Man of the Year Page #11

- All right.

- You can go on and be President.

Forensic scientists say they have recreated

George Washington as he looked at age 19,

while Tom Dobbs has recreated how

Thomas Jefferson would've looked if he were crazy.

...and when the source is finally identified,

Tom Dobbs will sleep with it.

A report suggests that more species of birds

mate for life than previously believed,

while other species only mate for votes.

This week Tom Dobbs' presidential transition team

briefed him on day-to-day activities in the Oval Office.

However, Dobbs became upset when he learned

that Monday would no longer be re-runs.

- I heard that!

- Uh-oh, who said that?

Do we have a special guest?

Hello. Welcome.

You know my wife.

President-elect Tom Dobbs.

Just in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by.

I always wanted to say that - sounds like Bob Hope.

"Thought I'd drop by. "

Thank you for coming.

Make yourself comfortable.

Lovely. Thank you.

So, we all saw you in Congress in that outfit

the other day - that was quite flattering.

Those wigs, it's kind of nice.

I love the buckled shoe, though -

it's part pimp, part pilgrim.

You can either get off the "Mayflower"

or have four girls in a Cadillac.

- They love him.

- Yeah, it's working like a charm.

I'm thinking - and this is just out loud -

that I should go with the Manolo Blanco,

just to give you that little...

- To lift your ass.

- Lift the ass!

Next time I want to go stilettos, something crazy.

Now, the FBI cleared up any suspicion

that you knew Eleanor Green before the election.

- Not at all, no.

- Good.

I guess that absolves you

of any conspiratorial thing that you fixed the election.

So what do you make

of this woman's obsession with you?

Well, Tina, I have just one question:

is this a face that a woman would be obsessed with?

- Well...

- By your pause, I understand.

Because I think a woman can be obsessed

with a movie star like Brad Pitt - hello! -

and I could be obsessed with Angelina -

I just want to wet her lips and stick her to something.

And also you could say

obsessed with rock 'n' roll stars -

women rushing the stage, fainting,

for Elvis, for the Beatles,

for Mick Jagger, just to say, "This is your baby!"

But women don't rush the stage for comedians.

If they throw their panties on stage for me, it's 'cause

they want them fluffed, folded and back by Friday.

I threw my underpants at Britney Spears

once... 'cause I thought she needed a pair.

God bless.

I thought you were gonna say

you threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck.

- That's a good re-write!

- Good night, good luck!

That's from our new book, One Night in Paris.

But, I mean, for me here's the basic thing.

How plausible is it that a woman would fix an election

because she's obsessed with me?

I mean, where's the hanging chad?

Where's the governor being your brother?

The Supreme Court ruling against the voter?

Come on, where's the conspiracy in that?

None, really.

And here's the real question:

it's like, if that's not why, what is the real answer?

What is the real answer?

- Thank you for picking that one up.

- Where's he going with this?

The bottom line is

Eleanor Green came to me and told me

that there was a computer glitch

in the Delacroy computer voting system.

She warned the chief executive of Delacroy,

James Hemmings,

but they decided to cover it up

for economic reasons.

It's not good for the stock offering, really.

The truth is, I'm not the elected President

of the United States.

Bottom line is it was a computer error.

Not fraud, but a faulty program.

HAL decided it liked me.

Today I was in the Oval Office

on a preparatory meeting

and I sat behind the President's desk

and I had a reality check. It kind of overwhelmed me.

I sat there and went,

"Wait a minute. I'm a jester.

"A jester doesn't rule the kingdom,

he makes fun of the king. "

And for a brief moment, I thought, you know,

"I could be the President of the United States. "

I thought I was President of the United States

till Eleanor talked to me.

It's... I know. We're not on book anymore

and the cue-card guy is going...

We just usually do fake news and jokes.

We don't usually have real news and...

nonjokes.

So watch out, Oprah.

'Cause we're gonna go real, girl. But here's the deal.

A lot of you voted for me, or at least some of you.

Yeah, thank you.

And I know you voted for me

because you were fed up with the status quo.

But you were voting for change,

for the sake of change.

Listen, you could vote for someone better.

You can do a lot better than me.

You can do better than most politicians

you've elected recently,

and definitely don't put your faith in a machine

that has less controls than a Vegas slot machine.

- So you don't want to be a part of the reelection?

- Oh, no. Please. No, that's not a stage I belong on.

This is where I belong, with folks like you,

finding the funk in dysfunctional.

Mark Twain said irreverence is

the champion of liberty, if not its only defender.

That's why we're there. We're there to shake it up,

and that's what we've gotta do.

How many of you think

the educational system is working?

- Whoo-hoo!

- One girl. Thank you.

"I learnt to read. "

Do you realize that 40% of American high-school

graduates think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife?

So Tom Dobbs walked away from being

the President of the United States.

OK, so he wasn't really elected,

but if he hadn't told anyone...

Shortly thereafter,

Tom Dobbs went back to his political comedy show.

I'm gonna get on the desk like Tom Cruise.

He was bigger than ever.

Everyone's gonna be writing

about how honest you are, how straightforward.

I just hope your honesty

doesn't undercut your irreverence.

I wanna do a show about gay farmers

and call it "Cropsuckers. " Is that offensive?

Not for me.

Nothing but the best.

Yeah?

- Hey.

- Hi.

Like some company?

I left the night-light on.

Eleanor became his producer,

and close companion.

Lover. Later his wife.

The two Delacroy executives

were arrested and later convicted

because Eleanor's theories

on the computer glitch proved to be correct.

For those of you thinking of getting implants,

there's something new to try.

A lot of people, they get the large ones.

Those are lovely.

Do something new for your boyfriend.

Put in a little squeaky toy.

It's about the same.

We're pretty easily amused.

You realize that's what it is for us. We're like cats.

Also, remember the best birth control, ladies.

The best birth control and the cheapest is simply this.

As for President Kellogg,

he won against Mills in the reelection,

and in his second term

was better than any of us expected.

Not great, but better.

Maybe Tom Dobbs had something to do with it.

Who knows?

But I like to think

that one thing does lead to another.

I'll remember this, ladies and gentlemen.

It's an old phrase,

basically anonymous,

but politicians are a lot like diapers.

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