Man on the Moon Page #16

ANDY:

Are you sure?

OLD DOCTOR:

Positive.

ANDY:

But my neck hurts... and I have a

slight cough...

OLD DOCTOR:

It's probably just a strained

muscle.

ANDY:

(intent)

Doctor, I think I need a neck brace.

The Doctor gives up.

OLD DOCTOR:

If it makes you happy...

MONTAGE OF NEWSPAPER PHOTOS:

Andy in the ring, Andy outside the ring, on the floor, with

his frightened parents, in a neck brace, on the stretcher,

etc.

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - DAY

George, Zmuda and Andy are looking through hundreds of

clippings from the newspapers.

ZMUDA:

(reading aloud)

"... has been rushed to a nearby

hospital, where doctors are checking

him for possible paralysis. His

parents are at his bedside. Fans

will best remember Kaufman as

lovable Latka on television's

Taxi"...

ANDY:

It's a rave! Boy, if I ever fake my

death, they'll really miss me.

ZMUDA:

It's working for Elvis.

GEORGE:

(sarcastic)

Yeah, he's just laying low, waitin'

for his comeback.

(he sees an article

and winces)

God, listen to this! "It was

morally wrong to take advantage of

such an unstable individual..."

ZMUDA:

Wow, you can't BUY this kind of

publicity!

George rolls his eyes.

ANDY:

George, let's not drop the ball on

this. I've made some kind of cosmic

career move.

Somebody KNOCKS outside. Andy jumps up, puts on his neck

brace, and transforms himself into a shuffling invalid. A

DELIVERY BOY drags in an enormous basket of flowers and

goodies. Andy takes the card. It reads "Andy, we're all

praying for you. Your friends at Taxi."

Andy chuckles.

EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER - DAY

George is eating with the Saturday Night Live Producer,

Lorne Michaels. They're eating lunch in an outdoor cafe.

GEORGE:

Thanks for seeing me on such short

notice.

(he takes a careful

beat)

I... I wanted to talk to you about

booking Andy on "Saturday Night

Live."

Lorne Michaels squirms uncomfortably. He chooses his words.

LORNE MICHAELS:

George -- I don't know if Andy works

for our show anymore. That

wrestling stuff... is such a

turnoff.

GEORGE:

We agree completely.

(tactfully begging)

Andy has to reconnect with his core

audience. So I got him on Letterman

tonight. He's gonna apologize to

Jerry Lawler, then repent for all

his bad guy shenanigans.

Lorne Michaels mulls this over.

LORNE MICHAELS:

That's smart.

GEORGE:

He's very sincere.

(quietly emphatic)

And he needs your show...

Beat. Lorne Michaels nods.

LORNE MICHAELS:

Okay. It'd be good to have the old

Andy back.

CUT TO:

INT. DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW - NIGHT

Andy and Jerry Lawler are on DAVID LETTERMAN'S show. Andy

is pallid, hair shaggy, in a neckbrace and tweed jacket.

Husky Lawler wears loud red pants and gold chains.

Andy speaks timidly, seeming a bit dazed and regretful.

ANDY:

I apologize for all the wrestling

I've ever done. I'm sorry for all

the abuse I've ever given...

(soft)

I was just playing bad guy wrestler.

That's not me... it's just a role.

But Jerry took it personally.

Lawler and Letterman are unimpressed.

LETTERMAN:

You said some pretty inflammatory

things.

LAWLER:

He thinks everything's a joke -- but

it's not.

(to Andy)

Did you laugh when you were layin'

in the hospital??

The crowd WHOOOOS.

Angst flickers on Andy's sweaty face. He stammers.

ANDY:

T-there wasn't a reason to purposely

hurt me --

LAWLER:

You're a wimp.

ANDY:

(upset)

My father said I should've gotten a

lawyer --!

LAWLER:

Then your father's a wimp.

ANDY:

(losing it)

And you're just poor white trash!

Lawler's had enough. Enraged, he wildly stands and SLAPS

Andy.

BAM!

Andy crashes over and falls from his chair.

THUD. He's on the floor.

Dead silence. Everyone is astonished.

They're all slack-jawed. Even PAUL SHAFFER. Trying to

cover, Paul hurriedly kicks in with a ROCKABILLY TUNE.

Andy jumps up, crazed.

ANDY (cont'd)

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS SH*T!

Lawler freezes in his seat. Letterman hides behind his

desk.

Andy storms over, out-of-control. From a safe distance, he

starts SCREAMING at Lawler.

ANDY (cont'd)

YOU ARE FULL OF SH*T, Lawler! I

WILL SUE YOUR ASS! YOU'RE A F***ING

A**HOLE!

(he POUNDS the desk)

F*** YOU! F*** YOU! I WILL GET YOU

FOR THIS!!!

Freaked, Andy leaps up and storms out.

LETTERMAN:

You said some pretty inflammatory

things.

LAWLER:

He thinks everything's a joke -- but

it's not.

(to Andy)

Did you laugh when you were layin'

in the hospital??

The crowd WHOOOOS.

Angst flickers on Andy's sweaty face. He stammers.

ANDY:

T-there wasn't a reason to purposely

hurt me --

LAWLER:

You're a wimp.

ANDY:

(upset)

My father said I should've gotten a

lawyer --!

LAWLER:

Then your father's a wimp.

ANDY:

(losing it)

And you're just poor white trash!

Lawler's had enough. Enraged, he wildly stands and SLAPS

Andy.

BAM!

Andy crashes over and falls from his chair.

THUD. He's on the floor.

Dead silence. Everyone is astonished.

They're all slack-jawed. Even PAUL SHAFFER. Trying to

cover, Paul hurriedly kicks in with a ROCKABILLY TUNE.

Andy jumps up, crazed.

ANDY (cont'd)

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS SH*T!

Lawler freezes in his seat. Letterman hides behind his

desk.

Andy storms over, out-of-control. From a safe distance, he

starts SCREAMING at Lawler.

ANDY (cont'd)

YOU ARE FULL OF SH*T, Lawler! I

WILL SUE YOUR ASS! YOU'RE A F***ING

A**HOLE!

(he POUNDS the desk)

F*** YOU! F*** YOU! I WILL GET YOU

FOR THIS!!!

Freaked, Andy leaps up and storms out.

The crowd CHEERS rowdily.

An unsure moment. Dave glances at Lawler.

Until, Andy stumbles back in. He tries to calm himself.

ANDY (cont'd)

I am sorry. I am sorry to use those

words on television. I apologize!

I'm sorry!

(demented)

But YOU -- you're a MOTHERFUCKING

A**HOLE!!!!

Andy slams Dave's desk. Dave jerks nervously.

Crazed, Andy looks down at Dave's coffee cup. Uh-oh.

Suddenly, Andy grabs the coffee and DUMPS it on Lawler!

Lawler jumps, burned. A SECURITY GUARD runs in.

Andy screams and hurtles away. He slams open the stage door

and barrels out of sight.

INTERCUT:

INT. LORNE MICHAELS' HOUSE - SAME TIME

Lorne Michaels is watching this at home. He gapes in

disbelief.

LORNE MICHAELS:

Jesus Christ.

CUT TO:

INT. SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - ONE WEEK LATER

A SMUG COMIC stands on stage, speaking into camera. The

show's going out live.

SMUG COMIC:

Hi. Um, we were supposed to have

Andy Kaufman on our show this week -

- but now our producers aren't sure

if it's such a good idea.

(beat)

Some of us at Saturday Night Live

think Kaufman's a comic genius. But

others disagree... they say he's

just not funny anymore.

(beat)

So we're putting the decision up to

you. Please call up and vote. To

keep Andy, call 1-900-244-7618. To

DUMP him, call...

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY

Tight on Andy, staring at the LA Times. A small headline

says "JOKESTER ANDY KAUFMAN VOTED OFF 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'"

He is bothered.

ANDY:

This is bad... I only got 28

percent! I'm like McGovern in

'72...

George sighs.

GEORGE:

And this wasn't "Merv." This was

the hippest audience on television.

(grim)

They've turned on you.

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