Maria Bamford: Old Baby Page #7

---

that looks like a piece of flooring,

and you hand it to your partner

when you're done speaking and you say,

now you have the floor.

And...

It costs $900.

We got our pictures taken

with their cardboard cutout

'cause they couldn't be there.

And they've...

they've also gave us an acronym for love,

which is,

Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve.

It was so f***ing fun!

[audience laughs]

[applause]

Um, my husband and I do LARP.

We Live Action Role Play...

as our mothers.

[audience laughing]

Hey, Linda.

Listen, it's Marilyn.

I got myself a new purse

with my Hilton Honors Points

and I just, uh,

I thought of you.

Oh, Marilyn, I don't need a purse.

I got nothin' to put in one.

Nowhere to go.

Well, Linda,

you need to treat yourself.

You raised four beautiful children

through very difficult circumstances,

and you...

I had nothing to do with it.

They had a horrible childhood.

I'm amazed that they even survived.

Well, you know, Linda,

You know, the thing, kid,

the thing, yeah.

I... When...

I...

You never worked a day

in your life, Marilyn.

I worked for 40 years as a nurse.

I stood over men's deathbeds

as they begged for hand jobs

with their dying breath.

She actually says "Blowj*bs",

but please don't say

that because it's my mother.

Well, I gotta tell you,

once you give Maria a detail, you know?

It's kind of out of all of our hands.

[audience laughing]

Uh...

Linda, I get it, you know.

My husband Joel,

I'm a kept woman.

He's 75 years old,

but he still has his appetites, you know?

Sometimes I feel like I wear a diamond

solitaire necklace like a yoke.

Would you want to watch

one of my hundreds of DVDs

starring anything with Timothy Olyphant?

We could have some

chocolate-dipped strawberries

from Shari's Berries,

still cold from the Internet.

You can't sit next to me.

I don't like people.

Uh, listen, Linda.

I'll put my purse between us,

and we can pretend

we're in Delta economy comfort.

Give ourselves an upgrade.

We deserve it. [laughs]

[applause]

Sorry. Fine.

[laughs] So, it's rude.

This is more one-woman show territory.

[audience laughs]

[whispers] Apologies, apologies.

Okay, this is the scariest part

of the show.

I'm trying to believe in something,

and, uh...

I can't, there's something more,

more bigger

than myself,

and I just, I just can't,

I can't think of anything.

And, um...

But then I remember there's this game

that we used to play when we were kids,

and it's called One Big Blob.

What happens:
I'm it,

you run away from me,

frightened, afraid.

I begin running after you,

while chanting,

one big blob!

One big blob!

One big blob!

Eventually I end up catching one of you,

and it's gonna be you.

I got you.

Come on, take my hand, take my hand.

And now we both have to begin chanting.

One big blob!

One big blob!

Now you catch the person next to you.

I know.

One big blob!

And then we start catching each other.

Come on, you guys!

It takes a long time,

and a lot of effort.

Come on, everybody!

[all] One big blob!

Join hands.

[all] One big blob!

One big blob!

I'm gonna wait!

One big blob!

I don't want to do it, either.

One big blob!

One big blob!

One big blob!

One big blob!

I know it's weird.

One big blob!

You can do it!

One big blob!

One big blob!

One big blob!

One big blob!

That's great. Okay, now...

This is great.

Isn't it uncomfortable to be in the blob?

It's so awful!

Your hands are sweaty.

But you have to do it,

and we gotta stay together because

you have to catch the one outlier,

probably that guy who's going out

the back door,

the apparent winner, but is he?

Because he's alone.

He is alone.

And everyone must let themselves be caught

because otherwise the game will never end,

and it is a sh*t game.

Everybody just wants to play soccer,

a game of individual

achievement and glory.

So, um, anyways,

if we could just blob it on a few things.

Um...

I could hang a religion on that.

Anyways, that's my, that's what I love.

- Thank you so much for cooperating!

- [audience cheering]

That was amazing! That was fun!

One big blob.

I should have blobbed with you, Arnold.

I should have blobbed with you.

Thank you so much. Thank you!

Thank you so much!

Thank everybody on this flat,

and on the balcony!

Thank you so much. Thank you!

[chuckles]

I have one more song.

Please have your seats,

have your seats.

I have one more song, and, um...

I love music.

And, you know,

I'm not trained, uh, classically.

But, uh...

I've been working on some...

[mimics farting]

[farting rhythmically]

Oh, those are just fart noises.

[audience laughs]

Yes.

Yes, they are.

[mimics farting]

[mimics silent farts]

Oh, that's not music.

That's what they said about Stravinsky,

Philip Glass, the punks.

[mimics farting]

If this is my song,

how can I keep from singing?

[audience laughs]

[mimics farting]

[audience laughs]

The harshest criticism...

[mimics farting]

has come from fellow comics.

[farting continues]

Who said, "Jesus Christ, Maria.

Aren't you even writing anymore?"

[audience laughs]

[mimics farting]

[mimics farting]

[mimics farting]

[mimics silent farts]

[mimics farting]

[mimics farting]

[mimics farting]

No.

No, I am not.

[mimics farting]

Hmm, I just wrote that.

[laughs]

[laughing continues]

Do a serious face, serious face now.

Yeah!

That's good stuff.

[laughs]

He's so f***ing good at peek-a-boo,

you guys.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes