Meatballs Page #3

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I will twist that mofo, I will twist it

into his voice box, and rip that thing,

rip it out, and he'll talk like this

for the rest of his life.

I don't wanna hurt anyone.

I just want them to like me.

Why?

If you make one good friend a summer,

then you're doing pretty well.

Look, if you have trouble, come to me,

tell me, and I'll help you.

What's that? What is that?

Is that yes or no?

Yes is like this, and no is just

twisting, twisting, twisting. Okay?

- Well, it was yes.

- It was this one?

- Definitely?

- Yes, one of those.

You're positive it wasn't

a side-to-side one?

No, it wasn't one of those.

'Cause you could hurt your neck

doing that. Okay...

Have you got wheels?

'Cause I need a lift back to camp.

My folks won't let me drive

'cause they caught me drinking,

they just don't let me out of the house

any more, 'cause I'm a jerk, they said.

They're gonna send me

to military school.

You forgot something, Rudy.

Thanks for the fries.

Jesus!

- Christ, Hardware.

- You animal. What are you doing?

- I can't handle it.

- You mook, why don't you warn me

when you're gonna play

with your dynamite?

What are you doing, Hardware?

I'm hooking up this heavy-duty outlet

here for our new air conditioner.

- An air conditioner? That's great.

- That's right.

- Well, where is it?

- Morty's office. He loves the heat.

Okay.

An air conditioner just doesn't get up

and walk away.

- Any idea where it might be, Tripper?

- I have no idea.

- Maybe it was stolen, Morty.

- Of course, it was stolen,

but I'm gonna find it.

Will you two go over

the schedules, please?

Okay, ready?

Monday, Wednesday and Friday,

junior boys and junior girls.

Tuesday and Thursday,

Thursday and Friday, 4:00 to 5:00...

- Roxanne.

- What?

I have to tell you this as a friend.

I can see right down your blouse.

I can see everything, too.

Tripper, is there something

seriously wrong with you?

Roxanne, I have what doctors call

"very active glands".

You're the only person I've told,

my folks don't even know.

Well, maybe you can have surgery

without them knowing.

- Heck with surgery. Let's wrestle.

- No, let's not, okay, Tripper? No...

The atomic skull crusher.

Let's not do this. Okay, Tripper?

Let's just stop right now. Okay? Okay?

- Dip lock.

- What? Tripper, no.

- Shark-infested waters!

- No, don't do that, Tripper. No. No.

Tripper!

Let's stop now, okay? No, huh? Let's...

I'm sorry about that blouse thing,

but somebody had to tell you.

Tripper, get off of me right now,

or I start screaming.

Oh, at the count of three, I guess, huh?

One, two...

- Help!

- Help!

Help!

- Help me!

- No, please.

- Somebody, help!

- Let me get off.

Get off me! Morty!

- What the hell's going on here?

- Oh, Morty!

Morty. Morty. Morty.

She attacked me.

- Give me a break, Harrison, will you?

- She came at me like an animal.

Would you get a hold of yourself?

It's great. You can't even see it

from outside, because of the bushes.

Okay, this is it.

This is it.

Now, in five seconds, we're talking five,

we are gonna have

the coolest cabin in camp.

- All right.

- Sweet.

- Yes, sir. Thank you, Mickey.

- Yes!

All right, let's do it.

Let's do it. You ready?

- Are you ready?

- I'm ready.

All right.

- Five, four, three, two, one.

- Do it!

- Hardware?

- Yeah, Crockett.

You're a dick.

Okay, pit stop. Change the tires.

Not bad.

You got pretty good form.

It's real good, Rudy.

Really?

Yeah. Well, you know,

it's your first time out.

It's okay.

You wanna get into shape, though,

you gotta come out every morning

with me. I'll make you into an animal.

Top physical condition,

you gotta pay the price.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Attention campers.

Remember, this is killer bee season

in the North Woods,

so don't provoke

any flying yellow things,

you're just asking for trouble.

Hey, Crockett, I told Candace I was

gonna christen my boat, "The Candace",

and she just about had a heart attack.

I don't think she knew

how much in love we really were.

- Hey, Crockett, can you help me a sec?

- Sure, Candace.

Hurry up, come on.

What are you doing?

Crockett, this is the first time

I've ever kidnapped a guy.

- No kidding, huh?

- You'll be released unharmed.

I just want you long enough to tell you

that I'm really attracted to you.

- Yeah?

- Yeah!

I think I'm special, too.

Hell, you're the only one in this camp

that I really wanna spend time with!

- Really?

- Yeah!

Well, what about Lance Cashman then?

- Lance Cashman?

- Yeah, Lance.

Lance Cashman is a total jerk-off!

All right! She likes me! She likes me!

"Jerk-off"? I don't jerk off.

- I don't know how to do this.

- Just throw it up in the air, and hit it.

- I'm sorry. I...

- Why don't we serve?

Yeah...

Did you see the way she

handed you the racket? She wants it.

You guys ready? Here it comes.

- I got it. It's mine!

- Get it, get it!

Come on, lob it! Lob it! Try...

- I got it!

- I got it. I got it. I got...

- I thought you said you had it, meatball.

- Well, then, you serve, then.

Ready?

I got it, I got it, I got it! I'm gonna get it!

Attention. Here's an update

on tonight's dinner.

It was veal. I repeat, veal.

The winner of tonight's

mystery meat contest

is Jeffrey Corbin,

who guessed "some kind of beef".

Congratulations, Jeffrey. You just won

a brand new Chrysler Cordoba,

and you can pick it up at Morty's office.

You bet.

Five.

I'll see that five.

- Want a card?

- No.

I'll take one. Eight.

You shark! You're playing

some sort of system, aren't you?

You've been watching the cards,

marking the cards.

From the diaphragm. Let's see.

Oh, really? Really?

From the diaphragm.

That's not from the diaphragm. Ante up.

- What do you do in the off season?

- Go to school.

some sort of madman?

Is that what they teach you

in that school of yours, 20?

I'll see your 20.

I hope you walk out of here with nothing.

I think I like history the most.

It's fun to imagine that I'm

in some other time, in a different place.

Shut up and look at your cards.

Blackjack.

I've had it. That's it.

Card monster. Get out!

I think you're pretty tired. I think you

ought to go home and go to sleep.

- This was great.

- Well, yeah, this was great.

You're the guy walking home

with all the peanuts.

If I were walking home with the peanuts,

it'd be incredible, it'd be sensational.

Are you going to bed?

No, I've called

an organizational meeting

of the CITs

for a little bit later this evening.

No midgets allowed. Sorry.

Well, enough of

this playing for peanuts.

Tomorrow night we play

for real stakes, zucchini.

Children starving in India,

and you're walking around

with a whole sombrero full of peanuts.

I hope you sleep well.

Night, Tripper.

Attention all campers.

It's now 9:
30,

and that's lights-out time, 9:30,

as you know.

Tomorrow is Parents Day,

and you must look rested, or Morty

will be sent to the state penitentiary.

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