Mean Girls Page #4

Because she told me.

She tells everybody.

It's kind of cute, actually.

She's like a little girl. She, like,

writes all over her notebook,

"Mrs. Aaron Samuels."

And she made this T-shirt that says

"I heart Aaron"

and she wears it

under all her clothes.

- Oh, come on.

- Well, who can blame her?

I mean, you're gorgeous.

And OK, look, I'm not saying

she's a stalker,

but she saved

this Kleenex you used

and she said she's gonna do

some kind of African voodoo with it

to make you like her.

What?

This was it.

Regina said she would talk

to Aaron for me, and now she was.

I know she's kind of socially retarded

and weird, but she's my friend,

so just promise me

you won't make fun of her.

Of course I'm not gonna

make fun of her.

How could Janis hate Regina?

She was such a good...

Slut!

What are you doing?

You broke up with me.

That's crazy. Why would

I break up with you?

You're so hot.

That's a scary mask, bro.

I had never felt this feeling before.

I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

My stomach felt like it was

going to fall out my butt.

I had this lump in my throat like

after you dry-swallow a big pill.

I hated Regina. I hated her!

She took him back.

Regina took Aaron back.

- Oh, no, Cady.

- Why would she do that?

Because she's a life-ruiner.

She ruins people's lives.

When we were 13, she made

people sign this petition

- saying that Janis was...

- Damian! Please!

Look, she's not gonna get away

with this again, OK?

- We're gonna do something.

- We are?

Regina George is an evil dictator.

Now, how do you overthrow a dictator?

You cut off her resources.

Regina would be nothing without

her high-status man candy...

...technically good physique...

...and ignorant band of loyal followers.

Now, Cady, if we want this to work,

you are gonna have to keep hanging

out with them like nothing is wrong.

Can you do it?

I can do it.

OK, let's rock this b*tch.

Pretending like nothing was wrong

turned out to be surprisingly easy.

Regina wanted me to tell you that she

was trying to hook you up with Aaron,

but he was just interested

in getting her back.

And that's not Regina's fault.

- No, I know.

- OK, so you're not mad at Regina?

- God, no.

- Oh, OK, good.

Because Regina wanted me

to give you this.

It's called

the South Beach Fat Flush,

and all you drink is

cranberry juice for 72 hours.

This isn't even cranberry juice.

It's cranberry juice cocktail.

It's all sugar.

- I wanna lose 3 pounds.

- You're crazy.

Why do you wear your hair like that?

You hair looks so sexy pushed back.

Cady, will you please tell him

his hair looks sexy pushed back.

Regina was dangling Aaron

in front of me on purpose.

I knew how this would be

settled in the animal world.

But this was Girl World.

Your hair looks sexy pushed back.

And in Girl World,

all the fighting had to be sneaky.

All this cranberry juice

is making me break out.

Wait. I have this really good

skin stuff I'll bring you.

OK.

We kept our eyes open

for opportunities for sabotage.

Regina.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Your face smells like peppermint.

This is ass, you guys.

It's been a month, and all we've done

is make Regina's face smell like a foot.

I've been really busy with choir.

We gotta crack Gretchen Wieners.

We crack Gretchen,

and then we crack the lock

on Regina's whole dirty history.

- Say "crack" again.

- Crack.

- All right, let's reconvene tonight.

- I can't.

I have to go to Regina's

to practice for the talent show.

- We're doing a dance to this song...

- "Jingle Bell Rock."

You guys know that song?

Everybody in the English-speaking

world knows that song.

They do it every year.

Well, I have to learn it.

Go.

- Hey.

- Why were you talking to Janis lan?

I don't know, I mean, she's so weird.

She just, you know, came up to me

and started talking to me about crack.

She's so pathetic.

Let me tell you something

about Janis lan.

We were best friends

in middle school.

I know, right?

It's so embarrassing.

I don't even... Whatever.

So then in eighth grade, I started

going out with my first boyfriend,

Kyle, who was totally gorgeous,

but then he moved to Indiana.

And Janis was, like,

weirdly jealous of him.

Like, if I would blow her off

to hang out with Kyle,

she'd be like,

"Why didn't you call me back?"

And I'd be like, "Why are you

so obsessed with me?"

So then, for my birthday party,

which was an all-girls pool party,

I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you,

because I think you're a lesbian."

I mean, I couldn't

have a lesbian at my party.

There are gonna be girls there

in their bathing suits.

I mean, right?

She was a lesbian.

So then her mom called my mom

and started yelling at her.

It was so retarded.

And then she dropped out of school

because no one would talk to her.

When she came back

in the fall for high school,

all of her hair was cut off

and she was totally weird,

and now I guess she's on crack.

Oh, my God!

I love your skirt.

Where did you get it?

It was my mom's in the '80s.

Vintage. So adorable.

Thanks.

That is the ugliest F-ing skirt

I've ever seen.

Oh, my God, I love your bracelet.

Where did you get it?

So are you gonna send

any candy canes?

No. I don't send them,

I just get them.

So you better send me one, byotch.

Love you.

I was definitely sending her one.

I was gonna use three candy canes

to crack Gretchen Wieners.

Three, please.

"Why, Man, he doth bestride

the narrow world like a colossus"

might translate into

"Why is he so huge

and obnoxious?"

- Candy cane-grams!

- OK, hurry up.

Taylor Zimmerman?

Two for you.

Glenn Cocco?

Four for you, Glenn Cocco.

You go, Glenn Cocco.

And Cady Heron.

Do we have a Cady Heron here?

- It's Cady.

- Oh, Cady, here you go.

One for you. And none

for Gretchen Wieners. Bye.

Who's that from?

"Thanks for being such

a great friend. Love, Regina."

That's so sweet.

OK, back to Caesar.

Once Gretchen thought

Regina was mad at her,

the secrets started pouring out.

All I had to do was wait for one

we could use.

Thank you.

Welcome to the North Shore

High School winter talent show.

Let me hear you make some noise.

All right, settle down.

Our first act calls himself

a star on the rise.

Let's hear it for Damian.

Don't look at me.

Every day is so wonderful

I mean, why would Regina send

you guys candy canes and not me?

Maybe she forgot about you.

Yeah, Regina has been acting

kind of weird lately.

I mean, is something bothering her?

Well, I mean, her parents totally

don't sleep in the same bed anymore,

if that's what you mean.

Oh, my God.

Don't tell her I told you that.

I am beautiful in every single way

Yes, words can't bring me down

Yes, words can't bring me down

Don't you bring me down today

I mean, no offense,

but why would she send

you a candy cane?

She doesn't even

like you that much.

Maybe she feels weird around me

because I'm the only person

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