Man on the Moon Page #21

Lynne and Little Wendy are cooking Andy lunch. Lynne mashes

up strange unidentifiable plant products.

LITTLE WENDY:

What is this stuff?

LYNNE:

It's all macrobiotic. Millet,

burdock root, kelp... Andy says

it'll purify him.

Suddenly -- a SHARP VOICE.

TONY CLIFTON (O.S.)

What is that crap? Looks like

somethin' my dog would puke up!!

The women turn. It's Andy -- dressed as Tony Clifton.

A spooked moment.

Tony's wig, peach tux, and sunglasses are there... but Andy

is barely strong enough to bark out the attitude.

TONY CLIFTON:

How 'bout me and you dolls go get

some REAL food:
French fries and a

Porterhouse steak!

LYNNE:

(not sure what to

say)

...Andy...?

Little Wendy's eyes pop: Oh no she broke the rule! Tony

gets very indignant.

TONY CLIFTON:

I ain't Andy! I'm Tony! Andy's

sick -- pick, chick, kick, lick!

The doctor says he's a goner.

(rousing himself)

But Tony's built like a mule! Andy

asked me to be his pallbearer! I'll

do it for him! I'm getting stronger

and stronger! Here, watch this!

Tony picks up a CHAIR and starts lifting it: Up, down, up,

down. Worried, the women rush to stop him. They take the

chair.

LYNNE:

Stop it! C'mon, put that down.

TONY CLIFTON:

Yeah, you're right. We better get

movin'. We don't wanna miss Happy

Hour at Kelbos -- all the Mai Tai's

you can drink for $4.99.

Tony jauntily turns to exit. He gestures to the ladies.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

Let's go!

(he starts SINGING

"New York, New

York")

"These vagabond blues,

Are washin' away.

I'll make a brand new start of

it..."

Tony reaches the doorway -- and collapses.

He clutches himself in pain.

LYNNE AND LITTLE WENDY

Andy!!

Shocked, they run over.

Tony lies huddled on the ground. He mutters sadly,

defeatedly.

TONY CLIFTON:

Dammit...

CUT TO:

EXT. LAUREL CANYON HOUSE - DUSK

The sun is setting, purple and orange over the hills. Andy

and George lie on chaise lounges, serenely staring out.

Andy has a blank look on his face, and has lost more weight.

He is a shadow of himself.

ANDY:

I can't move my arm.

GEORGE:

(awkwardly)

You've got good days and bad days.

Andy softly sighs.

ANDY:

My hair is coming out.

GEORGE:

(whispers)

Yeah...

George silently pats Andy. Andy's energy is sapped, but he

forces himself to be upbeat.

ANDY:

I've got an idea for a new TV show

for me to star in. It's called

"Uncle Andy's Fun House" -- it'll be

a Saturday morning thing where I can

goof off with the kids. You know,

puppets, magic tricks...

George is choked up. He goes along with it.

GEORGE:

(long pause)

I think we can sell that.

Silence.

George struggles not to shatter Andy's enthusiasm.

Andy smiles gratefully.

ANDY:

Hey... thanks for always backin' me.

George clenches Andy's hand.

GEORGE:

Did your -- doctor say it's okay for

you to go back to work?

ANDY:

Ehhh, you know those guys. If he

had his way, I'd be stuck in the

hospital, running tests all day.

(beat)

And anyway, I've found a new guy

who's gonna be able to instantly

remove the cancer.

GEORGE:

(startled)

Really?

ANDY:

Yeah! He's a psychic surgeon in the

Philippines, and he's amazing! He

rubs you and sucks the disease right

out!

Andy beams. George stares sadly.

GEORGE:

The Philippines? I dunno... Andy...

he sounds like one of your

characters.

TIGHT - ANDY

His voice gets hushed.

ANDY:

No... this guy's special.

(very sincere)

He performs miracles.

George doesn't know how to respond.

Andy looks up pleadingly.

ANDY (cont'd)

He's my last chance.

CUT TO:

EXT. BAGUIO CITY, PHILIPPINES - DAY

Baguio, a tiny scratched-in-the-dirt Philippine city.

Suddenly, a rattletrap COMMUTER PLANE lurches out of the

sky. It hits a dirt runway. Dust flies. Chickens squawk

and run.

INT. BEAT UP TAXI, PHILIPPINES - DAY

Andy, Lynne, and Zmuda ride through the impoverished city.

Andy stares in amazement.

EXT. CLINIC, PHILIPPINES - DAY

They reach a brick building. A sign says "CLINIC," with an

eye over a triangle.

INT. CLINIC, PHILIPPINES - DAY

A NURSE hurriedly helps weakened Andy sign a bunch of forms.

Money is handed over.

Andy's clothes are stripped off. They're thrown in a

locker.

INT. CLINIC OPERATION ROOM, PHILIPPINES - DAY

A large white tiled room. Lynne and Zmuda roll in pallid

Andy, his limp body unmoving.

Andy looks up... and there's a LONG LINE OF SICKLY PEOPLE.

Primarily Japanese, emaciated, all stripped to their

underwear and barely able to stand.

They have a look of desperation and reverence.

At the head of the line is JUN ROXAS at his work station: A

bench, a sink, and ATTENDANTS with clean towels.

A SICKLY WOMAN crawls onto the bench. Jun impassively

presses his hand into the fatty flesh of her stomach,

kneading, searching. Pause, then he removes some BLOODY

GUTS.

He flings them into a bucket.

The woman cries out.

Andy gasps.

The woman is helped away.

Jun turns to wash his hands. An attendant gives him a towel

to dry with. Then a SICKLY MAN crawls up...

Andy rolls closer. He stares at all this with fear.

Nervousness. Hope.

Jun impassively presses his hand against the man's head. He

concentrates, searching... then pulls out some BLOODY GUTS.

He flings them into a bucket.

The man shakes. He is helped away.

Andy is wide-eyed. He gets closer... closer...

More patients. More bloody guts. More sobbing.

Andy's excitement builds.

Then -- he reaches the front.

A moment.

Lynne and Zmuda stare into Andy's eyes, drawn in by his

total belief. They are overcome. It feels like they're

saying goodbye. Lynne gives Andy a tender kiss. Zmuda

starts to shake his hand -- and instead hugs him tightly.

Andy smiles, then the attendants lift him from the

wheelchair. They help him up to the bench.

Andy lies down. Fluorescent lights buzz overhead.

He looks over, and Jun Roxas is washing his hands from the

previous patient.

Andy shivers, anticipating the miracle.

Jun turns. An attendant gives him a towel to dry off.

Andy relaxes, readying for it all...

He glances at Jun's hands. Jun hands back the towel -- and

under it the attendant quickly slips Jun a sack of animal

intestines.

Jun discreetly palms it. He's a fake.

CLOSEUP - ANDY

A moment of stunned disbelief.

He is shocked. Outraged. Disappointed. Flabbergasted.

The faith is meaningless. The joke is cosmic. The con man

has been conned.

Andy's overpowering emotions coalesce... and he starts to

LAUGH.

It's sidesplittingly funny. Andy LAUGHS, and LAUGHS, and

LAUGHS, like a crazy man with no salvation, the joy

releasing him, the tears rolling down his cheeks.

His face flushes with color. Life sparkles in his eyes.

Andy laughs and guffaws until he's hoarse. This is the best

gag of them all.

SLOW DISSOLVE TO:

INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

Andy lies in peace in a casket. He has died.

His expression is pleasantly bland. Almost Latka-like. But

his face is caked with so much funeral-home makeup, it

almost looks like a mask.

We slowly widen. The casket is surrounded by beautiful

flowers. We TILT UP... and high above... is a MOVIE SCREEN.

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