Man on the Moon Page #19

Lynne enters, emotionally wrecked. She stares in

frustration at Andy's behavior.

LYNNE:

How can you be so casual??!

ANDY:

(he shrugs)

Even if I'm dying -- I still need

clean socks.

LYNNE:

You're NOT DYING!

ANDY:

Okay. You're probably right.

He keeps working. Lynne loses it.

LYNNE:

God, you're so detached!!

Lynne storms out.

Andy finishes his socks. Satisfied... he turns on the TV.

ON THE TV:
It's "Lassie." Little TIMMY is laid-up in bed,

with a broken leg. Suddenly LASSIE runs in, holding a book.

Lassie places the book on his lap. The boy smiles

gratefully.

TIMMY (ON TV)

Thank you, girl. You're my best

friend.

Timmy warmly embraces the dog.

ANDY - is terribly touched. Tears start rolling down his

face.

Genuine sobbing. Terrible grief, until he wipes his cheeks.

Andy collects himself, then reaches for a phone. He dials a

long number.

ANDY:

(on phone)

Dad...?

CUT TO:

INT. CEDARS SINAI, RADIATION ROOM - DAY

ANDY lies under the machine. It bombards his body with

powerful radiation.

INT. CEDARS SINAI, DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

The whole Kaufman family is gathered. Stanley, Janice,

Michael and Carol listen to a BLAND DOCTOR in a white coat.

DOCTOR:

The cancer started in Andy's left

arm and spread to his lungs. We've

initiated an aggressive radiation

program... see if we can eradicate

the affected cells.

(his BEEPER goes

off)

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

The doctor leaves. A somber silence -- and then Janice

bursts into tears. Stanley hugs her tightly.

Carol watches the doctor with great hostility. His old

tennis shoes are grabbing her attention. He leaves, and she

frowns.

CAROL:

What a crock.

STANLEY:

(angered)

How dare you make light of this!

CAROL:

Dad, I cried when he broke his neck.

He's not gettin' me again --

STANLEY:

(impassioned)

Jesus! He's got lung cancer!

A standoff moment. Carol loses it.

CAROL:

See, that's exactly it! He picked

lung cancer, because he doesn't

smoke. That makes it weird! If

he'd picked leukemia, it'd be

totally believable, and we'd all be

going, "Poor Andy, he's really

sick." So he chose lung cancer,

because he WANTS us to be scratching

our heads, saying, "Is this real?"

JANICE:

(trying to convince

herself)

Of course it's real. We're in a

hospital...

MICHAEL:

Mom, it's Cedars-Sinai! It's a

showbiz hospital! Andy's studio

friends probably run this place!

CAROL:

He plans these things out. He takes

over, hires actors...

(beat)

Personally, I didn't think that

"doctor" was very convincing.

MICHAEL:

Did you notice his costume had the

wrong shoes?

CAROL:

(excited)

Yeah! He didn't have doctor shoes!

A moment of total silence. All four of them look at each

other. Is there... a glimmer of hope?

MICHAEL:

We all know he's talked about faking

his own death...

STANLEY:

Sure -- but what if he isn't?

(sad; poignant)

My son could be dying... and we're

actin' like we're on Candid Camera.

CUT TO:

EXT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE - DAY

George pulls up in his convertible. He jumps out.

He walks to the door and starts to knock -- when suddenly it

creeps open. It's Lynne, putting her finger to her lips:

Shh!

INT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

The house is dark. Lynne leads George into the shrouded

living room... and Andy is sitting in a Lotus position,

concentrating. In front is a WILD-HAIRED MAN in a purple

robe.

WILD-HAIRED MAN

I want you to visualize. Visualize

big, healthy white cells in your

body. Now visualize little cancer

cells. Now those big white cells

are attacking the cancer cells...

ANDY:

I see them... I see the white

cells...

In the corner -- George stares. He's fighting his

skepticism.

CUT TO:

INT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY

The drapes are open. Sunlight streams in. Andy hugs the

teacher goodbye, and the man leaves.

George has been waiting in back.

GEORGE:

What was that all about?

ANDY:

It's visualization therapy. He's

helping me turn inward and fight the

disease.

Long beat.

GEORGE:

He's an actor. I remember him in

"The In-Laws."

Ah. Andy's eyes widen. His wheels are spinning fast.

ANDY:

Uh, yes... that's true. But he's

also ordained in holistic medicine.

ON GEORGE - He glares, stewing. George is fed up.

ON ANDY - An unspoken tension. Then suddenly, he breaks

down.

ANDY (cont'd)

George, what am I supposed to do?!

I'm sick, and I'm tryin' to get

better... but everyone's lookin' at

me funny! Even you come to my home

and act like I'm puttin' on a skit!

GEORGE:

You must take a little pleasure in

it.

ANDY:

Of course!

(beat)

But that doesn't mean I don't need

everyone's support! I can't be

surrounded by negative energy.

George shakes his head.

GEORGE:

Andy, you're surrounded by what you

create. You are the KING of

negative energy.

ANDY:

(thrown)

Y-yeah? Well, then it has to stop!

Because if these bad vibes get

out... then everyone will be talkin'

about how sick I am, and it becomes

a self-fulfilling prophecy, and then

-- I'm dead.

Andy struggles to remain composed. George sighs.

GEORGE:

So how can I help you...?

ANDY:

I wanna go back to work and put on a

happy show.

(bright-eyed)

The best show anybody's ever seen!

GEORGE:

Do you wanna tour the clubs?

ANDY:

No clubs. I wanna reach the TOP!

(beat)

Carnegie Hall...!

George gently smiles.

CUT TO:

INT. NATIONAL ENQUIRER OFFICES - DAY

A STAFF meeting at the National Enquirer.

REPORTER #1

I'm working on a great cover story:

I've got a guy in the lab at Cedars.

He says Andy Kaufman is dying of

lung cancer.

Beat. The room GROANS.

EDITOR:

What bullshit! No. No more Kaufman

stories! He's burned us too many

times!

REPORTER #2

Yeah, he's definitely not dying.

He's playing Carnegie Hall next

month!

The Reporter frowns.

REPORTER #1

Jesus. Only Kaufman would use

cancer as a publicity stunt.

INT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE - NIGHT

A 16mm PROJECTOR runs a scratchy 1930's movie short on the

wall. Smiling fake COWBOYS and COWGIRLS dance, the cowgirls

straddling hobby horses. They all SING.

COWBOYS AND COWGIRLS

"I've got spurs

That jingle-jangle jingle..."

WE WIDEN:

Andy, George and Zmuda watch. Andy's face is enthralled

like a kid.

ANDY:

This is great. The crowd's gonna

love this!

(giddy; thinking)

Hey... do you still think any of

those cowgirls are still alive?

ZMUDA:

I dunno. If they were, they'd be

pushin' 80.

ANDY:

Well, call SAG. It'd be cool to get

one on the show.

(excited)

I want the evening to build and

build. It's gonna have the most

incredible ending: Singers, dancers,

the "Hallelujah Chorus" -- then the

sky opens, and Santa Claus comes

flying down!

ZMUDA:

And you say, "Santa, what am I

gettin' for Christmas?" And he

says, "Cancer!"

ANDY:

No! NO NO NO! None of that! I

want this show to be positive!

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