Manhattan Murder Mystery Page #2

- I haven't forgotten. Believe me.

- Have a nice time. You're gussied up.

- We're going to the opera.

- Enjoy.

- My favourite.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Come, we're gonna be late.

The deal was, I sit through the game

and you watch the opera.

I can't listen to that much Wagner.

I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.

I think it's weird. One night she's

having coffee, and the next she's dead?

I know. And she did not look like

she was ready to go.

Maybe he killed her.

Like he's got a young tootsie.

You gotta see this guy.

This guy gets his jollies from

licking stamps. He's a boring...

I can see that. Depending

on who is on the stamp.

She never mentioned

she had a heart condition.

Well, what is she gonna say?

"Hello, I have a bad heart. "

She told me about her hysterectomy.

It's easier to talk about a

hysterectomy than a heart condition.

She liked desserts.

Is that what you said?

So she had one too many.

No! She wasn't on a diet.

We discussed diets.

- She wasn't on a diet.

- This is a great way to kill somebody.

- How?

- You clog their arteries...

...with whipped cream, chocolate mousse,

butter. They go like that.

- That's great.

- Disgusting, but...

I love it.

- Wouldn't that be great?

- I'd like to pastry myself to death.

- I'll help you.

- I would.

I'd like another

piece of pie, after this.

Are you gonna start a restaurant?

Are you serious?

- You're a great cook.

- Count me in. I want to be part of it.

- Really.

- Really?

- You should.

- No. I don't know. Are you serious?

- It'd be wonderful.

- What are you encouraging her for?

- She's a great cook.

- Thanks to you.

It was his idea.

The cooking lessons, I mean.

A restaurant is serious business

you can't take lightly.

- You can't be cavalier about it.

- I'm not being cavalier.

Do you know how time-consuming it is?

- Wait. Look.

- They steal from you if...

- It's what I do.

- She'll cook. She's great. She's a pro.

She'll be cooking. I'll be running

the joint like Rick in Casablanca.

- Might as well get paid for it.

- I'm serious.

- It's serious.

- I'll be the first customer.

I was thinking of fixing

Ted up with Helen Dubin.

Then I figured they would get into

an argument over penis envy.

- The poor guy suffers from it so.

- Did he seem a little too cheerful?

He seemed like

his regular self to me...

...but when you brought up

the restaurant, the guy lit up.

The restaurant?

He sees himself as

Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.

I see him as Peter Lorre,

wringing his hands.

I mean, Mr. House. Didn't he seem

a little too cheerful to you?

- Our next-door widower?

- Yes.

I mean, didn't he seem too composed

for a man whose wife just died?

What do you want him to do?

Walk down the street sobbing?

All I know is they were supposedly

looking forward to their anniversary...

If I dropped dead, wouldn't

you sob for months or years...

Don't make those jokes.

I don't like them.

I'm the guy who needs

a physical checkup.

I don't know. To me he seemed

a little too perky. You know?

Suddenly, he wants his desserts and,

"Have a nice time at the opera. "

And, "We're certainly dressed up. "

This guy should be a wreck.

Right. Meanwhile, I can't get The Flying

Dutchman theme out of my mind.

Remind me tomorrow to buy all the Wagner

records in town and rent a chain saw.

Helen Dubin's wrong for Ted.

- She's mousy.

- He's a little mousy.

They can have rodent time

and eat cheese together.

Oh, Christ.

Hello?

Yes. Yes, yes, of course, you woke us.

Not everybody is up at 1:00 in the

morning watching porn. I'll put her on.

- Who is it?

- Ted. For you.

Ted, hi.

I figured out how he made it

look like a coronary.

He gagged her and tied her

to the treadmill...

...and turned it up to Olympic levels.

No, no. You know, I mean,

I just think this guy is too perky.

You know? I mean, he's not acting like

a man whose beloved of 28 years died...

Are you onto that?

I thought you were joking.

- I know.

- Let me speak to him.

What? Here.

Just a sec. Here's Larry.

Listen, she was not murdered.

It was a coronary, there was

a doctor there. He was an old man.

- Do you know he's a real doctor?

- I'm not gonna touch that.

I want to go to sleep.

Wait a minute.

Put Carol back on.

I called about something else.

Listen, I know a great location

for a restaurant.

Look at this.

Isn't this great?

- It's dark.

- Aren't these walls great?

- Like you go through a cave.

- I see.

- Then you come out to this.

- Look at this.

- It's beautiful.

- Isn't it great?

- It's out of the way for a restaurant.

- No. That's the appeal.

It's so romantic,

tucked away back here like this.

You don't want street trade.

You want a spot people hear about

and lovers go to.

- It takes months to get a reservation.

- You thought this out.

I came here with Julie

when we were married.

Used to walk around here.

- Really beautiful at night.

- I bet.

I'd think, "Why are we here?

We don't love each other. "

It made the moment doubly poignant.

Hi. How are you?

These are my "floating islands. "

I hope you like meringue.

- I love it. Come on in.

- Well, okay.

- Unbelievable.

- I know...

- Did you do this?

- I did.

I told you.

Anyway, this is vanilla sauce.

Come on in.

- I put chocolate truffles...

- Share it.

- She made these for you.

- It's too much.

- I'll make coffee.

- I'll make it.

- Let me make it.

- You've done so much.

I insist. Sit down. Relax.

Enjoy yourself.

- Aren't you nice.

- You've been through enough.

- How're you holding up?

- I don't know.

I was thinking after a while, I'd get

away. This place and its memories.

- You have someone to go with, or...?

- A brother in Florida.

I'm hoping he can get away.

Do you like snorkelling?

No. I get nervous when

brightly coloured fish stare at me.

- I've got stamps to show you.

- Stamps? Well.

Look at these.

Okay.

Coffee. Is that here?

- This is delicious. You are an artist.

- Well, thanks very much.

- Was it a large funeral?

- Oh, no.

- We had few friends. No family.

- Right. Just a simple affair.

- They're the best, aren't they?

- Yeah.

I guess. Anyway,

then you're laid to rest and...

You know, I was just...

Where are the twin cemetery plots?

We were thinking that that was just

such a romantic idea. Weren't we?

Remember when we talked about the twin

cemetery plots and how romantic that is?

- Remember?

- Yes. Yes. We were.

Spending eternity with the beloved.

- I sound like one of those guys.

- Yes.

Yeah, but I was just wondering,

where is the cemetery?

It's in Nyack.

We used to summer

there occasionally.

What was that

about twin cemetery plots?

I knew you were trying to tell me

something, so I picked up on it quickly.

I was in the kitchen making the coffee.

There were no beans,

so I was looking in his cupboards.

And I came across this urn, okay? And

I opened it and there were ashes in it.

- Ashes? Did you wash your hands?

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