Maria Bamford: Old Baby Page #6

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Yeah.

You know, basically I decided to copyright

the entire human experience.

That's awesome, man.

I guess I just... I just don't...

I don't have that ambition in me anymore.

I don't know if it's the meds, but...

Like even before tonight's show,

I stared into the reflection

of my Diet Coke tallboy.

[audience laughing]

And I said, "Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, kid.

I wanna see 20 percent,

if not five.

[audience laughs]

'Cause you know what?

So what?

Who cares?

It doesn't even f***ing matter."

[audience laughs]

[rapidly gulping]

[gulping continues]

[laughing]

I was so scared of going

into a psychiatric institution,

I thought, what if somebody finds out?

Uh, this is what happened

if somebody finds out.

I was in there,

and, um, somebody came up and said,

"Hi,

I'm one of the therapists here.

Um. I know you.

Not personally,

but we have a friend in common,

Joe De La Rosa?

He's a comic out of New Jersey.

He's fantastic.

He does The Laugh Factory,

The Comedy Store.

I've never seen you there.

They're great clubs.

Have you ever tried to get in on there?

'Cause it just seems like,

there's just great crowds.

But, um...

anyways, I just,

I wanted to let you know

that this is totally confidential,

and I would never tell anyone."

Oh.

I'm in a county-stamped gown

and a pair of electric green gripper socks

that are not my own.

You tell whoever the f*** you want.

[cheering]

Because all is lost.

[audience laughing]

I had a dream come true, uh,

which I-I couldn't believe it.

Show business came to my

hometown of Duluth, Minnesota

and said the kinds of things

that show business does,

things like,

"This is amazing.

Oh, my God.

It's like a little San Francisco here.

It's like a freshwater Monaco.

Why have I never heard

of this Duluth, Minnesota?

We definitely have to shoot here.

We want to use local talent,

all local catering.

Let's start getting lists of people

who may be interested

in acting in a television series

in the area.

We'll see you next month."

And then what happened...

is nothing.

And, uh...

I was left...

I told my mom, and she was,

"Honey, but they came to supper twice,

and they said that I was very talented

and your father had a gift,

and that...

everyone at the lake could play a part."

Oh, Mother.

We just need to go to each

person and tell them

they've actually had one of the most

authentic show business experiences...

you can have.

Which...

is being given the full ghost.

Don't know what ghosting is?

That's when someone declares

their undying love for you,

and then disappears off

the face of the Earth.

Can't happen in a small town.

The person will just say,

"I see you over there."

[audience laughs]

I tried to explain to my mom

that show business is like having a friend

with a terrible drinking problem.

I love her so much.

She's so much fun

if you get her at right...

The just... the right time of...

"You're the most beautiful.

So, you're my best friend.

I love you, okay?

Only you.

It's just me and you, okay?

And literally loving you."

The next day,

she may have forgotten

about that of which we spoke.

I'm sorry, I don't know who you are.

This is hot dogs,

they're for principal talent only.

The background extras' hot dogs

are behind two warehouses

and a semi that's running.

They are the same exact hot dogs.

But they are 2,000 yards away

behind a truck that's on.

We live next to a frat house

and, uh...

it's just as funny as you think.

One night,

they were playing Sweet Home Alabama

uh, about 3:
30 a.m.

Which I did not realize

was still speaking to people.

And...

my husband pulled up his, uh,

pajama pants,

all the way up to his little beard.

I put on my t-shirt nightgown

with the long slit

that I got in 1994

from the Minneapolis St. Paul Airport

with the moose on it.

[audience laughs]

And we went on over there and said, "Hey.

You guys,

we don't have jobs, but come on."

[audience laughs and applause]

"Oh, so sorry.

You know, so sorry about the noise,

you guys.

Hey, come on, you guys.

Let's shut it down!

We're waking up the whole neighborhood.

Hey, so sorry about this, you know?

Normally, you know,

we're just like you guys, you know?

We're total nerds."

Wait, nobody said anything about nerds.

"Yeah, but it's our senior year,

so we're just really

trying to enjoy our house."

Oh, we get it.

Yeah, Scott's 52 and I'm 46.

This year we're gonna do it.

We're gonna try anal.

[audience laughing]

So if you hear any, "Yelps!"

It's just pleasure.

We're just trying to enjoy our house.

[audience laughs]

[applause]

We have a lot of sex.

A lot of fudging and wedging

and lotions and potions

and unguents and poultices,

jams and jellies.

Custards, mustards, sauces,

souses, and foam soups,

smoothing milks.

Hustle, bustle,

hustle, bustle, hustle, bustle.

Hammer, anvil, hammer,

anvil, hammer, anvil!

[audience laughing]

I have to say it,

I used to look down

on people with hobbies.

And, uh...

I was like,

"What are you doing over there

for no money?

You getting any cash

on the back end of this hiking deal?

This walk to nowhere?"

And then I looked down

at what I was always doing

very happily for fun and for free.

I was always filling out

a self-help manual of some kind.

I have not changed

discernibly in 25 years,

which means I've been playing a very long,

super fun game

of emotional Sudoku.

My husband and I

got a board going at home.

Your great-grandfather

was a violent alcoholic

who was in the army who beat his son,

who was a violent alcoholic

in the army who beat his son,

who was a violent alcoholic

in the marines who beat you.

You're not in the armed services at all.

You don't drink.

But you have PTSD so bad

that you think you can clench

your buttocks and fly the plane.

That part's done.

My great-grandmother had six kids

and then could never leave

her attic to raise them.

My grandmother died

in a fire of her own making.

My mother has 15 grand

in a secret savings account

just in case next time she goes manic

she wants to stay in a nice hotel.

I have this thing called Vaginismus.

Anytime something interesting

gets near my vago,

she slams shut!

And I gotta convince her to flower open

with juice and stories.

All we need is, uh...

two alcoholics, a suicide,

and a Seven,

and we could break for popcorn.

[audience laughs]

It's so much fun!

Have you ever read the work

of Dr. John and Judy Gottman?

They're family therapists.

You-you watch for the Four Horsemen

of the Apocalypse

in all of your relationships

without criticism, contempt,

defensiveness, and stonewalling.

So let's say your friend says,

"Hey, look at that sailboat!"

You say "Criticism."

That's a stupid sailboat. Contempt."

You and your f***ing sailboats!

F***.

Uh, defensiveness.

I'm not into sailboats,

I have nothing to do with sailboats!

Stonewalling.

[audience laughs]

And they gave us this magnet

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