Mean Girls Page #5

that knows about her nose job.

Oh, my God.

Pretend you didn't hear that.

Yo, yo, yo

All you sucker MCs

Ain't got nothing on me

From my grades to my lines

You can't touch Kevin G

I'm a Mathlete

So nerd is inferred

but forget what you heard

I'm like James bond the Third

Shaken not stirred

I'm Kevin Gnapoor

The G is silent

When I sneak in your door

And make love to your woman

On the bathroom floor

I don't play it like Shaggy

You'll know it was me

because the next time you see her

She'll be like

- Kevin G!

- Thank you, Kevin, that's enough.

Happy holidays, everybody.

K.G. And the Power of Three.

That was something.

Does it bother you that they still

use your original choreography?

Shut up.

Damn.

- What?

- I'd rather see you out there

shaking that thing.

Gretchen, switch sides with Cady.

But I'm always on your left.

That was when there were three of us,

and now the tallest go in the middle.

But the whole dance

will be backwards.

I'm always on your left.

And right now you're getting

on my last nerve. Switch.

And finally,

please welcome to the stage

Santa's Helpers doing

"Jingle Bell Rock".

Jingle bell, jingle bell

Jingle bell rock

Jingle bells swing

And jingle bells ring

Snowing and blowing

Up bushels of fun

Now the jingle hop has begun

Jingle bell, jingle bell

Jingle bell rock

Jingle bells chime

In jingle bell time

Dancing and prancing

In Jingle bell Square

In the fr...

Jason?

What a bright time

It's the right time

To rock the night away

Jingle bell time

Is a swell time

To go riding in a one-horse sleigh

Giddyap jingle horse

Pick up your feet

Jingle around the clock

Mix and mingle in a jingling beat

That's the jingle bell

That's the jingle bell

That's the jingle bell rock

That was the best it ever went!

- That was awesome.

- Lip gloss.

- Hey, good job, Africa.

- Thanks.

Cady's blushing. Oh, my God.

- You totally have a crush on that guy.

- No, I don't.

That's why you wanted

to join the Mathletes.

Mathletes? You hate math.

Look how red she is.

You love him. And he totally

complimented you.

That is so fetch.

Gretchen, stop trying

to make "fetch" happen.

It's not going to happen.

"Why should Caesar get to stomp

around like a giant

"while the rest of us try not to get

smushed under his big feet?

"What's so great about Caesar?

"Brutus is just as cute as Caesar.

"OK, Brutus is just

as smart as Caesar.

"People totally like Brutus just

as much as they like Caesar.

"And when did it become

OK for one person

"to be the boss of everybody?

"Because that's not

what Rome is about!

"We should totally just stab Caesar!"

Gretchen Wieners had cracked.

OK, if you even knew how mean

she really is.

You know that I'm not allowed

to wear hoop earrings, right?

Yeah. Two years ago, she told me

that hoop earrings were her thing

and that I wasn't allowed

to wear them anymore.

And then for my Hanukkah,

my parents got me this pair

of really expensive white-gold hoops.

And I had to pretend

like I didn't even like them,

and it was so sad.

And you know she cheats on Aaron?

Yes. Every Thursday he thinks

she's doing SAT prep.

But really, she's hooking up with

Shane Oman in the projection room

above the auditorium,

and I never told anybody that,

because...

...l'm such a good friend.

Jackpot. Gretchen's secret

had put the plan back in motion.

After Christmas break,

we tried every Thursday

to help Aaron catch Regina

in the act.

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

My purse!

Looks like he's headed

for the projection room

above the auditorium!

Coach Carr?

Trang Pak?

Guys, why did we think

we could do this? We're amateurs.

Guys, why did we think

we could do this? We're amateurs.

No, we just have to regroup.

Think outside our box.

What are Klteen bars?

They're these weird

Swedish nutrition bars.

My mom used to give them to the kids

in Africa to help them gain weight.

They're these weird nutrition bars

my mom uses to lose weight.

Give me it.

It's all in, like, Swedish or something.

Yeah, you know, there's some

weird ingredient in them

that's not legal in the U.S. Yet.

- Ephedrine?

- No.

- Phentermine.

- No.

It burns carbs.

It just burns up all your carbs.

I really wanna lose 3 pounds.

Oh, my God,

what are you talking about?

You're so skinny.

Shut up.

The weird thing about

hanging out with Regina

was that I could hate her,

and at the same time,

I still wanted her to like me.

OK. You have really

good eyebrows.

- Thanks.

- Move.

Same with Gretchen.

The meaner Regina was to her,

the more Gretchen

tried to win Regina back.

She knew it was better to be

in The Plastics, hating life

than to not be in at all.

Because being with The Plastics

was like being famous.

People looked at you all the time,

and everybody

just knew stuff about you.

That new girl

moved here from Africa.

I saw Cady Heron wearing

Army pants and flip-flops,

so I bought Army pants

and flip-flops.

That Cady girl is hot.

She might even be hotter

than Regina George.

I hear Regina George

is dating Aaron Samuels again.

The two were seen canoodling

at Chris Eisel's Halloween party.

They've been inseparable ever since.

I was a woman possessed.

I spent about 80 percent

of my time talking about Regina.

And the other 20 percent

of the time,

I was praying for someone

else to bring her up

so I could talk about her more.

She's not even that good-looking

if you really look at her.

I don't know.

Now that's she's getting fatter,

she's got pretty big jugs.

I could hear people

getting bored with me.

But I couldn't stop. It just kept

coming up like word vomit.

I have this theory that if you cut all her

hair off, she'd look like a British man.

Yeah, I know.

You told me that one before.

Hey, I'm having an art show.

So why don't you take

a night off from your double life.

- I want you to see it.

- Coolness.

What is that smell?

Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.

You smell like a baby prostitute.

Thanks.

Meanwhile, I was finding any excuse

I could to talk to Aaron.

I don't get this.

Do you get any of this?

Nice job, Cady.

Kind of seems like you get it.

If I was gonna keep this going,

I was gonna have to really commit.

Not your best.

Damn, Africa, what happened?

- How'd you do?

- Not so good.

You know, I think I need a tutor.

I'll tutor you, if you ever wanna get

together after school or something.

Do you think Regina would mind?

No. You guys are friends.

Well, maybe we just won't tell her.

So, what did you get for this one?

Well, the first time I did it,

I got a zero.

- Wrong.

- But then when I checked it, I got...

...one.

- There you go.

I got one too.

Yeah, you have to check it

because sometimes the product

of two negative integers

is a positive number.

Yeah, like negative four

and negative six.

That's right. That's good.

Well, you're a good tutor.

Man, look, I... I can't do this.

- It's not fair to Regina.

- Why do you like her?

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