Manhattan Murder Mystery Page #3

- He had her cremated!

How did you know it was her?

Did they resemble Mrs. House?

- Who else would it be?

- Anybody.

Could be a relative.

His accountant. His cat.

- Right. Hidden? Hidden away?

- What do you mean?

- The guy didn't do anything.

- All I know is, he lied. Okay? He lied.

Maybe he's embarrassed.

Maybe he didn't want to spend

eternity next to the beloved.

So he told us that.

You know, what's the difference?

- Who are you calling?

- Ted.

Jesus. Leave the guy alone.

He's a poor widower. He wants

to go on a vacation or something.

Yeah? Where? I know where.

Snorkelling, right?

So what? He has fun sitting

at the bottom of the water with squid.

I know. I know. What about this?

- What if they had a big insurance policy?

- Too much Double Indemnity.

Hi. Yeah. Hi, it's me.

We were just in our neighbour's

apartment, right?

Get this. I came across

an urn with ashes in it.

Only, he says he had his wife buried.

That's what you do

if you don't want an autopsy.

You don't want something discovered.

Like poison.

Right. They'd have detected poison,

wouldn't they?

I don't know.

There are a lot of exotic poisons.

But why would he lie?

Why would he lie at all?

You guys are slipping

into a mad obsession.

Would you do that?

I'm not good at that kind of thing.

All right. Okay. Well, I'll talk

to you later. Okay, bye.

- Could we go to bed now?

- I'm not tired.

- What do you mean?

- Ted's gonna call the funeral home.

I don't know why

you're not fascinated with this.

- We could be living next to a murderer.

- New York's a melting pot. Get used to it.

Oh, my God.

- Hey, are you okay?

- Larry. Larry, I heard a noise.

I heard a noise in the hall. I think

Mr. House was getting on the elevator.

- You sure?

- I'm almost certain it was him.

So what? It's not a crime.

He can get on the elevator.

- Who would at 1:30 a. m.?

- I was in a deep sleep.

What's the difference?

You know how we complain

about the geriatric floor? That joke?

So it was him. He got on the elevator.

It's not a felony. He's entitled.

Can you go back to bed?

This is crazy.

- I gotta get up early tomorrow.

- I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna ring his apartment,

see if he's home.

- Now?

- Yes, because this is...

- What?

- It's very sus...

- What are you doing? Don't ring...

- Don't!

Don't ring Mr. House. He's a widower.

Leave him alone. You're crazy. Stop!

- So you saw him. It's not a crime.

- He's not there.

- Give me this.

- What are you doing?

If you want to find out who left,

call downstairs.

- I'll call. Keep ringing.

- I'm gonna keep ringing.

What's gotten into you?

Where is this guy at 1:30 a. m.?

It's not your business.

He can go any place he wants.

Hello? Yes, hello.

This is Mrs. Lipton. Yes.

Did anybody just leave the building?

I'm just...

You're sure? You're sure no one...?

No, okay. All right. Yes. Thank you.

- Are you happy? Can we go to bed?

- I don't get it.

You're making a mystery

where nothing exists.

Okay, I got it. Wait. I know it.

No, wait. Listen to me. Larry, listen.

- He got on the elevator. Wait. Listen!

- I'm gonna go to sleep.

I don't want to stand here.

He got on the elevator

and took it to the basement.

- Great. So what? Now what've you got?

- He has a car and the garage key.

- He opened...

- So what? So what?

What do you mean, "So what?"

He went out in the night

and took his car someplace.

- All right. So I'm right, though.

- So you're right. So big deal.

This "right" is gonna put us

in the toilet.

- It says more about you than him.

- What about your rigidity?

- How about that point?

- Get into bed. What's wrong with you?

Hi.

Jack? Could you come upstairs today?

I got a leak in the kitchen.

- Well, yeah. Sure.

- Well, but it will be this afternoon?

- I'll be back in a minute.

- A minute.

- Wait a second. I'll be right back.

- Yeah, okay. All right.

Oh, God.

- Hello?

- Ted, I'm in his apartment.

The urn is missing. It's gone.

Yeah, I think it might have been.

He had this satchel last night.

That might have been what he had in it.

I'd get out of there if I were you.

No, no, no. Go.

We'll talk more from your apartment.

He's not going snorkelling

with his brother.

He's got two tickets to Paris and

reservations at the Georges V Hotel...

...with a woman named Helen Moss.

- Hi. How are you?

- How are you?

Good. You got the notice

on the maintenance increase?

When did that happen?

I'm gonna see what else I can dig up.

Yeah. I'm telling you, this is just...

I'm just dizzy with freedom.

This is the craziest thing

I've ever done.

Yes, it's crazy. But soon we'll be too

old to do anything crazy. Go. Leave.

Hello.

Oh, hi. Yeah.

I know, I...

Yes, I miss you too.

I did. I made all the arrangements.

Yeah, look, I...

Okay, I have to run.

But I'll see you later, okay?

Okay.

Extension five.

Keep ringing, would you please?

Because I just talked to her.

What?

Okay.

Would you tell her...?

Yes, tell her that Tom called.

Tom.

Thank you.

Your rewrites were great.

You helped your book. It's dense, but...

- I don't want it to be transparent...

- You'll never have to worry about that.

This book makes Finnegan's Wak e look

like airplane reading. But it's long...

You're the only editor I take suggestions

from, but you shouldn't push it.

I'm not pushing. The book

is absolutely great. You know, but...

How much of Dorothy is you?

As I read, I kept thinking,

how much did you base on your life?

Well, I was a waitress. I lived

with a poet. I was a film critic.

But not a blackjack dealer?

No, but I put myself through

school playing poker.

- Do you still play?

- No, but I still know how.

Yes? Are you good?

Maybe you could give me pointers.

I could turn your game around

in two hours.

Could you? That's great.

That's, you know...

You have all these skills and you're

beautiful and you can write well...

...and you play poker.

It's too good to be true.

- I wouldn't say beautiful.

- I would.

But I do have tremendous sex appeal.

Okay. You sold me.

Are you seeing anybody?

No. Don't let my confidence fool you.

It's a faade. Why do you ask?

I have a friend who became single recently,

and he would get a kick out of you.

So when do you want

your poker lessons?

Next week. I could take you to lunch.

We could...

I'll put you on my expense account and

you could teach me when to bet or fold.

- How about a cheeseburger right now?

- Now? That's a possibility.

You know, we could...

Hello?

Yes.

Where are you?

Is everything okay?

Really?

No, I could. Sure. I could.

Yeah. I need, you know,

five minutes or so. Okay.

Yes, I know where it is.

Okay, hold on.

I can't do it. My wife...

I have a thing I have to do.

I'll do the cheeseburger

with you next week.

Story of my life.

You snuck into his apartment?

Are you nuts?

- Stop being a fuddy-dud.

- A fuddy-dud?

What are you talking about?

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