Mac & Devin Go to High School Page #2

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broad swords, and two oxen.

I got a couple fat b*tches

and one midget in the car.

You could f*** any one you want.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Just let me just hold

that ounce or two

to you know, just Friday.

Hey, Mac.

Dr. Andrews,

third period English.

These crazy kids

gave me a migraine.

You think you could

hook me up with a joint

to relieve the pain?

Salmon Sandbar?

You gonna be there

all day, man?

Damn.

Yeah, probably.

High school.

It's the best of times,

it's the worst of times.

It's the times

that try men's soul.

Ask not what high school-

Wow, sh*t.

Ask not what high school can do

for you, but what you can do-

It's the best of times,

it's the worst of times.

It's time for me

to write a new speech.

What the f***, man.

It's the times

that try men's soul.

It...

And that was horrible.

Yo, your speech sucks.

Hey, how's the speech

coming, Devin?

Great.

Um, I'm almost done with it,

but it'll be good.

Well, it better be.

You want to stay together

after graduation, right?

Of course I do, Ashley.

Then you need

to go to Yale.

And to go to Yale,

you need a scholarship.

And my dad made a call to

the guy that he knows, but--

Well, I'm- I'm just really

having a hard time

figuring out the best part

of my high school experience.

Well, duh, that would be me.

Yeah, well, I know that.

Just think how amazing

it'll be when we're engaged

and we have matching

diplomas on the wall.

It'll be so fabulous,

I won't be able to stand it.

But no pressure though, babe.

Just don't f*** up,

or I'll dump you.

Just kidding!

Sort of.

Kidding.

Call me later?

Ehhh.

Do you know what that is?

It's the controlling

b*tch alert.

Attention, gentlemen,

please ask the ladies

to give us a brief moment.

We will only be a second,

b*tches.

Thank you.

Come on, now.

Come on, playa.

That- that go

for your girl, too.

I- Look at your girl

sittin' right there.

Come on, man.

F***, niggas, f***.

Okay, they gone?

Cool.

Now look, this is some

serious sh*t, man.

Devin is in some deep doo-doo.

There's a huge population

of controlling b*tches

on this earth

and they keep expanding.

And you know what?

It's our motherfuckin' fault!

If you a nigga like that,

and you got a b*tch like that,

get the f*** out now!

Either get 'em in line,

or kick 'em to

the motherfuckin' curb.

Amen, hallelujah.

Oh, yeah.

All right, yeah.

Ladies, y'all can

come on back now.

[ bell rings ]

Know what this is

I'm filling out?

An order for some

medium-sized condoms?

No.

These are your expulsion papers.

Expulsion for what?

Oh, well let's see.

Breaking and entering,

possession of a narcotic.

Narcotic?

Fool, last I checked, this sh*t

was legal in California.

You're done, Mister.

Your fifteen-year tenure

at this school is over.

Assistant Principal

Skinnfloot?

Yes?

Do we have a problem

with this student?

Not anymore.

Because you do know

that all expulsions

are handled by me,

personally.

Yes, but this student always

seems to get off with you.

Does he?

Uh, do you mind giving us

a few minutes?

But this is my office.

Yeah, do you want it

to remain your office?

Yes, Principal Cummings.

Oh, Mr. Johnson.

What have you done this time?

You are such the naughty,

naughty little student.

What am I gonna do with you?

You always make me have

to punish you so severely.

Always getting me riled up!

[ knock on door ]

We need to see who that is.

Well, you just meet me

in my office after school today

and we're gonna take

care of that little bit

of unfinished business, okay?

Hello.

I'm sorry, do you work here?

Uh, actually,

this is my place of business.

Can I help you?

I'm Miss Huck,

the new substitute teacher

for AP Chemistry.

I know a thing or two

about chemistry.

Excuse me?

What is it that you do here?

I'm Mr. Johnson,

the Athletic Director.

Okay.

Hopefully I'll see you around

the campus later on today.

It's past fourth period,

Poindexter.

I promise you

I'm going to get it.

Ow!

Right there.

Let's go.

What are you doing?

Huh?

Hit that.

Let me get that,

let me get that.

Yes, Sir.

That's some- that's some

powerful stuff right there.

Yes, Sir.

I like- I like that

right there.

Yes, Sir.

Improper use of lab glassware

is a hazard, you know?

Did you know that

motherfuckin' outfit

you got on

is a style hazard?

What are you doing here, anyway?

You're not smart enough

to be in this class.

And how you know?

'Cause you been in high school

for like a half a century.

Mr. Johnson.

Class, I'm Ms. Huck,

your new substitute teacher

for the rest

of the semester.

Wait.

What happened to Mr. Luznar?

Mr. Luznar met with a rather

tragic chemical accident.

I've spoken

with your teacher

and he wants you all

to present a research project

for your final grade.

Partners are as follows.

Harding and Pell.

Suzuki and Ofaso.

Ofaso.

Jones and Greenberg.

And Overstreet and Johnson.

What?

W- with all due respect,

this pairing could jeopardize

my entire future!

Well, Miss Huck, I've been

looking forward to meeting you.

I'm the Assistant Principal,

Ralph Skinnfloot.

Nice to meet you,

Mr. Skinnfloot.

Charmed.

If you need anything at all,

please, don't hesitate to ask.

And if you have any problems

with this one, just let me know.

Thank you.

By the way, I'd love

to welcome you with my staff.

I- I mean, to the staff.

Over dinner.

I don't think

that's appropriate.

So, a maybe?

Very encouraging.

Yo!

Mac!

Hey, Mac!

Mac!

Mac!

Overstreet!

It's down to two.

Two geniuses banging brains.

Only one can stand and come.

What are you talking about,

Mahatma?

That's Mahatma Chang Greenberg

to you.

Learn it.

'Cause come graduation day

when I, and not thee,

assume the position

of Valedictorian,

that will suck for you.

Oh, really?

'Cause last time I checked,

I'm still number one

in the class.

Yeah, well I'm taking

like seven AP classes.

You get an A-minus

and your ass is mine.

You hear me?

What do you want with my ass,

Mahatma?

My brain is gonna

do all types of things

to your ass

come graduation day.

F***in' nerd.

I need you to uh, check me into

that AP Chemistry class

with Miss Huck.

You know I got you, Mac.

I always do.

Fo sho.

Mac.

What's up?

Man, we need

to study tonight.

Study. Yeah.

Get at me at nine o'clock

on the corner of "Why Dontcha"

and "BlowMe"?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What do you say, you, me,

and little buddy

right here make three?

I'm sorry,

I don't date students.

Well, I guess I'll just

have to drop out.

I don't date liars either,

Mr. Athletic Director.

Let me apologize for that.

How can I make it up to you?

Can I take you out on a date?

You want a date with me?

You need to graduate

high school first.

And I'll be confiscating this

in the meantime.

Mm.

Good goobly goo.

Let the learning begin.

You can't smoke in here,

young man.

Hey, don't worry about it, baby,

I got a medical condition.

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