Malice in Wonderland Page #4

and helpless. I had to find you.

- Really?

- I got no time to tell lies.

It's not in my nature.

You're VIP.

You're a Very Important Passenger.

I'm important?

I've been speeding my tits off to find you,

my beautiful Alice.

If you're happy and you know it

clap your hands!

Alice.

Alice?

- My name is Alice.

- Yeah, well, don't go shouting about it.

- Do you think they're following us?

- Not yet.

Lock the door.

- What happens if they do find us?

- Let me get my head straight.

- I feel bad about the ladies in the truck.

- What's a few tarts between friends?

When word gets out about you, the whole

world and his wife will be outside.

- Can we just call the police?

- Great idea, yeah. 15-20 for kidnapping.

We can tell them a story.

We can say that you rescued me.

- My Whitey-knight.

- A witness fingered me.

Now I want you to give me one minute.

Just one minute.

That's 60 seconds, yeah?

Alice.

Alice.

Alice.

I don't know why I thought

I had a more unusual name.

- Like Tabitha, or Electra...

- I said 60, not 6.

- You're a slave to time.

- I'm a slave to nothing.

You wear 2 watches.

They're your shackles.

Speak for yourself.

He's willing to pay 10 million for me.

- He does love me.

- It's not about love. This is business.

- You don't know my father.

- And you do?

I gotta get us out. They'll be cruising

every road waiting for us.

You do stand out in your London cab.

You're not as mental as you act.

Couple of easy steals down there,

I'm gonna go check 'em out.

If these are shackles,

we're shackled together, you and me.

Me and you.

I'll be 5 minutes, 10 minutes tops,

you can time me.

Then I'm taking you back.

- Because of the reward money?

- Because that's what I promised.

I'm locking you in.

Bingo!

How grateful we are to the British Police

for their unstinting efforts

in trying to trace our daughter

and bring her kidnappers to justice.

I'm afraid I cannot comment...

for obvious reasons.

What do I remember?

Dodgson Industries is putting up

a 10-million-dollar reward

for a any information leading

to the safe return of our daughter.

10-million-dollar reward.

Please, you must understand

that this is a very distressing time

for Mrs. Dodgson and me.

And a difficult time

for Dodgson industries.

Remember... Remember...

Your father flies to London.

I've hired a private investigator.

- That's good.

- You don't know who you are.

Dad, something came up...

Dad...

Remember when you and mom

lived here in London?

Do you remember when I was born?

I really do need to study these...

Dad, something came up.

I think she may have found out.

I do have to study these.

I knew a woman

who lived on Hulme Street.

You don't know you who are,

so you don't know who you're not.

If you're missing a girl call this number.

Yes...

I'll have her with you

in 10 minutes, Harry.

No...

No, my pleasure.

Anything for you, Harry. You know that.

Yeah. I would... He's gone.

Once me and Harry split that 10 mil...

Or more.

I mean, what limit to a father's love

for his coochie-coochie girl?

Nice of you to join us.

- Where's Whitey?

- Whitey?

He's out.

With the fairies.

Where are you taking me?

- The police are looking for me.

- Yeah.

And if you step out of line,

they might find a piece.

What should it be, do you think, Alice?

An ear? A little pinkie?

You don't play piano, do ya?

Gonzo.

You won't see any money.

- Just wait until Whitey catches up.

- Whitey...?

Please...

He wouldn't risk

a hair on his arse for ya.

The money, maybe.

But not you.

More on tonight's story. Police have

issued this picture of the kidnapper.

See, at the end of the day, Alice,

us chaps, we're all the same.

Only in it for what we can get out.

He's different.

You have been starved of affection,

haven't you?

Daddy not shown you enough love?

Don't worry... We'll make him pay.

Get the cake. Get it on the roof rack now.

And where's my girl?

Come on, mate, let us in.

You've got to let us in.

- I'm on the guest list.

- No jeans.

- No acne.

- No trainers.

- I'm his cousin...

- No goatee.

- No pierced noses.

- Eyebrows.

- Bellybuttons.

- Bell ends.

- We're connecting through RSPCA.

- No twats in combats.

- I need the loo.

- Has my friend gone inside?

Nobody with a name that can be

shortened to an-az contraction.

- Like Gaz.

- Or Daz.

All right, lads. I'm a film director.

I can really see you in my next movie.

- No?

- No poofs.

- Shirt-lifters.

- Rump-rangers.

- Chutney-ferrets.

- Arse-bandits.

- Sausage-jockeys.

- Fudge-packers.

- Uphill gardeners.

- Bowlers from the pavilion end.

- No entry. No way.

- Let us in.

- No chance.

- Gentlemen.

Come on.

After you!

Get lost! No way!

F*** off!

Rex, we've done what you said.

None of them what's liking

their feet is getting in.

Slight misinterpretation of policy.

Nobody's fault, but you can let

the alternative crowd in now.

The seaman-sappers?

Harry's orders.

- That's a queer decision if you ask me.

- Right!

All you fairies...

Hello, Harry.

Looks like "Sale of the Century" in here.

Nice presents.

- No peeking.

- Wouldn't dream.

Thank you.

I've got some lovely new gifts.

Smart motor, from Jimmy 3 Chins.

Very nice new gaff from Muhammad Eight

and his Seven Brothers.

And a rather precautious

little filly from One Ball Barry.

This...

This little beauty...

takes the biscuit.

This is the one. The one who's missing.

Alice.

You must let me know

who does your nails.

For God's sake.

Come sit with me.

I wouldn't pay 10 dollars for it!

Shame those boys at the door

had to share the one brain.

It's filling up nicely.

Very colourful crowd.

Thank you.

- Rex, Alice.

- What, no nickname?

Formally, Rex the Executioner.

It's Murder now he's retired.

Rex killed them with kindness.

Always the gent.

Any other line of work,

he'd have been knighted.

So?

Shall we go over my deal?

I think you'll find

it's my deal, gentlemen.

Play your cards right,

you'll soon be with daddy.

No jokers, no wilds.

This is a 3-card trick.

I call the old man and up the ante.

Money goes in my offshore account

and I pay out all the players.

- Like we said, yeah?

- That's right.

And 3...

Alice goes home.

- Questions?

- And if he can't come up with the money?

Rex comes out of retirement.

And what if I don't want to go home.

Then this will be your leaving party!

Leaving this mortal coil.

Well, if it is to be my last night,

I would want it to be

better than any other.

- I don't get out very often.

- Me neither.

Once every 10 years.

Then, if it's all the same to you,

I'll get a drink downstairs.

On the house, my dear.

Harry... Harry, this...

- This deal...

- The 70130, yes.

Well, we'll hammer out the details

of the 80120 later, shall we?

But...

What do I like...

Hi, could I get a white wine, please?

A Chablis?

It's not your birthday, is it?

- Mine is July 19th.

- And me!

Where's Gonzo?

A big cake for the big man.

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