Maskerade Page #3

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SUPER C*NT.

- NICE WORK.

- HI.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

- YOU LIKE THIS?

- I LOVE IT, MAN.

I'M GONNA BE OUT HERE

ALL THE TIME.

- WHAT DOWN PAYMEN DID YOU PUT DOWN ON THIS?

- I THOUGHT YOU, LIKE,

HATED ME OR SOMETHING.

- EVAN MADE US PROMISE.

HE WANTED IT TO BE

REALLY SPECIAL.

- YOU DID LOOK SO SAD YESTERDAY,

AND I FELT TERRIBLE.

I WAS GONNA TELL YOU

IF YOU STARTED CRYING.

- THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU.

- SO THIS IS IT, HUH?

- YEAH.

- IT'S REALLY CUTE.

IT'S, LIKE,

BED AND BREAKFASTY.

- FOR THE MANSON FAMILY.

- YOU'RE SUCH A B*TCH.

HEY, GUYS.

WHERE YOU GOING?

- AH, WE'RE GOING OVER

TO THE GRAVEYARD.

- THE GRAVEYARD?

THAT'S SO CREEPY.

- TOTALLY.

- OKAY, LET ME SHOW YOU

THE REST OF THE HOUSE.

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE

WHAT THEY LEFT BEHIND.

- DID THEY TELL YOU

HOW MANY ACRES THIS IS?

- IT'S ABOUT 40

GOING THAT WAY.

- DUDE, YOU SHOULD SET UP

A SHELTER:

FOR AGRICULTURAL RENTALS--

WRITE THE WHOLE PLACE OFF.

WHAT?

I STUDIED.

- IT'S NOT THAT MUCH

TO WRITE OFF, BUDDY.

I APPRECIATE IT.

- NOT EVERYTHING'S

AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY.

- I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN

ON A REAL VACATION?

- YEAH, THERE WAS THAT YOUNG

LEADERSHIP CONFERENCE IN BURMA.

- THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

IT DOESN'T COUN IF YOU HAVE TO BE THERE.

- HEY, CHECK OUT THIS STAFF

I FOUND.

- HOLY...

- CHECK THAT BABY OUT.

I THINK IT'S NATIVE AMERICAN.

- NATIVE AMERICAN?

WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, LIKE,

A FALCON HEAD OR SOMETHING?

- HEY, GET BACK HERE.

[eerie music]

- WHAT THE HELL?

- THIS IS BADASS.

- WHAT?

- THIS WASN'T ALL

DUG UP BEFORE.

- SO?

- THIS IS WHERE I FOUND

THE STAFF.

WHEN I PULLED IT OUT,

THERE WAS JUST A TINY HOLE.

THERE WAS A RAUNCHY

F***ING SMELL,

BUT IT WASN'T ALL DUG UP

LIKE THIS.

- WELL, SOMETIMES

WHEN I PULL IT OUT,

THERE'S A RAUNCHY SMELL TOO.

- YOU'RE F***ING DISGUSTING.

- I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

- MAYBE, LIKE, A GOPHER DID THIS

OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, ANIMALS ARE ATTRACTED

TO STRONG SMELLS.

- YEAH, REMEMBER

BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL

WHEN I BURIED THAT WEED

IN MOM'S ROSE GARDEN

AND MAGGIE DUG IT UP?

- I DO REMEMBER THAT.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY

I REMEMBER THAT?

'CAUSE THAT WAS MY WEED.

- NO, IT WASN'T.

WAS IT?

F***, I LEARNED MY LESSON.

NEVER HIDE THE KUSH

IN THE BUSH.

GO FOR BIG.

- HEY, LOOK.

DON'T TELL THE GIRLS ABOUT THIS,

ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T WANT TO GET THEM

ALL FREAKED OUT.

- ALL RIGHT.

MY LIPS ARE SEALED.

- OH, YEAH?

SO WERE ANNETTE'S.

- COME ON, DUDE.

THAT WAS A LONG-ASS TIME AGO.

SHE'S LIKE MY LITTLE SISTER NOW.

- SO YEAH, YOU WANT TO F***

YOUR LITTLE SISTER?

- YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

- I SAID "LIKE"

MY LITTLE SISTER.

JUST MEANS...

- SHUT UP.

THAT SHE'S SIMILAR

BUT NOT EXACTLY--

I'LL F*** YOUR LITTLE SISTER,

THOUGH.

- COME ON, MIKE.

- SHE'S GOT BIG TITS

FOR A 14-YEAR-OLD.

- WHAT?

- SHUT UP.

SHE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR.

[eerie music]

[car horn honks]

- PAINT'S HERE.

YOU GOT HERE FAST.

- I DON'T...

MIND GETTING OUT OF THE SHOP

IF I'VE GOT AN EXCUSE FOR IT.

- WELL, WE'RE HAPPY

TO BE YOUR EXCUSE.

- YEAH.

[laughter]

- MR. PECK?

[engine turns over]

HEY.

IS THERE SOMETHING I SHOULD KNOW

ABOUT THIS HOUSE?

GOSH.

- WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

- SOMETHING FREAKED HIM OUT.

SOMETHING REALLY SPOOKED HIM.

- NAH, HE'S JUST PISSED

HE LET THIS PLACE

SLIP THROUGH:

HIS DIRTY OLD FINGERS.

- I DON'T KNOW.

HE LOOKED PRETTY SCARED.

HERE, GIVE ME THAT.

THANKS.

THAT WAS SO WEIRD.

WHAT ARE YOU CARRYING?

NOTHING?

OF COURSE.

- HEY, JEN.

I BET I KNOW WHY HE WAS

ALL BITTER.

HE PROBABLY WANTED HIS HANDS

ON ALL THE ANTIQUES.

- ANTIQUES?

WHAT ANTIQUES?

- IT'S A GOLD MINE, BROTHER.

- STUPID FALCON HEAD.

- HAVEN'T CHECKED THIS OU REALLY YET.

- OH, MY GOD.

[chuckles]

OH, THIS HAS GOT TO BE

GOOD STUFF.

- GIVE ME THAT.

DUDE, YOU CAN'T DRINK

THIS STUFF.

THIS IS, LIKE, $1,000 BOTTLE

OF WINE.

- WHAT?

SHUT UP.

- YOU, MY FRIEND,

HAVE HIT THE BOOZE JACKPOT.

THESE REDNECKS GOT THEIR HANDS

ON SOME PRETTY F***ING RARE

FRENCH WINE.

THIS IS--

THIS DATES BACK TO...

F***,

WHEN LINCOLN WAS IN OFFICE.

- SH*T.

- OH, LOOK.

WE CAN DESIGN OUR OWN CLOTHES.

- OH, LOOK.

WE CAN HAVE TEA PARTIES TOO.

- MOST GIRLS LIKE TO DESIGN

THEIR OWN CLOTHES.

- WELL, I LIKE 10-YEAR-OLDS

IN CHINA TO SEW MINE.

[laughter]

- AND YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.

- YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:

HEAVEN FOR THE WEATHER,

HELL FOR THE COMPANY.

- [laughing]

SPEAKING OF HEAVEN AND HELL,

HOW'S IT GOING WITH YOU AND KEN?

- WELL...

- WELL?

- I JUST WEAR

THAT SLAVE LEIA COSTUME,

AND I GET ALL THE ATTENTION

I WANT.

- OH.

- I HAD A THOUGHT.

- MM-HMM.

- YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUN?

- NO.

- A LITTLE MIKE AND ANNETTE

ACTION.

- OOH, YEAH.

- NO!

- YEAH!

- YOU USED TO THINK HE WAS HOT.

- YEAH, WHEN WAS FIVE.

- AND YOU'RE NEWLY SINGLE.

AND--NO.

IT'LL BE FUN.

- HE HAS MORE HAIR ON HIS BACK

THAN HE HAS ON HIS HEAD.

- I KNOW, BUT THEN

YOU COULD JUST RUN

YOUR FINGERS THROUGH IT.

- A LITTLE TESTOSTERONE OVERDOSE

WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU.

- IT'S GOING TO BE

A LONG WEEKEND.

- I WOULD NOT BANG MIKE

TO SAVE HIS LIFE.

- 10 BUCKS SHE DOES.

- I'LL TAKE THAT ACTION.

- YOU ARE SO IMMATURE.

- BANG HIM,

AND I'LL SPLIT IT WITH YOU.

- OH!

EW!

- [sniffing]

OH.

- IT SMELLS LIKE SATAN'S BALLS

IN HERE.

[coughs]

I'M GONNA GO CHECK

ON THE GIRLS.

- P*SSY.

- YEAH, I THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGH

FOR ONE DAY TOO.

- COME ON, MAN.

NO. COME ON.

WE GOT TO GO BACK THERE.

THERE'S PROBABLY, LIKE,

A DIAMOND MINE IN THERE

OR SOMETHING.

- I DON'T EVEN THINK I HAVE

THE KEY FOR THIS.

YEAH, NO, I DON'T.

- WHAT?

FINE.

[tense music]

- [laughing]

OH, MY GOD!

THAT WAS F***ING PERFECT.

DUDE, YOU TWO WERE SO SCARED.

YOU ALMOST SHI EACH OTHER'S PANTS.

- F*** YOU.

- WHERE THE HELL

DID YOU GET THIS?

- I SAW IT WHEN I FIRST CAME IN.

I'VE BEEN WAITING

TO SCARE YOU GUYS WITH IT.

- [laughs mockingly]

- OH, SHUT UP.

THE ADRENALINE'S A RUSH.

YOU KNOW IT.

- YEAH, WELL, PAYBACK'S A B*TCH.

- KICK HIS ASS, DUDE.

- SPREAD 'EM.

HELP! HELP!

RAPE! RAPE!

- JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED.

- OKAY, LADIES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,

CHIC OR SHRIEK?

both:
SHRIEK.

- OH, WOW.

- HEY, THIS WOMAN IS WEARING

THAT DRESS.

CHECK THIS OUT.

- OH, WOW.

THAT'S SLIGHTLY CREEPY.

- NO, IT'S TOTALLY CREEPY.

- OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

YOU HAVE TO COME

CHECK OUT THIS TUB.

IT'S AWESOME.

- LOOK AT YOU GETTING COMFY.

- I CALL DIBS.

- OH, WELL, I BELIEVE

MY OWNING THE HOUSE

TRUMPS YOUR DIBS.

- OVER MY DEAD BODY.

- [laughs]

- GUYS, COME LOOK AT THIS.

THERE IS SO MUCH OF THIS.

- IS THAT STUFF REAL?

- WHO CARES?

THE COSTUME SET'S WORTH

A FORTUNE TOO THESE DAYS.

- HEY, JEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IS THIS TOO MUCH FOR ME?

JEN?

WHAT IS THAT?

- LOOKS LIKE

MRS. TUCKER'S DIARY.

LYDIA BEAUMONT,

WHOEVER THAT IS.

- FAMILY MEMBER MAYBE?

- YEAH.

- WHAT DOES IT SAY?

- CHECK THIS OUT.

"LEONARD'S CONDITION WORSENS

WITH EACH DAY.

"SINCE THE DAY MRS. TUCKER

CUT LEONARD'S SCALP,

"THE INFECTION HAS SPREAD FASTER

"THAN ANY MEDICINE OR PRAYER

CAN HOLD IT.

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