Man on the Moon Page #15

ANDY:

People, this is a bar of soap. Does

it look familiar to you? If you wet

it, it'll clean your hands.

Stanley's eyes bulge.

The crowd is enraged -- rumblings of imminent violence.

Andy smiles helpfully.

ANDY (cont'd)

And now, for your next lesson: This

-- is toilet paper.

Andy holds up a ROLL OF TISSUE.

That's it. The crowd goes NUTS. Jerry Lawler races over

and snatches the mike, trying to maintain his dignity.

LAWLER:

Kaufman, we've had enough!! Let's

you and me do what we came here for

-- WRESTLING!

INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM - SECONDS LATER

And DING! That's the bell! Andy strikes a threatening

pose. Lawler takes a step forward -- and Andy instantly,

cowardly, runs for the ropes and jumps out of the ring.

BOOOOO!!! Andy grins at the crowd and points at his brain:

I'm smarter.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And Kaufman's left the ring!

Lawler's waiting for him to return.

LYNNE:

(to Zmuda)

Is this a strategy?

Lawler disparagingly frowns. The REF checks his watch.

Andy crosses to the opposite end of the ring, gauging his

rival... then slowly climbs in --

Until the second Lawler moves. Then Andy leaps back out!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And Kaufman's left the ring again!

He doesn't seem interested in

actually making contact with his

opponent.

Andy struts around the floor, pointing to his brain. He

smirks at various spectators... until he finds himself face-

to-face with -- his parents.

An unexpected moment. Andy's finger frozen on his brain.

Janice shakes her head despairingly.

JANICE:

Andy, please. Let's go home!

Cameras FLASH. The paparazzi love these moments.

ANDY:

Don't worry, Mom. I'll make you

proud...!

Beat -- then Andy gets HIT in the head with a cup.

People HOOT. Disoriented, Andy returns to the ringside.

Lawler is losing his patience.

LAWLER:

Hey! Did you come down here to

wrestle, or to act like an ass?

Andy paces around, unsure of his next move.

LAWLER (cont'd)

Look... if you get in here, I'll

give you a free headlock.

Lawler leans down and offers his neck.

Andy peers skeptically. People JEER. Andy looks at waiting

Lawler... then tentatively climbs in.

As promised, Lawler doesn't move. So Andy crosses over and

grabs Lawler's head! Andy grins triumphantly. He squeezes

his arms tight, muscles flexing, riding high on this moment.

Until -- Lawler stands and flips him over. Andy SLAMS DOWN

on his back. CRUNCH!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

It's a side suplex!!

Andy lies on the mat, unmoving. Lawler doesn't care. He

picks up Andy's prone body and grips it upside-down. Janice

covers her eyes. Stanley is worried.

REFEREE:

(frantically

gesturing)

NO! NO!

Lawler disregards the Ref and slams Andy's head in a pile-

driver!!

A horrible THUD.

DING! The BELL immediately RINGS.

JANICE opens her eyes and SCREAMS.

JANICE:

JESUS CHRIST!!!!!

STANLEY:

Why isn't he MOVING??

Andy's parents' reaction is a fiesta for photographers.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Lawler has committed a PILEDRIVER,

which is an AUTOMATIC

DISQUALIFICATION! Match goes to

Kaufman by disqualification, after

two minutes, twelve seconds!

Andy is splayed unconscious.

Raging Lawler promenades around the ring, arms over his

head. The crowd SHOUTS CRAZILY, rooting him on.

Lynne runs to the ropes, SCREAMING for help.

LYNNE:

ANDY!!!

(frantic)

Somebody get a DOCTOR!

ZMUDA:

(yelling)

WE NEED A STRETCHER!!

Stanley, totally numbed, holds Janice. They're on the verge

of collapsing. Tons of commotion. Cameras FLASH

BLINDINGLY. A stretcher is lifted into the ring. Andy is

loaded on. MUSIC fights the deafening NOISE.

BEDLAM. Andy is carried through the crowd, followed by his

entourage. A soft object HITS Stanley on the head.

INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Andy is being carried by the Coliseum EMPLOYEES into the

dressing room. The entourage follows. Zmuda pushes out the

crowd of REPORTERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, and ONLOOKERS. He slams

the door and locks it.

INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

Janice runs to Andy's side. She's crying.

JANICE:

Andy!! Are you okay?!?

Andy opens his eyes.

ANDY:

I'm fine, Mom, you can calm down.

A confused beat.

STANLEY:

B-but... we saw... your neck...

ANDY:

Nah, it's phony baloney -- I faked

the whole thing.

(beat)

It didn't hurt at all. It was just

a yoga move. I tucked my head in.

Deadpan, Andy sits up.

Total silence. Stanley stares... then a FURY comes over

him.

STANLEY:

Andrew -- HOW DARE YOU!! For all we

knew, you were DYING! Look at your

mother -- she's still shaking!

Andy is splayed unconscious.

Raging Lawler promenades around the ring, arms over his

head. The crowd SHOUTS CRAZILY, rooting him on.

Lynne runs to the ropes, SCREAMING for help.

LYNNE:

ANDY!!!

(frantic)

Somebody get a DOCTOR!

ZMUDA:

(yelling)

WE NEED A STRETCHER!!

Stanley, totally numbed, holds Janice. They're on the verge

of collapsing. Tons of commotion. Cameras FLASH

BLINDINGLY. A stretcher is lifted into the ring. Andy is

loaded on. MUSIC fights the deafening NOISE.

BEDLAM. Andy is carried through the crowd, followed by his

entourage. A soft object HITS Stanley on the head.

INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Andy is being carried by the Coliseum EMPLOYEES into the

dressing room. The entourage follows. Zmuda pushes out the

crowd of REPORTERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, and ONLOOKERS. He slams

the door and locks it.

INT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM, DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

Janice runs to Andy's side. She's crying.

JANICE:

Andy!! Are you okay?!?

Andy opens his eyes.

ANDY:

I'm fine, Mom, you can calm down.

A confused beat.

STANLEY:

B-but... we saw... your neck...

ANDY:

Nah, it's phony baloney -- I faked

the whole thing.

(beat)

It didn't hurt at all. It was just

a yoga move. I tucked my head in.

Deadpan, Andy sits up.

Total silence. Stanley stares... then a FURY comes over

him.

STANLEY:

Andrew -- HOW DARE YOU!! For all we

knew, you were DYING! Look at your

mother -- she's still shaking!

ANDY:

But that's it. I needed you to

believe! Our family will be in the

newspapers. People will look, and

they'll be touched. Because your

emotions were honest!

Stanley has a blank expression. But Janice starts to cry.

JANICE:

Andy, I love you! I love you,

whatever you do...!

She hugs Andy tightly.

Andy is genuinely shocked. He looks at his quivering

mother... and then his voice softens, truly remorseful.

ANDY:

Geez, I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't

have put you through all that...

(quiet)

Well, from now on, you'll always

know the rule of thumb: Anything

that happens to me... IS NOT REAL.

EXT. MID-SOUTH COLISEUM - NIGHT

A crowd of reporters parts. They make way for Andy, who is

carried out on the stretcher and loaded into a waiting

AMBULANCE. He is "unconscious."

Cameras CLICK and FLASH. The ambulance speeds away, siren

WAILING.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Andy sits watching an OLD DOCTOR examining a number of x-

rays clipped to light panels.

OLD DOCTOR:

I don't see any injury to your neck,

Mr. Kaufman.

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