Mallrats Page #8

- All it took was a fat, chronic blunt.

- These guys were lightweights.

- How much do I owe you?

My treat. As long as you promise,...

..next time you pop your old lady,

you make her call you ''Jay''.

- Let's hope there is a next time.

- All right, I'm ready.

You're never gonna believe who I just met.

- What the hell happened to these two?

- Power of the dark side.

Wait a minute. There's only two.

What happened to the third guy?

- I never saw a third guy.

- Hey, who's this a**hole?

What the hell happened to those guys?

- They got lightheaded.

- You got that right.

- They gonna cancel the show?

- What d'you care?

I'm supposed to be on it.

I'm Gill Hicks. Suitor No.3.

We're taking their place.

I'm TS, this is Brodie.

- Didn't Svenning have you arrested?

- Look, dude. Don't give him any sh*t.

Something's going on.

Where's Mr Svenning?

Mr Svenning has come down

with a sudden case of diphtheria.

- What happened to those two?

- Got a case of the mad munchies.

- Is this the guy Svenning had arrested?

- Yes, it is.

All right, Quint. I dunno how you got

back in, but I'm alerting Mr Svenning.

We'll postpone the start

until we figure it out.

You called down the thunder.

Now you got it.

- Security!

- Roddy.

What?

- Jesus Christ, you knocked him out.

- Now hit him.

You call Security?

What happened to them?

They got stoned and knocked

this guy out. He needs help.

- That's not what... ow!

- Could you remove him? The show's on.

Whatever.

Look, dude. No more sh*t. Just go out

there and woo like you're supposed to.

When Tricia shows up here with

the videotape, get it to Silent Bob.

I'm on it. Wait a sec.

Where is that tubby b*tch?

Good evening and welcome

to Truth or Date.

the fires of romance.

Hi. I'm Bob Summers, your host.

Tonight we'll watch as

one of our three lucky suitors...

..woos our beautiful,

eligible suitor-ette.

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready

for romance in the making,...

..as we introduce the suitors!

College, where he majors in economics.

Say hi to Doug Paging.

Do it, Doug!

from Canisius College in Buffalo,...

..where he majors in communications.

Say hi to Rob Feature.

..where he majors in

the fine arts and Greek mythology.

A nice welcome for Gill Hicks.

Pay attention, dick.

May the best man win.

Now I would like to introduce our lovely

suitor-ette from Monmouth State,...

..where she majors

in astronomy and earth sciences.

A big welcome

for the lovely Brandi Svenning!

All right, everybody knows

how the game is played.

some questions of our suitors...

..and make her decision based

on their answers. Anything goes!

- Brandi, are you ready?

- Absolutely, Bob.

Then you may fire when ready.

Suitor No.1.

If you were a car,

what kind of car would you be?

Um... the kind you'd never

dump your boyfriend in.

Can't you call me the second suitor?

Suitor No.2 sounds like a bathroom code.

- If we were making whoopee...

- What's ''whoopee''?

Um...

Uh, well, if we were, uh...

If we were being intimate.

- What, like f***ing?

Yeah.

If we were, uh, you know,

what kind of noises would you make?

No, I think that's personal.

I don't think I should answer that.

Suitor No.3.

What would our first date be like?

Well, first I'd take you shopping

to the stores you'd wanna shop in,...

..then we'd do lunch, probably at the

Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing.

Then at night, we'd take in an opera.

Probably Die Fledermaus.

Then I'd follow it all up

with a drive to a secluded beach,...

..where I'd pop on the radio, and then

we could slow-dance till the sun came up.

That was the biggest

load of crap I've ever heard.

I mean, look at you! You're the kind

of guy that would beg for sex.

I should know, we can smell our own.

Suitor No.1.

If we fell in love,

how would you propose to me?

When Jaws popped out of the water.

Excuse me?

I propose to you now. I propose you

stop letting your father run your life...

..and you don't give up on somebody

you know has value.

And take off your socks when

you make whoopee, or whatever it is.

He hates it when you leave 'em on.

- What?

- Hypothetically speaking.

Suitor No.1. You sound familiar.

- Like your conscience, maybe?

- Look, lady, you don't know him.

Now make with the questions.

Suitor No.3.

Is your kiss like a soft breeze,...

..a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

- Why's the funny guy moving his hands?

- I don't wanna know.

What the f*** is going on up there?

Definitely a jackhammer.

I'm in there with some pressure,...

..and when I'm done, you're not

the same as before. You're changed.

Where do you come up with this sh*t?

That is the cheesiest response to

an honest question I've ever heard.

I saw you kiss

and it wasn't anything like that.

Suitor No.2, you have to wait

until you're addressed before you respond.

Richard Dawson, just go back to your

podium until it's time to play the Feud.

- Who the hell'd you see me kiss?

- Some dude backstage.

- He seemed unimpressed.

- I didn't kiss any guy. I'm not gay!

Suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe.

You heard how repulsed he sounded.

Is this the kinda guy

you wanna spend a vacation with?

- I don't hate gay people.

- So you love them?

- Yes. I mean no.

- Textbook closet case. Self-loather.

Can't be comfortable with his sexuality.

- Brodie told me to give this to you.

- Are you watching this? It's f***ed up.

I don't wanna be here when that tape

does what I think it's going to do.

Suitor-ette, how about

you answer a question for me?

- Um, I don't think that...

- How strong are your convictions?

- What are you talking about?

- Say you wind up with one of us.

- Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.

- 0h, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.

Why not? Because he's fat? You got

something against fat people, too?

Snootchy bootchies!

Are you ready?

Uh...

If I have a conviction, I stick to it.

- Were you ever in love?

- Yes, as a matter of fact.

What happened to your boyfriend?

Well, he, uh... We broke up.

- Why?

- It just didn't work out.

- I mean, were you unhappy?

- Sometimes.

- Why?

- TS?

Hey, what about the rest of us?

Why don't you ask me a question?

- Suitor No.2.

- Hey, what about me?

- 0h, Gill, just shut the f*** up.

Second suitor.

Would you ever make whoopee in public?

Already did once today.

My cousin Walter jerked off

in public once. True story.

He was on a plane to New Mexico

when, suddenly, the hydraulics went.

The plane started spinning

around, out of control.

He decides it's all over, and whips it

out and starts beating it right there.

All the other passengers take a cue from

him, and whip it out and beat like mad.

So all the passengers are beating off,

plummeting to their certain doom,...

..when all of a sudden, the hydraulics

kick back in and the plane rights itself.

It lands safely, and everyone puts their

pieces, or whatever, away and deboard.

Nobody mentions the phenomenon

to anyone else.

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