Man on the Moon Page #13

It's over. But Andy stays on her, shaking his ass, leering

rudely. Jerry Lawler yells from the corner.

LAWLER:

Alright, you won. GET OFF HER!

Andy remains, flapping his arms like a chicken.

THE BOOING grows. Louder. More emotional.

ANGRY VOICES:

Jerry, help her! Get in there! Do

something!

Lawler hesitates -- then suddenly climbs in the ring and

lifts Andy off! Lawler angrily PUSHES Andy down.

Andy is flabbergasted.

ANDY:

W-what are you DOING? I don't fight

men!

Lawler snickers and walks away. Completely overreacting,

Andy grabs the mike.

ANDY (cont'd)

I'm gonna SUE YOU!

(he starts RANTING

berserkly)

Let me tell you something, Lawler!

I am not a hick -- I'm a national TV

star! And I DON'T like a dumb

cracker pushing me around in the

ring! I never agreed to wrestle

you! So you know what I'm gonna

do???

(seething)

I'm gonna hire a lawyer to sue you

for every cent you've got! This was

assault and battery! In a court of

law, I'm gonna kick your Southern-

fried rump!!!

Lawler snatches the mike and bellows.

LAWLER:

YEAH?! Well I got news for you,

Andy Kaufman! Wrestling is a

serious sport to me! I don't like

anyone makin' fun of it, and I hate

anyone insultin' the South! So we

can settle this two ways: We can go

to court... or you can get in the

ring with a man, and wrestle for

REAL!

Andy watches, fuming. He is INFURIATED.

ANDY:

He -- can't get away with this.

(to Lawler)

YOU! You think I'm CHICKEN?!

Andy grabs back the mike. He sticks his face in shocked

Lawler's.

ANDY (cont'd)

(sarcastic SOUTHERN

ACCENT)

You wanna "wraaastle" me?! You

wanna "WRAAASTLE" me??? Okay,

Lawler -- let's rumble! Yeah, I've

only wrestled women, but they were

bigger than you! In fact, they're

probably smarter than you, 'cause

you're from "Maaamphis, Taaanassee!"

(back to his regular

voice, he points at

his head)

I'm from Hollywood. I have the

brains. That's how I win. And Mr.

Lawler, I'm gonna make you cry

"Mama!"

Andy bears his teeth. Enraged, Lawler tries to take a swing

at him. HANDLERS run in and separate the angry men.

EXT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, TUNNEL - LATER THAT NIGHT

We hear NOISE from the main event above. Andy and Lynne

hurry along. She is disgruntled. He swaggers arrogantly,

still in his fighting outfit.

LYNNE:

Is this an act -- or are you

addicted to causing trouble??

ANDY:

(he jokingly

impersonates a

drunk)

I can shtop whenever I want...

She's unamused.

LYNNE:

Then stop treating me like a f***ing

prop.

ANDY:

(he drops the act)

I-I'm sorry. I got caught up in the

action...!

She shoots him a stern look.

LYNNE:

I'm warning you, Kaufman: One

morning you're gonna wake up... and

your head's gonna be shaved.

Andy laughs.

CUT TO:

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY

George stares glumly at Andy. Andy is quite cheerful --

eating a big piece of chocolate cake.

GEORGE:

Andy, do you realize you don't do

comedy anymore? Where's that sweet

guy who used to do

(he SINGS Mighty

Mouse)

"Here I come to save the day!"?

(long beat)

Please, enough with the wrestling!

You've lost touch with reality!

ANDY:

(ingenuous)

What, you don't think I can beat

him?

GEORGE:

He is the Southern Heavyweight

Champion. He'll kill you.

(very disapproving)

First, you piss-off women. Then you

piss-off the South. Then you get

killed!

(dry)

And I did the bookings.

Andy shrugs, lacking a response. He eats more cake.

GEORGE (cont'd)

Andy, look... there's a job I want

you to take -- guest-hosting the TV

show "Fridays." It's not so hot...

but this is a great opportunity for

you. The show's live, they'll give

you carte blanche, and you can get

back to the business of making

people laugh.

Andy gets a strange gleam. He only heard one thing.

ANDY:

You said -- live?

INT. FRIDAYS SET, BACKSTAGE - DAY

The FRIDAYS CAST prepares. In a corner, ANDY is arguing

with director JACK BURNS.

ANDY:

I'm not comfortable with the last

sketch. I DON'T do drug humor!

JACK BURNS:

Andy, it'll be fine! It's what

we're known for!

(playing "stoned")

"Maui? "Wowie!"

ANDY:

(losing his temper)

You're not listening to me --

JACK BURNS:

Don't worry! The kids will love it

--

ANDY:

(he BLOWS up)

But I don't do drugs! And I don't

enjoy making light of them!

(YELLING)

I was promised creative control!

Andy storms off. Eavesdropping cast shake their heads.

ACTOR:

What a prick!

INT. FRIDAYS SET, CONTROL BOOTH - DAY

Up in the control booth is -- Maynard. He smiles strangely.

INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT

Stanley sits in front of his TV. The Fridays JINGLE and

CREDITS come on. We hear dishes being washed in the

kitchen.

STANLEY:

It's on! JANICE, IT'S ON!

Janice rushes in, still holding some dishes.

(THE FOLLOWING IS INTERCUT: Between the studio and the show

on tv at Andy's parents.)

INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT

The show is going, live. A SNIGGERING NARRATOR steps out

front. (During his monologue, the CAMERA PANS the

audience.)

NARRATOR:

In this next sketch, two married

couples are out to dinner. Now...

everybody has secretly brought along

a joint --

(crowd WHOOPS, he

grins)

So, when each person leaves the

table, they sneak into the restroom

to get a little high...

The crowd CHEERS rowdily.

CUT TO:

INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - SAME TIME

JANICE:

I saw Michael!

STANLEY:

Where?

JANICE:

(points to the set)

There!

CUT TO:

INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT

In the front row, Michael sits with a girl. He whispers.

MICHAEL:

Afterwards, I'll take you backstage.

You can meet my brother.

The girl smiles excitedly.

The SKETCH is on a French restaurant set. ANDY sits at a

table with actor RICHARDS and actress MELANIE. Another

actress, MARY, tiptoes back over, GIGGLING stupidly, playing

stoned.

MARY:

"Gee, restaurants are amazing,

aren't they? All these strangers

sitting around... stuffing dead

animals in their faces! It's just

incredible!"

She GIGGLES more. The other three play baffled.

MELANIE:

"If you say so."

ACTOR:

"Excuse me, I'll be right back."

Andy stands and walks out.

CUT TO:

INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - SAME TIME

JANICE:

Hmph! They sure didn't give Andy

much to do.

STANLEY:

He said he's coming back!

CUT TO:

INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT

Actors read the menus. Suddenly Andy returns, a strange

grin on his face. He's swaying on his feet.

The audience WHOOPS: "Yeah! All right!"

Andy awkwardly sits. He has a strange hesitancy.

ANDY:

"Gee, that bathroom is so colorf--"

Suddenly he STOPS. The actors glance up.

Andy purses his lips, fretting. An endless pause.

Uh-oh. Andy won't finish the line. The cast looks around

worriedly. Live TV is beaming out... Finally, Melanie

covers.

MELANIE:

You okay, honey? Something wrong,

Carl?

ANDY:

I can't, um...

Andy shakes his head.

The crowd laughs nervously.

ANDY (cont'd)

I can't play stoned.

INT. FRIDAYS SET, CONTROL BOOTH - NIGHT

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