Mascots Page #10

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-Yeah.

And we get to spend

way more time together.

Yeah.

Uh, we hired Courtney.

- Yeah, you hired her.

- Yeah, I did. She's our nanny.

Yeah.

-You've got something on your nose.

-Oops.

-Sorry about that.

-What was that?

You got something on your nose, I think.

-Where? Here?

-Yeah.

You got it. Yeah.

You're good.

-You're welcome.

-Oh, sorry.

It's hard to thank people

when they hurt your face.

Oh! He's a little baby.

He's a little baby.

I'm a baby with an abusive mommy.

-Bad baby.

-Yeah.

She has Munchausen syndrome.

Help. Help!

But, you know, and that's

the kind of chemistry that we have now.

-Yeah, it's fun.

-And it's fun.

Hello, Miss B.

How are you?

After the competition,

we both decided to volunteer

at the retirement home for mascots.

-And I find it very rewarding, you know.

-Yeah.

I can use my dance,

and I can help heal people, really.

And I can move,

and they can watch me move,

and I see that they're movin'

through me and what I do.

I find it so peaceful, and I just--

I love old people, so...

I always have.

I love talking to them,

and I love being just quiet with them.

So I'm lovin' it.

And I feel so fulfilled, too,

because she's working on the insides

and I'm working on people's outsides.

I brought my nail art here,

to the seniors.

And, um... you know,

couple times a week,

I show up with my bottles of paint,

and my nail files and my brushes and...

You know, these seniors have,

like, gnarled up fingers like this.

Almost like a T. rex.

And they put their hands in my hands

and they open 'em up.

It's been an emotional day

'cause we lost someone today.

Steve Redington.

He was Randy the Elephant.

He was a great, great man.

You know,

Randy will always be alive.

'Cause, you know,

mascots, they don't die.

That's right. They don't.

They don't. They just, uh...

They just hang in a closet.

Yeah, 'cause they're-- It's an outfit.

It is. It's an outfit.

So much has changed

since the competition.

The biggest news being...

Ta-da!

-We done a little baby, didn't we?

-Yeah.

We done a girl baby.

The best sort of baby.

Like you, yes.

It's Daddy.

Well, what else has happened?

Oh, um...

I sold the butcher's...

and Sarah and I now run

a lovely little vegetarian caf in Purley.

-Posh.

-Ooh!

Excuse me. Purley.

Very posh, isn't it?

-Is Purley posh?

-We're posh.

I still eat meat...

obviously.

I'm not mental. I love meat.

But it's easier to prepare

vegetables than meat.

What else?

Sadly, I've had to hand the mantle

of Sid back to Dad.

He's always loved it more than I did.

And plus, I get out on top.

Quit while you're ahead.

Champion. Undefeated.

Best mascot in the world,

ever... that year.

It's been exciting, you know,

just to be celebrated...

and to be appreciated

for excellence in my field--

That's one piece of it,

and then the other piece is that it has

kicked open some doors for me.

I got a really great job

playing Jack the Plumber at trade shows

for a company that makes high-end rivets,

and it's enabled me to quit my job

as a real estate appraiser.

I make a third of the money,

but I'm 50% happier, so...

You do the math.

The gold would have been nice,

but... next year.

I think a lot of people say,

"The glass is half empty,"

and "The glass is half full,"

and for me, the glass is not half empty,

and the glass is not half full.

To me, the glass is full.

It's always full.

Sadly, my career in sports mascotry

was cut short due to an injury I sustained

when a pro wrestler came home

to find me involved in a very lewd act

with his wife and his sister.

But when I woke up in the emergency room,

I thought to myself,

"Tommy, is this it? Is this your life?

Are you at rock bottom?"

And that was when the nurse told me

that I also had syphilis.

Now, I didn't even know

that you could still get syphilis,

but you can.

And while I'm at it,

if you're a young lady

between the age of 48 and 68

in Manitoba, Canada,

you probably have it, too,

and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for your syphilis.

But as I lay there in the hospital bed,

nursing my shattered ribs

and my pulsating groin,

I looked up at the television,

and Highway to Heaven was on...

and Michael Landon stared back at me

through the screen as if to say,

"Tommy, become a bloody monk."

So I did...

and it's going well.

Strictly speaking,

I took a vow of silence.

But you know, f*** it.

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