Man on the Moon Page #18

A couple stoners GIGGLE and CLAP. Andy COUGHS, then frowns.

ANDY (cont'd)

I'm serious.

A pause... then a few curious people walk up to the stage.

The first taker is a GOOFY BLONDE WOMAN. She starts to

reach for the cyst -- when Andy stops her.

ANDY (cont'd)

No, no, you gotta pay first.

She nods, discomforted, and reaches for her purse...

CUT TO:

INT. LA IMPROV, BAR - LATER THAT NIGHT

A BUSBOY sweeps up. Budd counts money in the cash register.

Andy shuffles out of the showroom. He waves some bills.

ANDY:

I made six bucks. That's good

money.

Budd stares sadly.

BUDD:

This is a comedy club -- not a

medical sideshow.

(trying to be kind)

If you wanna perform here, take a

shower, get some sleep, and pull

yourself together. Come back and do

the material that people love: Do

the Mighty Mouse, the Foreign guy!

Andy, you gotta snap out of this

funk! If you can -- I'll give you

the headline spot tomorrow.

Andy thinks. The wheels are spinning.

CUT TO:

EXT. MELROSE - DAY

George is driving down Melrose, listening to the radio. He

glances at the passing marquee -- then does a doubletake.

It says "ANDY KAUFMAN - 9 P.M."

INT. LA IMPROV, LOBBY - THAT NIGHT

Puzzled George hurries inside. COMICS greet him: "Hey

George!" "George, you got a second?!" George distractedly

waves and moves through. At the showroom door, he finds

Budd.

GEORGE:

Hey, what's going on here?

BUDD:

George, you won't believe it... I

got Andy to do all the old material!

(grinning)

And he's killin' them!

Inside, there's HUGE LAUGHTER. George's eyes widen.

Piqued, he goes in...

INT. LA IMPROV, SHOWROOM - NIGHT

And it's packed! Andy is onstage, playing struggling,

lovable Foreign Man.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

... but one ting I do not like is

too much traffic. Tonight I had to

come on de freeway, and it was so

much traffic...

(giggling)

It took me an hour and a half to get

here!

Foreign Man chuckles pathetically.

The crowd HOWLS. Andy's rockin'.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

But talking about the terrible

things:
My wife. Take my --

INTERRUPTING JERK

"Take my wife, please take her."

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

T-take my wife, please take her...

The rhythm is thrown. A couple laughs.

A flustered pause. Andy glances down, then continues.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

No really, I am only foolink. I

love my wife very much. But she

don't know how to cook --

INTERRUPTING JERK

"Her cooking is so bad, is

terrible."

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

H-her cooking...

(Andy stumbles

uncomfortably)

Uh, cooking is so bad, is terrible.

The laughs are weaker. The act is getting wrecked.

IN BACK - George grimaces. Who the hell's doing this??

Angry, George hurries down front, looking for the loud jerk.

He scans the tables... and it's Zmuda.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

But right now --

ZMUDA (AS JERK)

"But right now I would like to do

for you some imitations. First, the

Archie Bunker."

Andy freezes up.

The audience is embarrassed.

A frazzled confusion, then Andy drops the accent. He glares

at Zmuda.

ANDY:

Sir, do you have a problem?

ZMUDA (AS JERK)

Yeah, my problem is you're tired.

Andy winces.

ANDY:

I, I was asked to do this material -

-

ZMUDA (AS JERK)

Sure, because your new stuff's a

bunch of crap. Kaufman, people are

sick of you. The wrestling... the

hoaxes...

ANDY:

(defensive)

Hey -- that stuff gets written-up in

the papers --

ZMUDA (AS JERK)

Who gives a sh*t?! It's not funny!

GEORGE - is dumbfounded.

GEORGE:

(to himself)

Why...? Andy, why...?

ON ANDY AND ZMUDA

ZMUDA:

I used to think you were original.

ANDY:

I was very original!

ZMUDA:

Yeah, exactly -- "was"! But now,

you're creatively bankrupt.

(he gleams cruelly)

In fact, Ladies and Gentlemen,

Kaufman's so desperate, he PAID me

to do this tonight!! I'm a plant.

It's just a fresh coat of paint on

an old broken-down routine.

(back to Andy)

Isn't that true???

Andy shudders.

The audience averts their eyes.

A painful silence.

"Andy Kaufman" has been destroyed.

EXT. LA IMPROV - LATER THAT NIGHT

Andy and George walk sadly down the street. There is a

horrible gloom over them.

ANDY:

The world thinks Andy Kaufman sucks.

So I was just giving 'em what they

want...

GEORGE:

(sadly)

Andy, they don't think you suck.

They've just... lost a reason to

love you.

The guys stop walking. George gently speaks.

GEORGE (cont'd)

You've gotta make the public embrace

you again. You have to win back

their sympathy...

ON ANDY:

He nods.

ANDY:

I'll come up with something.

CUT TO:

INT. LAUREL CANYON, BEDROOM - NIGHT

The telephone wakes up Lynne in the new bedroom. She looks

over -- Andy's not there. She looks at the clock and it's

4:
30 am. She picks up the phone.

LYNNE:

Andy!!... Where are you? I've been

worried sick... NOW??... Where do

you want to meet?... Okay, I'll call

them...

Lynne's baffled.

INT. DENNY'S - DAWN

Late-night Hollywood weirdos mill about. Andy sits with

bleary Lynne, Zmuda, and George. Zmuda admires the menu.

ZMUDA:

Look at that Grand Slam! Two eggs,

two bacon, two sausage, two pancakes

-- $2.99! How do they do it?

LYNNE:

They get you on the coffee.

GEORGE:

(irritable)

Excuse me -- but could Andy tell us

why we're here???

All heads turn. A long pause.

Then -- Andy stiffly speaks.

ANDY:

I have cancer.

Beat. Zmuda nods.

ZMUDA:

Hey, that's good! We can make that

play.

(spitballing)

And we'll really drag it out. You

get better, you get worse... you

die...

GEORGE:

FORGET IT. It's in terrible taste!

I want nothing to do with this.

Pause. Lynne is puzzled.

LYNNE:

Andy, are you serious?

ZMUDA:

(grinning)

Serious like a heart attack! Hey,

maybe I can push you around in some

goofy wheelchair!

Andy softly shakes his head.

ANDY:

No, it's true. I have lung cancer.

GEORGE:

That's ridiculous. You don't even

smoke.

ANDY:

(emphatic)

I -- I got some freaky rare kind.

It's called large-celled carcinoma.

Lynne's eyes tear up. She hugs onto Andy.

LYNNE:

Jesus, Andy! Can they cure it?

ANDY:

They don't know... they've gotta run

more tests.

LYNNE:

(starting to cry)

Have you told your family?

ANDY:

No, NO! Not yet. I feel bad --

I've jerked 'em around so many

times.

George and Zmuda glance skeptically at each other. Hmm...

Confused, George leans in to Andy.

GEORGE:

Andy... you look me in the eye, and

tell me this is true.

Andy gulps.

ANDY:

George -- it's true.

INT. DENNY'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

George confronts Zmuda.

GEORGE:

If I find out you're behind this,

I'll kill you.

ZMUDA:

What are ya TALKIN' ABOUT?! I was

the one saying I didn't believe it!

GEORGE:

Exactly. That's the sort of thing

you guys would work out to f*** me

up.

INT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE - DAY

Andy is doing laundry. He empties the clean clothes, puts

them in a basket, and carries them to the rug. Then he sits

down and starts laying out pairs of socks in highly

symmetrical patterns. Focused, impassive, Andy pointlessly

orders the socks like the world depended on it.

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