Meatballs Page #5

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Morty, nice team spirit.

I'll talk to you after the game, Tripper.

- How we doing?

- Late as usual, Morty.

Where were you, young man?

Okay, you guys, a little teamwork, now.

Yeah!

Beautiful.

Spaz! Get in. Spaz, hurry up!

This is the proudest moment

in North Star history!

Forget it, Spaz. They all want me.

You know,

Candace is sure looking good tonight.

So he offered me 200 bucks

to run the sailing program.

I said, "Forget it!" I mean, 200 bucks

doesn't even buy me a pair of shoes.

I mean, I'm the best.

Now the serious partying can begin.

- Okay.

- Hey.

Okay! Virgins on the right,

non-virgins on the left.

You fellows can divide them up

any way you like.

I got the virgins this time,

you had them last time.

Okay, you got them,

but I get them next time.

- Okay, buddy.

- Let's go. There's two right there.

Come on.

- Hi, Roxanne.

- Hi, Morty.

Really groovy tunes, eh?

Hi, Jackie. Hi, Wendy.

There's Jackie.

Why don't you go ask her to dance?

- No, that Wendy's driving me wild.

- Yeah, but Jackie wants it.

I have to talk with Roxanne

about a highly personal matter

about one of the campers.

Will you excuse us for a second?

- Yeah, well, I was...

- Yeah.

Is that a bra you're wearing, or are you

expecting an assassination attempt?

Are those Clorets in your pocket

or are you just glad to see me?

Okay. We're even. Three years of this.

I don't think I have many lines left.

Frankly, Roxanne, I'm frightened.

Oh, don't go human on me now, Trip.

I really like to dance.

It's the music, I guess. It starts my feet

tapping and I get all happy inside.

I guess it's just

something I was born with.

Kind of a birth defect, huh?

- Let's go get some air.

- I think not.

Well, I'm trying.

So, keep trying.

I gotta go change the record.

You can change the record,

but don't you change. Promise me?

I'll be waiting right here. Hurry!

Rush, darling! Rush, darling.

- You know something, A. L?

- What?

- This is a very serious moment.

- It is?

Don't you know what tonight is?

Tonight's our third anniversary.

- Three years ago, tonight, we met.

- Oh, that is serious.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. I forgot.

Happy anniversary.

You know, Wheels, for a jerk,

you're really a nice guy.

Well.

- Come on, let's dance.

- Oh, no.

- Come on!

- No, I don't know how.

One, two, three. Simple as that.

Come on, let's dance.

I'll lead, you follow.

Attention, campers.

Arts and crafts has been canceled

due to bad taste.

All junior girls are now junior boys.

And Nurse Omako says

that the raccoon fever epidemic

is officially over.

Hey, you on the water skis!

- I saw you dancing with Roxanne.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, she sort of cornered me,

and there was nothing I could do

without embarrassing her.

Do you like her?

Well, I feel sorry for her, you know?

She's got a glass eye.

And I'm one of the few people

who knows exactly which eye to look at

when they're talking to her,

so she's sort of fixated on me.

Well, I like her.

Well, you're not exactly

known for your taste.

I'll probably just use her

for the rest of the summer, and then

throw her on the scrap heap with all the

rest of the women that I've destroyed.

I have to go on this overnight.

I'm taking the CITs on

an overnight for the next couple of days,

so you're gonna have to

do your own training, son.

I want you to run two miles today,

and two and a half tomorrow.

I've never run that far.

Neither have I,

but somebody's gotta do it.

I can't be expected to do it.

Somebody's gotta do it,

and it can't be me,

because I'm too busy.

I have responsibilities.

I'm the entertainment director

for the overnight.

Come here.

Somebody's gotta make these PA

announcements for me while I'm gone.

Wake up. Lights out. Public Service.

Otherwise, I'm gonna get

in a lot of trouble.

- No.

- So, I'd appreciate it

- if you could help me out on this...

- No, Trip, I don't wanna

- do the announcement. No... Wear...

...and accept this nomination.

- Trip.

- Okay, now,

all you have to do is

turn on this power switch here.

- Everything will be hunky-dory, okay?

- No, Trip,

I don't wanna do the announcements.

Come on...

And you can start by telling

all the CITs to meet me

down at the boat dock immediamente.

I'll see you in a couple days.

Hey, remember,

run two miles, then two and a half,

and then run three or four

if I don't come back, all right?

- Problem?

- We don't have steering problems,

we've got manpower problems.

You're going too fast, Trip, slow down.

Oh, no, don't.

- Okay, Finkel.

- What?

- Paddle!

- Hey, you're splashing me!

Paddle!

- Nice and even backstroke, Hardware.

- Yes, sir.

Spaz, keep us in the sun.

I wanna even out my tan.

Look at that! Got it?

- Spaz!

- Hey, Spaz!

You love me, baby

But I love you and you love me

So let's just walla walla

Six to eight hours a day

Down by the mango tree

Dang it, you, dang it, you

Dang it, you said

I love you

If you love me

Come on, you know the words, Rocky!

I love me, so let's walla walla

Down by the mango tree

And I love you, if you love me

But you love you, and I love me

So let's walla walla

Down by the mango tree

Let's walla walla

Down by the mango tree

Have you kissed many guys?

- Does family count?

- No, like, I meant real guys.

Well, two. Only, one was a real creep.

How did the creep do it?

Spaz, what do you mean,

how did he do it?

No, like, I mean, did he ask you,

or did he just do it?

He just did it.

It's a weird moon.

The moon kills, you know.

It feeds off the earth.

On a night like this,

one of us could get up

in the middle of the night,

grab an ax,

and cut somebody's head off.

I remember a night like this

a few years ago.

A guy and a girl went out driving,

it was one of their first dates.

It started out kind of casual,

but they ended up deciding to go park,

not too far from here,

as a matter of fact.

While they're going at it,

listening to the radio,

all of a sudden,

a news bulletin broke in.

"A dangerous lunatic has escaped

"from the hospital for

the criminally insane at Two Pines."

Oh, come on, Trip.

They described him as a monster,

six-and-a-half-feet tall,

with one horrible distinguishing feature,

a sharpened stainless-steel hook

where his right hand used to be.

That was enough for the guy.

He slammed the car into gear,

floored it, bounced off a tree,

didn't stop

till they got to the girl's house.

Got out of his side,

walked around to hers.

There, hanging in the door,

covered with blood,

- was a stainless-steel hook.

- Oh!

The strangest part,

is that after all these years,

after the biggest manhunt

in Two Pines' history,

they never found the killer.

Some people say

he's still up here in the woods,

waiting for the chance to kill again.

And I say...

I say they're right!

- Hey, my dinner!

- Hey, listen, that's a bullshit story.

No, you guys, it's true. I heard it before.

- Yeah.

- Only, I heard it was on a beach.

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