M*A*S*H Page #16

She gets into the helicopter and he lifts her bags in after

her. A moment later the chopper is airborne again.

INT. MESS HALL – DAY

One of the first people Hawkeye sees in the officer's section

is Painless, who is eating an enormous breakfast with great

gusto.

HAWKEYE:

Morning Painless. How they goin'?

PAINLESS:

Big day. Two jaws to rebuild.

INT. POSTOP WARD – DAY

Frank is listening gravely to a wounded soldier's heartbeat

through a stethoscope. Standing by awaiting orders is Private

Boone. Frank has a disturbed reaction to the lack of vital

signs from the patient.

FRANK:

(to Boone)

Get me one c.c. of adrenaline and a

cardiac needle.

BOONE:

What's a...?

FRANK:

Never mind questions. Get them!

As Boone dashes off with no comprehension of the errand he

is supposed to perform, Trapper, a couple of beds away, in

the soiled fatigues he wears on nonoperating room duty, can

see and hear what is going on. While he watches, Frank checks

the patient further and establishes that he is dead. With a

disappointed sigh, he drops the man's lifeless arm and throws

the bedcovers back over him up to his neck.

INT. OPERATING ROOM – DAY

Henry is showing Hot Lips through the hospital and introducing

her to personnel. At the moment he is presenting Knocko.

HENRY:

Captain Williams, Major.

(to Knocko)

Major Houlihan is our new Chief Nurse.

Knocko holds out her hand in friendly greeting, and is

startled to find Hot Lips expects a salute instead.

INT. POSTOP WARD – DAY

Trapper, having observed Frank's recognition of the fact his

patient is dead, is unprepared for what the Major does when

Boone comes running back with a syringe, a small vial and an

ordinary hypodermic needle.

BOONE:

(anxiously)

This what you wanted, Major?

FRANK:

(looking at vial)

No, you idiot. I said adrenaline.

And a cardiac needle.

He turns back to the patient and goes all over again through

the same checking process he followed before.

BOONE:

(desperately)

I'll ask a nurse!

FRANK:

It's too late. You killed him, Boone.

A ghastly look appears on Boone's face. He tries to say

something, can't get it out, and bursts into tears instead.

Then additionally ashamed of himself for this weakness, he

runs out. Frank, deciding not to discipline the boy for the

display of unsoldierly conduct, is proceeding about his

business when Trapper accosts him.

TRAPPER:

You got a moment, Frank?

He indicates the Utility Room, which leads off the Operating

Room and the Postop Ward. When Frank assents, Trapper opens

the door and ushers him in.

INT. UTILITY ROOM – DAY

It's a small room containing, among other items, a table

with a pot of coffee and cups which are available to medical

personnel at all hours.

TRAPPER:

You all through work for the day?

FRANK:

Yes, I am. Why do you want to know?

TRAPPER:

Make sure you got time to sleep this

off.

He puts his whole hundred and thirty pounds behind a right

uppercut that lands squarely on Frank's jaw. At the same

instant the door from the Operating Room opens, and Henry

gallantly makes way for Hot Lips to precede him.

HENRY:

This is the...

Frank drops to the floor, momentarily knocked out.

HENRY:

T-Trapper!... C-C-Captain McIntyre...

what the hell... ?

HOT LIPS:

(staring at Trapper

incredulously)

That's a captain?

Frank is coming to and could probably get back into the fight

by a count of eight if he had any desire to.

HENRY:

(to Trapper)

What's going on? Who started this?

TRAPPER:

You mean who hit who?

HENRY:

Yes, that's what I mean.

TRAPPER:

I did. First and only blow. So far.

FRANK:

(getting up)

He wouldn't have touched me if I'd

had my guard up. Let us settle this

between ourselves, Colonel. Alone.

HENRY:

What do you think I'm running, an

English boarding school? McIntyre,

you're under arrest. Confine yourself

to quarters, pending an investigation.

TRAPPER:

If you say so, Henry. But remember

my claustrophobia.

HENRY:

(to Hot Lips)

I deeply regret this unfortunate

incident. We try to remember we're a

military organization.

HOT LIPS:

I certainly would have thought so.

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