M*A*S*H Page #17

Synopsis: The 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital is stuck in the middle of the Korean war. With little help from the circumstances they find themselves in, they are forced to make their own fun. Fond of practical jokes and revenge, the doctors, nurses, administrators, and soldiers often find ways of making wartime life bearable. Nevertheless, the war goes on,
Genre: Comedy, Drama, War
  Won 8 Golden Globes. Another 54 wins & 153 nominations.
 
IMDB:
8.4
TV-PG
Year:
1972
25 min
970 Views


TIME LAPSE:

INT. THE SWAMP – NIGHT

Henry is standing indignantly over Trapper, who is sipping a

beer in his sleeping bag. Duke, Hawkeye and Ho-Jon are

witnesses to the encounter.

HENRY:

(yelling)

What's wrong with you?

TRAPPER:

I don't know. I must have lost my

punch. I didn't think the son-of-a-

b*tch would get up.

HAWKEYE:

Stop acting like a colonel, Henry.

You know Trapper wouldn't sock him

without a good reason.

HENRY:

There's no reason good enough for

one medical officer to strike another.

DUKE:

That there Frank Burns is a menace.

Whenever a patient croaks on him

it's either God's will or somebody

else's fault.

HAWKEYE:

This time he did it to a kid who's

simple enough to believe him. Why

don't you dump the mother, Henry? He

creates more work than he gets done.

HENRY:

I should fire him because he got in

the way of Trapper's fist? No. I've

put up with a lot from you guys, but

now I finally have to take

disciplinary action.

HAWKEYE:

Christ. All of a sudden it's West

Point.

DUKE:

What are you going to do with him?

HENRY:

Well...

(to Trapper)

I was going to name you Chief

Surgeon...

(to Hawkeye)

To consult on both shifts, yours and

Frank's.

DUKE:

Hey, that's great, Henry! Good

thinking!

HAWKEYE:

First decent idea you've had in a

month.

HENRY:

Now I'll have to wait at least a

week. If I announced it tomorrow,

after what our new Chief Nurse saw

this afternoon, they'd hear her

yelling from Seoul to Washington.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. MESS HALL – DAY

Hot Lip's handsome face is relaxed into her most charming

smile as she approaches Hawkeye at the table where he sits

by himself having a late breakfast after a long night's work.

Hawkeye (like Trapper and Duke) no longer makes any attempt

at a proper military appearance.

HOT LIPS:

Captain Pierce, would I be

imposing...?

HAWKEYE:

Honey, nobody as pretty as you could

ever impose... please sit down.

Coffee?

He offers her some from the pot beside him, and she holds

out a cup while he pours it.

HOT LIPS:

Captain, I've been observing the

nurses on your shift. But naturally

your own opinion is more informed

than mine.

HAWKEYE:

I'm glad you feel that way, Major,

because you see it's a team effort...

doctors, nurses, enlisted men... and

I feel responsible for my whole team,

and I want you to know I'm satisfied

with them.

HOT LIPS:

All of them?

HAWKEYE:

That's right. We work well together.

HOT LIPS:

Major Burns is far from satisfied.

HAWKEYE:

That don't surprise me. If you're a

good observer, you must have observed

by now that Frank Burns is a jerk.

HOT LIPS:

On the contrary, I've observed he's

not only a good technical surgeon,

he's a good military surgeon. And

that includes how a man dresses and

how he bears himself and his sense

of what it means to be an officer in

the United States Army.

HAWKEYE:

And his track record, that don't

count? Look, honey, when you watch

the two shifts try to notice which

one does the most work with the least

fuss.

HOT LIPS:

I've noticed that both nurses and

enlisted men address you as 'Hawkeye.'

HAWKEYE:

It's my name. Maybe that sounds silly

to you but...

HOT LIPS:

That kind of familiarity is

inconsistent with maximum efficiency

in a military organization.

HAWKEYE:

Okay, Major, honey.

(pushes back his chair)

I'm going to have a couple shots

scotch and go to bed. I'd normally

ask you to join me but obviously

you're a female version of the routine

Regular Army clown. And that turns

me off, so just leave my outfit alone

and we'll get along fine.

(stands up to go)

See you around the campus.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote

Ring Lardner Jr.

Ringgold Wilmer "Ring" Lardner Jr. (August 19, 1915 – October 31, 2000) was an American journalist and screenwriter blacklisted by the Hollywood movie studios during the Red Scare of the late 1940s and 1950s. more…

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