LIEUTENANT DISH:

My God, Hawkeye, I never realized...

I never even dreamed...

(becoming aware he's

no longer at her

side)

Hawkeye! Hawk...

She finds he's disappeared altogether. She can't resist

turning her gaze back to the uncovered Painless. Then she

drops the sheet.

EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT – NIGHT

The tent flap drops into place, continuing the movement of

the sheet. Our attention is drawn up the front of the tent

to its peak, which points firmly upwards.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. THE SWAMP – MORNING

There is the SOUND of a HELICOPTER overhead. Hawkeye emerges

from the tent to look at it, verifying that it is coming

from the peaceful south rather than the embattled north.

Then he sees Lieutenant Dish coming out of her tent, wearing

her Army uniform and followed by one of the enlisted men

carrying her bags. Hawkeye waves goodbye but Dish doesn't

see him. Her face, seen up close, has a serene, faraway look,

neither happy nor unhappy, but enriched by experience.

Hawkeye is not distressed by her failure to acknowledge him;

he understands it's a question of preoccupation and not a

deliberate snub. He starts across the compound to the Mess

Hall, noting that the helicopter is descending to land on

the far side of the hospital.

EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH – MORNING

There is a small welcoming party on hand, headed by Henry

himself, to greet the passenger arriving in the helicopter.

When it lands the door is opened and HOT LIPS (as she will

soon be known) gets out smartly, which is the way she does

everything. Her official name is Major Margaret Houlihan and

she is tallish, willowish, blondish, fortyish, prettyish.

She and Henry exchange salutes and then shake hands. The

others in the greeting party are out of the habit of saluting,

and have to be reminded by a stern look from their Commanding

Officer.

As Henry and Hot Lips, followed by the others, head for the

hospital entrance, Lieutenant Dish appears with the enlisted

man behind her.

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