Mallrats Page #9

- Well, did he come or what?

- Jesus Christ, man!

There's just some things

you don't talk about in public!

Second suitor. If you were a comic-book

character, what character would you be?

Wow. That's a great question.

Tough one, though.

What does one gauge his response on?

Physical prowess? Keen detection skills?

The ability to banter well with villains?

- How's your comic collection, Brodie?

- It's going good, but...

I don't collect comics. Comics are for kids.

I knew it. Suitor No.1, you

just don't know when to quit, do you?

No. No, but you sure do.

I thought you were in love.

I was in love.

But I thought that I had a partner...

..who wouldn't fall to pieces

when things didn't go his way.

- How so?

- My father needed a contestant.

- What was I supposed to do?

- Maybe show a little backbone.

Show a little backbone? What did you do?

When I walked away, did you make

any effort to repair that breach?

You just ran off and cried on the shoulder

of Bumble the Boy Wonder over there.

Boy Wonder? I'm all man, lady.

So you're here now,

and you're ruining my father's new show.

You're airing all our

personal business on stage.

You've gone this far.

Why not tell them the whole story?

We were hours away from spending a

week together, away from family, school...

..and she backs out

because her daddy says so.

The girl who was meant to be

sitting in this chair died in a pool.

- When I tried to explain this to him,...

..he was such an a**hole about it...

..that even though it killed me

to do it, I broke up with him.

You know, I've been crying all day,

but what did he do?

Well, he just goes on with his life.

Here he is. He's hanging out at a mall.

You put yourself on an auction block,

in front of a live studio audience.

Do I get a chance to field any questions?

No!

I think I should say something here.

I know both of you pretty well.

Suitor No.1 has pined over you all day,

trying to figure out how to win you back.

When this public opportunity to do that

arose, he pulled his sh*t together,...

..risked life and limb, and faced the odds

to come and give it his best shot.

I'm tired of this whole thing.

You're both retarded for each other.

Forget about the sh*t that happened

and do what you're supposed to.

I think the audience

would agree with me there.

Well, ask her, you silly bastard.

Miss Suitor-ette,...

..suitor No.1 loves you, has always

loved you and will always love you.

He's only got one question

that he'd like to ask.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Snootchy bootchies,

Brodie-nootchies!

- Are we set or what?

- Good to go!

I think it's safe to say

we've made our match.

These two lucky people will be winging

their way to beautiful, sunny Florida...

..for a week of theme parks, beaches,...

..and a lot more, from the look of it.

Well, I guess that about wraps it up for...

Not just yet, Pat Sajak.

All right?

You, all right.

I believe you have

something that belongs to me.

- Yeah? What's that?

- Not you, a**hole!

The girl.

You have my heart.

What can I say? I love the retard.

I thought tonight we were supposed...

Hey, Hamilton!

Let's try to wrap this up.

I promised her breakfast.

All right, that's it.

You're dead, mallrat.

I am gonna f*** you up beyond repair.

Sailboat. Sailboat. Goddamn sailboat.

Ladies and gentlemen, this

tall drink of water headed my way...

..is a pillar of the shopping community,...

..who informed me earlier

of his nefarious plan...

..to screw my girlfriend

in a very uncomfortable place.

What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

And as he comes up here...

Holy sh*t.

Without further ado, I present

you with an accurate portrayal...

..of the proprietor of Fashionable Male.

Now, Silent Bob!

I said ''Now, Silent Bob!''

When, Lord? When the hell

do I get to see the goddamn sailboat?

Now! Now, now, now!

Who's your favourite New Kid?

Huh? Call me Joey.

Ohh, yes. Don't make me

get loose. That's it.

Ohh, yeah. Call me Donny. Come on.

- Yeah. Please don't go, girl.

- This is one wacky game show.

Hey, that girl's only 15.

Come on, guys.

Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

Hey. Where you're going, they screw

people in a very uncomfortable place.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Hey! You can't strike

a prisoner in custody.

All right, but make it fast.

Would you have gone on vacation

with the winner?

Well, what do you think?

I don't know. I think you would have.

But I would have sent you a postcard.

What the hell is wrong with me?

If the tape was out of reach,

how the hell did you get it?

The Jedi mind-trick!

Holy sh*t, motherfuckin' Yoda and sh*t!

''Adventure? Excitement?''

''A Jedi craves not these things.''

Did you see that sh*t?

Do you call that romance?

I call that illegal.

So...

So what?

I was wonderin', if maybe

you're not busy tomorrow night...

Yeah?

Would you like to come over

for dinner and meet my mother?

I can't guarantee you

she's gonna like you, but...

It was a warm-up. Please, come on! The

show would go smoother and be less racy.

Svenning, the show was a piece of sh*t.

Unoriginal, uninspired.

The only thing that saved it

was this guy here.

Hi, I'm Bentley Garrison, with the network.

We thought you were hysterical.

Hilarious. You got great presence.

- Ever considered hosting a talk show?

- Yeah.

Him?!

Yeah?

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