Man on the Moon Page #14

The TECH DIRECTOR and his crew are bewildered. They flip

through script pages.

TECH DIRECTOR:

Sh*t...! What's he doing??

But Maynard raises a calm hand.

MAYNARD:

It's okay. Stay with it.

INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT

Silence. Andy is torn up inside.

RICHARDS:

(whispering to Andy)

Just read the cue cards!

ANDY:

(he shakes his head)

I can't play stoned. I feel really

stupid.

More silence. The actors are trapped and upset.

MELANIE:

You feel stupid? What about us?!

The tension is awful.

Unsure beat -- then fed-up Richards jumps up and storms off

the set. A CAMERAMAN hesitantly pans, confused what to do.

Mary is lost. She continues giggling, "stoned."

Richards returns... with the CUE CARDS. Irked, he dumps

them over Andy's head.

The crowd CHEERS stupidly.

ANDY:

You didn't have to do that!

Andy gets enraged, grabs his prop water glass and THROWS it

in Richard's face.

RICHARDS:

Hey! CUT IT OUT!

MELANIE:

You JERK!

Melanie slaps her prop butter in Andy's hair.

WIDE - Jack runs up from the floor. He gestures at the

booth.

JACK BURNS:

Go to commercial, man!

(he turns to Andy)

Get off the stage!

ANDY:

I said I didn't want to do the

sketch.

JACK BURNS:

(he JABS him)

GET OFF!

ANDY:

DON'T TOUCH ME!

Andy HITS Jack. Jack recoils and SLUGS him. They start

FIGHTING.

BURLY CREWMEN run in. The crowd WHOOOOOS.

Chaos. Andy swings wildly. The brawl goes wild. Actors

duck. Crewmen struggle to separate Andy and Jack. Everyone

gets dragged in.

IN THE AUDIENCE - Michael tries to run up and help. A

SECURITY GUY blocks him.

INT. FRIDAYS SET, CONTROL BOOTH - NIGHT

The tech crew is freaking out. Maynard is oddly calm.

TECH DIRECTOR:

Go to three! Eh, go to four!

CUT TO:

INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - SAME TIME

Stanley and Janice are flabbergasted. Jaws wide.

On their TV - fists are flying. Suddenly, the BAND kicks in

and the show abruptly cuts to COMMERCIAL.

They stare at the TV. Until --

STANLEY:

I shoulda made him play outdoors.

INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT

Andy and Jack are socking each other. A FLOOR DIRECTOR

screams at the top of his lungs.

FLOOR DIRECTOR:

We've gone to commercial! I said,

WE'VE GONE TO COMMERCIAL!!

Andy turns. He notices the red lights are off -- and...

instantly stops fighting. Just like that. Jack instantly

stops too. They glance at each other -- hold a beat -- then

break into GUFFAWS. They laugh and joyously kid each other.

In the audience, Michael is STUNNED.

MELANIE:

Oh my God --!

All the commotion stops. The audience doesn't know whether

to laugh or boo. The actors are flabbergasted -- then

furious.

MELANIE (cont'd)

He's a f***in' psycho!

MARY:

Why didn't someone tell us???

Suddenly Maynard runs out of the booth, beaming. People

watch curiously.

Andy seems discombobulated. Maynard shouts out to EVERYBODY

assembled.

MAYNARD:

Excuse me!... I have an announcement

to make! You've all just

participated in a "happening." To

make it real, some of you knew, and

some of you didn't.

The audience LAUGHS and APPLAUDS wildly. The actors stare

in disbelief. One laughs hysterically. Most are pissed.

MAYNARD (cont'd)

But we don't want to upset the folks

at home. So now Andy is now going

to apologize and explain that it was

all a prank. Right, Andy?

ANDY:

(very quiet)

Right...

MAYNARD:

Okay, great! So let's reset!

Crew members start moving things around.

In the audience, Michael locks eyes with Andy. An odd,

knowing moment between the brothers. Michael whispers,

getting worried.

MICHAEL:

Andy...!

CUT TO:

INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - SAME TIME

Stanley and Janice feel as if the commercials are lasting

forever.

JANICE:

Why is Andy doing this? Why?...

Why?

The Fridays JINGLE starts, and Andy's face fades in on the

TV. He looks directly into the camera, nervous, stiff and

serious.

ANDY (ON TV)

During the commercial, the people at

ABC asked me to apologize... and to

tell you the truth. They wanted me

to explain that this whole fighting

episode was staged...

INT. FRIDAYS SET - NIGHT

The sign above blinks "APPLAUSE". The audience obediently

APPLAUDS. In the booth, Maynard grins.

ANDY:

And... um...

(choking up)

I can't do this.

(beat)

I-I can't say it.

(upset)

It's a lie! A cover-up!

Maynard is suddenly very confused. The crowd laughs

nervously.

ANDY (cont'd)

Why are you laughing? I'm not

trying to be funny! They threatened

to fire me from Taxi, unless I gave

in to their demands!

(shaken)

But... I won't! Because what you

saw was REAL!!

INT. FRIDAYS SET, CONTROL BOOTH - NIGHT

Maynard looks like he's gonna faint.

MAYNARD:

Cue the commercial!

ANDY (ON TV)

These kinds of things go on everyday

at the networks, only you never see

it, because they cut to commercials.

(he talks extremely

fast, to get in as

much information

before he's cut off)

Now for sure they're gonna fire me,

so if you want to see me again,

you'll have to come to Memphis...

And BLINK! Andy gets CUT OFF.

Maynard jumps up, furious. He snaps.

MAYNARD:

I'm gonna STRANGLE George Shapiro!

INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - SAME TIME

The parents stare at the commercials. They're totally

disoriented.

JANICE:

What's in Memphis?

STANLEY:

Who knows?! That kid is totally

meshuga.

CUT TO:

INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, MEMPHIS - NIGHT

Memphis wrestling. The announcer stands center ring,

booming into the mike.

ANNOUNCER:

And now! The MAIN EVENT of the

evening! The match you've been

waiting for:
The King Jerry Lawler,

versus Hollywood Andy Kaufman!

The THEME FROM "ROCKY" PLAYS -- and Lawler enters from the

tunnel, wearing a shimmering hero's cape! The crowd ROARS

with approval.

INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME

Andy is meditating, eyes shut, at rest in his private oasis.

Suddenly -- DESPERATE BANGING on the door.

UPSET VOICE (O.S.)

C'MON, KAUFMAN! Christ, you're ON!

Andy awakens. He smiles.

INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM - NIGHT

The THEME FROM "MIGHTY MOUSE" begins playing. Then, ANDY

strides in, a sneer on his grungy face. The crowd SCREAMS

and BOOS pure pile. Andy is euphoric, loving the hatred.

Down in the front row sit Stanley, Janice, Zmuda, and Lynne.

Several PHOTOGRAPHERS take pictures of the parents. They

squint, unused to all this.

Andy prances into the ring. He takes the mike.

ANDY:

Before we begin this event, I just

wanna say a few things to you foul

people.

(beat)

This city is filthy! You

Southerners live like pigs! So I'm

going to teach you some lessons in

hygiene... bring you out of your

squalor.

Holy cow. The crowd is flabbergasted. Women in K-mart

dresses gape. Ruddy men in trucker caps glare.

ANDY (cont'd)

Are you listening?

(audience BOOS)

OKAY!!!

Lynne snickers. But Stanley and Janice are ashen-faced.

JANICE:

Why is he saying these things?!

STANLEY:

They're gonna lynch him!

ZMUDA:

(he shakes his head)

Nah. He's just engaging a passive

audience.

Andy reaches in his pocket and removes... a bar of SOAP.

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