Man on the Moon Page #20

GEORGE:

That's great... but this show's

gonna cost a fortune. Even if it

sells out, you'll still lose eighty

grand.

Andy smiles.

ANDY:

I don't care about the money. I

just want the show to deliver.

GEORGE:

So who's gonna pay for it?

ANDY:

Tony Clifton.

GEORGE:

(beat)

You know Tony doesn't have that kind

of money.

ANDY:

Then he'll borrow it. I know Tony

better than you do. Even if he has

to work another ten years to pay it

off, he'll do it!

Pause. George considers this -- then slowly nods.

GEORGE:

Okay, Andy. Will do.

CUT TO:

INT. CEDARS SINAI - DAY

Andy silently sits. The doctor and two NURSES administer a

chemo drip into Andy's body.

He stares at the needle in his arm.

The chemo begins.

CUT TO:

EXT. CARNEGIE HALL - NIGHT

A dressy NEW YORK CROWD pushes into Carnegie Hall. The

marquee says "ANDY KAUFMAN."

INT. CARNEGIE HALL - LATER THAT NIGHT

The show is on. Andy effusively PLAYS his conga drum and

SINGS nonsense words to "Allouette, Gentille Alloutte."

ANDY:

Abbu daba, abi abbu daba! Abbu

daba, abu dabu do!

(to the crowd)

Abbu dabbu da ba do...!

Everyone repeats. In the audience, George sings along too.

AUDIENCE:

ABBU DABBU DA BA DO!!

ANDY:

A ba du ba ti la ma na go!

AUDIENCE:

A BA DU BA TI... LA... MA NA GO...

ANDY:

(grinning)

Abbu da ba du ba ti lama na gobo abi

tabu la!

AUDIENCE:

ABBU DA BA DU...

The crowd hopelessly breaks out LAUGHING.

ANDY laughs along. They're all having a good time.

INT. CARNEGIE HALL - LATER THAT NIGHT

The corny "Jingle Jangle Cowboy" MOVIE is playing on a big

screen. It finishes. Beaming Andy grabs the mike.

ANDY:

Ladies and Gentlemen! I'm pleased

to announce that we have with us the

one surviving cowgirl from that 1931

film, Eleanor "Cody" Gould!!

Crazed APPLAUSE. Frail ELEANOR GOULD, 75, comes onstage.

ANDY (cont'd)

It's such an honor to have you here.

ELEANOR:

(squinting into the

lights)

Andy... this is so overwhelming...

ANDY:

Well, it's gettin' even better!

'Cause we found one of the original

hobby horses! Do you -- do you

think you could treat us to a few

steps from "Jingle Jangle Jingle"?

Eleanor starts to protest -- but Andy hands her the HOBBY

HORSE. She blushes. Andy turns away, goes to the band, and

starts conducting. They begin to PLAY "JINGLE JANGLE

JINGLE." Eleanor awkwardly starts dancing in circles.

Andy gets excited and conducts FASTER. Eleanor is sweating.

She dances faster.

Andy impatiently SPEEDS UP the MUSIC MORE. Eleanor

desperately skips in circles, trying to keep up... when

suddenly she grabs her heart.

Eleanor stops -- and collapses. She's down.

A horrified GASP from the crowd. The band stops playing.

CREW MEMBERS run on from backstage. One checks her heart.

She's not moving. Zmuda runs out, horrified.

ZMUDA:

Is there a doctor in the house??!

The crowd is stunned silent. Pause -- then one man stands.

It's Michael.

Straight-faced, he hurries out of his seat, sprints down the

aisle, and goes on stage. Michael checks her pulse and

loosens her blouse. He presses Eleanor's chest, trying to

restart her heart. But then -- he shakes his head sadly.

She's dead.

The crowd MOANS sadly. Michael covers Eleanor with a

jacket.

INT. CARNEGIE HALL, BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Andy watches, pleased. Suddenly, he COUGHS harshly. Andy

drinks some water. Pause... then he puts on a goofy Indian

headdress and runs back out.

INT. CARNEGIE HALL - NIGHT

Eleanor lies dead. Andy skips over and starts doing an

Indian war dance around her body. The crowd is baffled.

Andy WHOOPS, he CHANTS... and then Eleanor starts to rise!

He WHOOPS triumphantly. She lives, like Frankenstein

reborn! The crowd CHEERS, surprised and giggling.

ANDY:

Ladies and Gentlemen, she's alive!

Huge APPLAUSE.

CHOIR (O.S.)

HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH!

ANDY:

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Mormon

Tabernacle Choir!!!

Rear curtains part, and the MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR belts

out the "Hallelujah Chorus"!

It's spectacular. The crowd goes nuts.

ANDY (cont'd)

Oh my gosh, it's the Rockettes!

Yes indeed, TWO DOZEN ROCKETTES rush in from the sides, legs

kicking high.

The crowd WHOOS.

ANDY (cont'd)

Girls and Boys, it's Santa Claus!!

Snow start falling, and SANTA ON HIS SLEIGH drops from

above.

The crowd screams with excitement. It's unbelievable. They

leap to a standing ovation.

In front are Stanley and Janice. They start crying.

Beaming Andy embraces Eleanor. Then he takes the mike.

ANDY (cont'd)

And it's not over yet!! 'Cause I'm

taking you all out to Milk and

Cookies!!

The crowd laughs.

ANDY (cont'd)

I'm serious!!!!!!!

EXT. CARNEGIE HALL - MINUTES LATER

A thousand people file out -- and THIRTY-FIVE SCHOOLBUSES

are parked up and down Fifth Avenue!!! The crowd is AWED.

Andy euphorically marches out, pushing his endurance. He's

the Pied Piper.

ANDY:

Single file! Don't rush! There's

enough cookies for everyone!!

EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - LATER THAT NIGHT

The schoolbuses pull up to a school. The disoriented

passengers step out, not sure what to expect...

INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, CAFETERIA - NIGHT

The audience crowds inside... and LADY CAFETERIA WORKERS in

hairnets are dispensing milk and cookies. It's remarkable.

At a little kids table sit Andy and Lynne. Andy's face is

pure joy. He watches all the adults munching on their

cookies, everyone giddy at the silliness of it all.

Andy smiles beautifully. He squeezes Lynne's hand, then

whispers.

ANDY:

I don't want this to ever end...

EXT. NEW MEXICO DESERT - DAY

A stucco SPA RESORT sits in the middle of the rocky desert.

INT. SPA - SAME TIME

A room with soft lighting and billowing curtains. A New Age

HEALER is laying crystals upon Andy's body.

Andy COUGHS. His hat is off, revealing he's bald.

HEALER:

Now we'll place a blue crystal.

Very high vibrations. It's

wonderful for it's healing powers.

ANDY:

(spellbound)

Okay. Let's try two of those... and

one of the pink ones.

EXT. SPA - DAY

Zmuda stands with a swarmy ADMINISTRATOR.

ADMINISTRATOR:

Your friend is doing four crystal

sessions a day, but it's just not

helping.

ZMUDA:

I know...

(beat)

The cancer's terminal.

ADMINISTRATOR:

Yes. That wasn't made particularly

clear to us when he checked in...

ZMUDA:

(irked)

Look, personally, I think rubbing

rocks on people is a load of

horseshit. But if it makes Andy

happy, that's all that matters.

The man purses his lips.

ADMINISTRATOR:

I'm sorry to sound crass -- but we

don't want to be "that health resort

in New Mexico where Andy Kaufman

died."

(beat)

I'm going to have to ask you to

leave.

Zmuda is speechless.

INT. SPA, ANDY'S ROOM - LATER THAT DAY

Zmuda angrily packs Andy's bags. Zmuda is seething.

But Andy is strangely calm and unaffected.

ANDY:

It's okay, Bob. It wasn't really

working.

(a gentle smile)

We'll find something better.

INT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

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