Mardi Gras: Spring Break Page #3

What song is that?

Scottie, buddy, what do you want more

than anything else in this world?

Carmen Electra.

Let's not limit our sample size, okay?

Mike! Besides

a time machine and a shotgun,

what do you want the most?

Nothing? Not gonna help me? Okay.

'Cause I know what I want.

I wanna make my mark!

I want to rock the greatest party in the world!

I wanna make Mardi Gras my b*tch!

Look, giving up is not an option.

I say we stay!

I say we conquer!

I say, by midnight

Fat Tuesday, no matter what happens,

we're gonna be partying on one of those

sweet-ass Bourbon Street balconies!

How the hell are we gonna do that?

Are you with me?

I'll do anything to stop

the f***ing music, okay?

Mike, please, trust me.

I'm not gonna let you down.

I don't know, man.

I didn't want to have to do this.

Scottie, show him.

You taped it?

I had to.

You see what she's doing there?

You see that?

She's gonna be doing that

every day, every night,

and then again, all day tomorrow.

Especially this part.

What kind of pep talk is this?

Look at that smile on her face.

She's so content, she's so happy.

You need to have that smile.

It's 7:
00 a.m.

Where can we get a goddamn drink?

Bottoms up!

You're gonna get a disease.

Yeah, it's called alcoholism,

I should be so lucky.

Bump, maybe you should slow down.

Maybe you should start drinking.

That's disgusting. You're drinking garbage.

A quarter. I'm actually making money.

You're an imbecile.

Okay, prima donnas, you got a better

idea how to get drunk at 7:00 a. M?

I'd love to hear it.

Elitists!

Getting an early start, boys?

You guys are pussies!

They wouldn't drink the trash!

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Well, pussies, let's get your cat up.

House drinks.

Got to love the Hurricane.

Well, on some level, exposing

the flaws and capabilities of our emergency...

Scottie! The drink!

You'd think they'd change the name!

Hey! Where you going?

Alpha dog, Mike.

Leader of the pack.

If we're gonna be the guys on the balcony,

we gotta show this city what's what!

I'm gonna hustle the sh*t out of these guys

like Paul Newman and Woody Harrelson.

I'm pretty sure

they were never in a movie together.

You shitheads think you can play pool?

I'm like Harrelson, baby!

You should probably take it easy with these.

I had a rough night.

Why is this called the "Hand Grenade"?

Hey, welcome back!

You've been out cold for two hours!

- Two hours?

- Yeah!

People just left me here on the stool?

Actually, no, no, no, no. Check it out.

Oh, Jesus!

I need some air!

Hey, it's Mike!

Hey, everybody, Mike's up.

Erica?

How's your dead grandfather doing?

Oh, my God!

Wow! That's the best

pickup line I've heard all week.

Oh, my God.

This is... I'm so...

No, no, no, don't be.

So, what? I ask you about a dead relative

and then we just totally make out?

Mike. I need to borrow 1,000 bucks.

I can give you $18.

Close enough!

How do you do, madam?

Well, aren't you chivalrous!

I have no idea what that means, but yes.

It's quite long and big around, too.

So, I'm guessing

Mike's already told you about his girlfriend?

Bump, we literally just met.

No worries.

I'm pretty sure

she's not his girlfriend for much longer.

She lied to him,

and showed her tits to all of New Orleans.

Hey, don't you have a game to get to?

Yeah! Got these guys right where I want 'em!

For Joe-boy and Dante!

So, I hear your girlfriend lied and showed her

tits to all of New Orleans?

Where'd you hear that?

I'm sorry. That sucks.

Yeah, but I was asking for it.

Yeah, at Christmas

I hooked up with her sister.

Wow, really?

No! Actually I made a fruit salad.

And I took her nieces carolling.

Well, now it makes sense.

I mean, she's upset to find out you're gay.

Yeah. Some women

just don't appreciate a good gay man.

No, they don't. They definitely don't.

But you know, it could have been worse.

You could've found your boyfriend in

bed with his Russian Lit TA.

So...

I'm not actually gay.

Yeah, I was talking

about my boyfriend, genius.

Wow, you're slow!

I kinda like that in a man.

Ouch!

Anyways, my friends figure

Mardi Gras will cheer me up.

You know, getting drunk

and naked is the cure.

Well, in that case

my girlfriend's definitely on the mend.

Come on, we're going.

They're dragging me to the Frat House.

What's the Frat House?

Only the ultimate destination for incredible

bar contests and half-price beers.

Well, have a good time.

Thanks. Lucy. Mills.

- I'm... I'm...

- Mike.

Yep. I got it.

Those gentlemen

take the game of billiards very seriously.

What happened with your chick?

I don't know. She and her friends took off.

What? You blew it!

You do realise that entire conversation

was an l-wanna-potentially-

sit-on-your-face interview, right?

Really?

Well, what're you looking at me for?

I don't have any

business being in this conversation.

Mike! You've gotta snap out of it!

If Erica's gonna show her tits to everyone

and probably blow a bunch of dudes,

then there's no reason

for you to be turning down fine tail like that.

You need to have fun!

I need to shower.

Great idea!

You guys go find a room, get changed,

go put your game faces on,

I'll get us a bunch of chicks.

We'll meet up in an hour

and rock this town like a hurri...

Like a thunderstorm.

During Mardi Gras?

Yeah, right! Hey, Larry.

Now listen to what they just asked me.

Ask me again. Go on.

We were wondering...

All right, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let me get a straight face.

We were wondering...

No.

During Mardi Gras.

Hey, ask me again, come on.

Hey, are you the guys

that asked about the vacant room?

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Can you help us out?

That's really funny, douche bag.

Like eating fish in a barrel.

Ladies.

Let's see what we got here, huh?

Sir, may I take your order?

Give me a Party Platter.

After all, I do like to party.

Sir, the Party Platter

is recommended for groups of six or more.

- Lame Girl?

- D*ckhead?

What're you doing here?

So you like, live at Mardi Gras?

That's awesome!

As you can see, I've added to my collection.

If you see one that you like,

I definitely see two that I like.

Aren't you cute?

I remember my first beer, too.

I'll be right back with your order.

So!

I'm guessing three

beautiful ladies such as yourselves

could use someone

to show them a good time.

Hey, right?

Here you go.

Diet soda?

Tell you what.

If I polish

these babies off in five minutes or less,

you give me your number?

And how are either one

of those scenarios attractive to me?

They say these things are aphrodisiacs.

It's totally working, by the way.

The three of you

are giving me one hell of a giant boner.

Giant.

Wow. Still batting a thousand, Romeo.

Listen, Lame Girl, by Fat Tuesday

all the beautiful ladies in this city

are gonna be lining up

for a piece of Bartholomew T. Brown.

Look, I say this out of compassion.

Guys like you,

you come down here desperate for attention,

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