Machete Kills Page #6

but I just love killing

a good romance.

Make it count.

I knew I smelled b*tch

in the air tonight.

Payback's the only b*tch

you need to worry about.

This dress costs more

than your f***ing life!

Didn't anybody ever tell you not

to wear a dress to a gunfight?

Oh, baby, I always

dress to the nines.

I dress to kill.

Wait, no, wait!

No, wait!

Where's Tito?

He's down.

Go, I got this.

How many do we got?

F***!

He's on the roof!

Yeah, no sh*t he's on the roof!

Will one of you please get

him off the roof... Sh*t!

For crying out loud,

will one of you well-paid,

well-trained

gentlemen please shoot

that motherf***er?

Thank you!

This is the President.

Mr. President,

it's Miss San Antonio.

Machete never showed

up to the rendezvous.

I just hope

that he's still alive.

It doesn't matter.

It's not worth it. Let's go.

Aren't you the one that

taught me that the law and justice

aren't always the same thing?

We gotta stop 'em.

F*** it.

Who am I kidding?

I really must hand

it to you, mi amigo.

You are a difficult man

to catch up with.

You have no idea what I

went through to get here.

Hours, I spent stranded

on that desert highway

until this holy rolling

rig came along.

Lady. Please. Help me.

You and all your drug-pushing

compadres just derailed my pursuit,

so frankly, I'm leaning in

another direction entirely.

Give me mercy.

There's about three things

I'd rather give you

and they're all in the

chamber of this gun.

Straight up?

Or with some flair?

Straight up?

Or flair?

Whatever is the more

interesting way to die.

Weirdo.

You know, I rather

enjoy my new disguise.

I must apologize for making

you dig your own grave.

It's appalling, not offering you

a more professional courtesy,

but I'm not one for hard labor.

You on the other hand, being Mexican

and all, you must be used to it.

And...

Holy f***ing

underground tunnel!

People!

Did you see the Mexican guy?

Drop it!

Reach for the sky before I put

that illegal face in a tussle.

You have it all wrong.

This is all a big mistake.

Only mistake you made was dancin'

across that border, muchacho.

No, no, you don't understand.

I am no Mexican.

Don't move your hands, amigo!

Sir, really, listen

to my voice.

Do I sound Mexican?

I am from Ontario,

for f***'s sake!

Canadian and Mexican.

Double-whammy.

Smoke this fool!

Get him some water!

No time for water.

Doc Felix needs to see him right away.

Machete!

You're back.

Sorry if I smell.

Did you know the average person

passes gas 14 times a day?

It's true.

Our target, Luthor Voz.

The same proper f*** who's

been jacking our members.

As we speak, he's got a missile

pointed right up our ass.

And since it looks like no one else

is gonna stop him, it's on us.

Machete's mission with Voz

has nothing to do with us.

We are the Network.

Our mission is Mexico.

Our mission has changed.

He's right.

I'll go it alone.

You're not going anywhere

without me, cabrn.

No time to argue.

F*** that.

Let me explain

something, mi gente.

This isn't about

Mexico no more.

It's about the world.

No world, no Mexico.

Count me in.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Ditto.

Viva Machete!

Looks like

it's settled, Machete.

When do we hit 'em?

Tonight.

Network-1 in position.

Network-2 in position.

Copy that.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Ladies and

gentlemen, your host, Voz!

My fellow travelers,

my friends,

I proudly present the Millennium-1

ready to launch right on schedule.

Now before long,

we'll be transported to the heavens on

a maiden voyage of Titanic proportion.

And once the world is purged,

we'll return to bring about

a new world together!

In a moment, the boarding

process will begin.

But first, my friends,

prepare for infinity!

Reveal your new selves to me!

Why don't you

tell them the truth?

Tell them you orchestrated all this.

The missiles, the heart.

Would someone please help the help?

He seems to be lost.

Tell them if the world ends,

you're the one who ended it.

How can this be? This isn't

supposed to be happening.

No, this isn't supposed to be...

I never saw this.

Machete happens.

Look, this is no time

for second thoughts.

The end is near, I assure you.

For you.

Let's do this.

Well, ladies and gents, I had hoped

to have an uninhibited evening,

but now it seems...

Guards!

What about Voz?

We find the heart first.

After you, chief.

Motherfuckers!

What the beating f*** is that?

Yeah, I'm more of a cherry bomb,

matchstick kind of guy, you know.

Semtex, TNT.

50-50 shot on a good day.

But this... I mean, high

octane organs ain't my bag.

Then what good are you?

Never mind.

We're live.

It's a shame I have to kill you now,

Mr. Machete, but if you gotta go,

go inside-out.

No!

We're even.

Well, what can I say?

I suppose we both like getting

our hands a little dirty.

You can't beat me, you know.

I know your every move

even before you do.

Nobody knows Machete.

That's true.

Ever since I met you, the future has been

more unclear, and that, that puzzles me.

But then I figured it out.

There's just not a whole lot

going on up there, is there?

I admit, I may not be able to

predict you as accurately now,

but I assure you, I'm every bit

as merciless as what you are.

Demonstration?

Keep fighting, God damn it!

Preach it, sister.

How poetic.

Now you really are

the blind leading the blind.

Round them up, let's go!

Get them on the shuttle now.

And someone find Voz.

All right, folks,

let's keep it moving.

Form a single-file line,

one after another. Thank you.

Missile launch in minus two minutes.

One after another.

What the hell?

Keep your hands in the straps

and hold on tight.

Really?

You're gonna make

me kill a blind chick?

I'm pretty sure they're gonna

take my crown for that.

That's all right. They'll just give it to

the next bimbo who spreads like butter.

All right, darling.

You wanna tango?

Let's tango.

Mano-a-mano, motherf***er.

Missile

launch in T minus one minute.

Watch it now, pussycat.

That's not a very lady-like

kind of thing to say.

I don't do lady-like.

So what then, you're just a

regular old cranky b*tch?

Or is it PMS?

If it were PMS,

you'd be dead already.

It was fun while it lasted.

So now what happens?

Ask the last guy

who shot my eye out.

It appears we have a stray.

And where, oh, where might our mutual

acquaintance be at this moment?

Pissing on your sunny day.

You f***ed with

the wrong Mexican.

Indeed I have.

However, in 20 seconds,

none of that will matter,

but you, well, you're looking at

a pickle any way you slice it.

I can't see, but I could

still kick your ass.

That's why I'm taking

you with me.

Ah!

Load her onto the shuttle.

Bring them.

They can join the other

laborers we abducted.

There'll be plenty of work

to be done up there.

This is your captain speaking.

I apologize in advance for the discomfort

you may experience during our travels,

but we are unforeseeably

overbooked.

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