Man of the Year Page #6

The free world will now be led by a comedian.

Mr. President? Donald Tilson, Secret Service.

I'll be taking over.

You don't find this a little bit absurd?

Thanks for your honesty.

Always been a big fan of your work, sir.

Jack, you're the manager

of the President of the United States.

Comedy Store to the White House.

We must look into computer fraud.

I mean, we've had problems in other states -

Florida, Ohio, elsewhere -

where it's not only questions of malfunction

but also questions of legitimacy.

Are these computers hackable?

There isn't a paper trail. It's not the way

the Delacroy system is set up. Congress knew that.

Let's face it, the reality is a comedian

was elected President of the United States.

Case closed, end of discussion.

Any thoughts as to the makeup of your cabinet?

I looked at the IKEA catalog

and didn't see anything I liked,

but I'm hoping for a dark walnut with a nice veneer.

That'd be lovely.

What was your vice president's response?

Shocked as the rest of us. "Guess I'll have

to clear my calendar for the next four years. "

- Can we get back to questions of the cabinet?

- Certainly.

It will be diverse

and include Republicans and Democrats

and people of no party affiliation.

I want diversity.

I believe democracy is a collision of ideas. I'm not of

the school that if you're not for us you're against us.

That being said, if I had my druthers,

I'd love an all-lesbian cabinet.

It'd be fun to think about what they're doing

behind closed doors.

Thank you, everyone.

We're on our way to Washington. Wish us luck.

It'll be an adventure, and you're all part of it.

- Hello?

- Hey, Ellie. Sorry, I didn't see you there.

Well, maybe if you paid a little more attention

instead of daydreaming.

- Sorry. Just give me a cappuccino, please.

- Sure.

- Hey, Angus. Cappuccino.

- Can't you see he's busy getting mine right now?

- I was just giving him my order. It's not a big deal.

- It's not a big deal.

Well, apparently it is, 'cause this is taking forever.

- It's forever.

- Hold your horses.

- Hey, Angus, do you have any of those cookies I like?

- God, can you please just let me get my cappuccino?

OK.

Didn't realize you were such a b*tch.

Anytime during this millennium would be terrific.

Thanks.

- Cappuccino?

- Yes. Thanks.

Oh! Ow. Ow.

Oh... sh*t.

Sh*t. Sh*t.

- Let me give you a hand.

- I got it.

- Just let me take care of it for you.

- I got it. I got it!

- It's no...

- I got it!

I got it.

OK.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

- Who stole my purse?

- Ellie. Ellie, it's right here.

Did you empty out my purse?

- Did you touch my things?

- No!

You touched my things.

- I can't believe you touched my things.

- Ellie, I didn't...

You touched my things.

What is wrong with you?

He went through my things!

Dammit.

I made a mess. I've made a mess.

I've made such a mess. I've made such a mess.

- But it's my mess! It's my mess and I'll clean it up.

- OK.

I'm gonna clean up my mess.

It's my mess. It's my mess.

Ellie?

Do you want me to get some help?

- My mess.

- Can someone call 911?

We have a deadline.

In terms of appointments,

there are roughly 7-8,000 slots to be filled,

Well, in LA, maybe.

Oh, and over 400 just for core White House staff.

We have to announce 14 cabinet secretary positions,

or at least float some of your possible choices.

Well, just off the top of my head, I was thinking

Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State.

- Joke.

- Little one. Little joke.

Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, guys. I do care.

Phew, hope this works.

Oh, it'll work. I think.

Thank you. Sorry I'm late - my horse pulled up lame.

Thank you. Nice tie.

President-elect Tom Dobbs

paid an impromptu visit to Congress

and, literally, brought down the House with laughter.

As word spread quickly,

more and more members of Congress left their offices

to see Dobbs' costumed visit firsthand.

That reception was extraordinary. I will try and be

brief, 'cause I know Tuesday's bingo day in Congress.

It should be duly noted, Chairman,

that this not a scheduled visit,

it is not on the docket for today, it's not really official,

so no rules have been violated,

it's just our little secret

between you, me and the world media.

I also have some disturbing news.

I took a poll, and one third of Congressmen and

women thought this was still the present fashion.

Other third thought I looked

like former first lady Barbara Bush...

I'm looking at the toxology report.

It's overwhelming.

She's got Benzedrine, morphine,

codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin.

Historians have written that our founding fathers

were brilliant and courageous men,

but they sometimes made difficult decisions,

sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation.

What will they think about us 200-and-some years

from now? What will they write about this Congress?

Will they say that you're brave and brilliant?

Courageous?

Will your legacy be as extraordinary as theirs?

We have a lot to live up to.

I think we can do it. I know we can do it.

You can't just say it didn't happen.

When have you ever known me

to ever take any kind of drugs?

I'm even afraid of NyQuil.

I got a promotion.

They're sending me to Ireland.

- Oh, Danny.

- What?

They're just trying to pay you off.

They just don't want you talking

about the computer problems.

Gotta let people know the election's a fraud.

- Do you think anybody'll believe you?

- Sure. Why not?

Maybe because you flipped out

and you're in a hospital and you've been doing drugs?

- I don't do drugs.

- Cocaine...

I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I don't.

Who believes you? Who's gonna believe you?

...inner cities, infrastructure, environmental issues -

that's what's before us.

He will.

Turn left.

OK.

- Talk to me, baby, talk to me.

- Drive 0.4 miles, then turn left.

OK.

FBI. FBI.

FBI.

FBI.

FBI.

I am now the manager

of the president-elect of the United States.

to what Dobbs normally makes on a yearly basis.

This is a monetary sacrifice I am willing to make

since I am now the first show business manager

ever to handle a president.

Oh, I wish I could walk.

Oh, man.

Happy birthday, Mr. Menken.

Eleanor Green, FBI.

Hi. Eleanor Green, FBI.

- Everything all right?

- Oh, just fine.

Just fine.

I'm just here

just making sure everything's secured.

I probably shouldn't have introduced myself.

I'm sorry.

No, you have to.

- Anyway, happy birthday again.

- Again? Did another year just pass?

- I taught Tom everything he knows about comedy.

- Except how to be funny.

- I can see that.

- A put-down from the FBI.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it...

Please. It's all right.

He's only annoying when he's happy.

It's an old Irish tradition.

- You wanna dance?

- I don't dance.

They didn't teach you to dance at the FBI?

J. Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer.

Fat, but light on his feet.

Could we just talk and not move?

Sure.

So, what do you do

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