Meet The Fockers Page #4

we explain all these people

to the Byrneses?

Honey, they're leaving.

The Byrneses won't know

they were here.

Okay. We agreed to be discreet

about you being

a sex therapist this weekend

until you got to know

Jack and Dina better. Right?

Don't worry. I'll be discreet.

I put all my toys away.

And my office is all ready

for them to sleep in.

Your office? No, no.

we're putting them upstairs.

Your father thought they'd be

more comfortable down here.

The upstairs plumbing...

You don't wanna know.

Talk to me about

something important, honey.

How are things

with you and Pam?

They're great.

Because, you know,

after two years,

you have to work

to keep things going.

Does she still

climax regularly?

Mom.

You can't talk that way

this weekend, okay?

Honey, I'm just saying

I didn't raise you

to be a so-so lover.

I know.

Okay, what is he doing?

What?

Don't... don't worry about them.

Mom, Mom,

you got to get these people

out of here now.

Okay.

Wipe that

little gloss off you.

Okay.

You hunt deer, Bernard?

What? No, I hate that thing.

Roz's father gave it to us.

He was into all that

macho-wacho crap.

Oh! So is Greg.

He and I went

duck-hunting together.

Didn't we, Greg? Hmm?

Duck-hunting?

Me and you?

Duck-hunting?

Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

What? What?

Gay, you went duck-hunting

with... with Jack?

Um, yeah. We went, we did.

We went

on a little hunting trip.

You shot a duck?

I shot at a duck and...

Mmm-hmm.

You killed an

innocent creature of the sky?

I don't... Did I...

I did... I don't...

I think

I might've clipped it or...

Never really checked.

Oh, Lord.

And now,

for the piece de resistance.

[gasping]

Oh, my goodness.

Little somethin'

I've been workin' on.

Oh, I see. Oh.

Mom will be out in a sec.

What's that?

It's you.

It's the Wall of Gaylord.

The Wall of Gaylord?

Isn't it nice to finally

display your accomplishments,

Son?

Honey, look

at all your awards.

That's great.

He's my champion.

Oh, I didn't know

they made ninth place

ribbons.

Oh, Jack, they got them

all the way up to 10th place.

Hey! Anybody want to

get a drink by the lagoon?

This one looks impressive.

"Mazel tov, Gaylord M. Focker.

World's Greatest Nurse."

[chuckling]

Very nice.

We've always tried

to instill a sense of self

in Gaylord

without being

too goal-oriented.

It's not about

winning or losing,

it's about passion.

We just want him

to love what he's doin'.

You know what I mean, Jack?

Not really, Bernard.

I think

a competitive drive

is the essential key

that makes America

the only remaining superpower

in the world today.

Well, whatever works.

Mmm-hmm.

(Roz)

All right.

Don't forget the positions.

Bye, Dr. Roz.

You're a lifesaver.

Oh, Thank you, BJ.

Goodbye.

Ira, remember,

easy on the thrusting.

You're not 78 anymore.

(lra)

Bing, bang, bong.

What... What kind of work

does your mother

do with those patients?

Those look like yoga mats.

Is there yoga involved?

It's yogaesque.

It's sort of, um,

a, um, a... a... a

couples therapy.

Kind of mind-body...

It's kind of

her own sort of...

Rozela! Sweetheart,

living room!

Hello! Hello! Hello!

How are you, baby girl?

Good, Roz.

God! Look at you,

you're glowing!

Oh, thank you.

Hi, I'm Roz Focker

you must be Jack,

and you must be Dina.

Hi.

l... I just can't believe

it's taken us

this long to meet, huh.

And who's

this little hairball?

They brought their grandson

Baby Jack along.

He's so adorable.

I could eat him up.

Bern, did you show them

where they're sleeping?

Right, right, right.

Because we don't

have any air-conditioning,

I made up a nice spot for you

in Roz's office 'cause it

gets the best breeze,

and it's very near

the communal commode.

Oh, well, you know,

actually, we're gonna

stay in our motor home.

In the trailer?

Come on, Jack.

You're family.

We sleep under the same roof.

Actually, Mom's office

is kind of cluttered.

So, that... that

works all right.

It's just really easier

with Little Jack.

No, no. Really.

We insist.

They wanna sleep

in the trailer,

let them sleep

in the trailer.

Mom, it's not actually...

It's not a trailer.

It's kind of like...

It's like a... like a

hotel on wheels.

This is practically a hotel.

I was gonna do

the turndown service...

I know, I know,

but it's their choice.

Wherever you feel

most comfortable is fine.

(Bernie)

It's not right.

Bern, let it go.

Let it go? Fine.

Yeah, let it go.

Look at you, sulking.

Now, look at this.

I married a teenager. Right?

At least you have the libido

of a teenager.

I gave her

a little matinee today...

Oh! Don't you dare!

Stop it!

[chuckling]

How about a double feature?

[laughing]

(Bernie)

Come on. Come on.

Lagoon? Why don't we go

show them the lagoon?

The lagoon.

Come see the lagoon.

The lagoon, Jack. Come on.

We'll get drunk,

we'll take a piss

in the lagoon.

(Bernie)

Roz, why don't you

take them outside?

Show them around.

I'll make a drink.

Oh, God.

(Greg)

Hey, Dad...

It's going good

so far, right?

Dad, you gotta take down

that weird shrine thing.

But I'm very proud

of you, Gaylord.

What's wrong with showing it?

It's ridiculous.

Most people aren't proud

of sixth place ribbons.

Most people?

Since when do you care

about most people?

I don't, but Jack

is really into winning

and competition and sports.

It's a whole other thing

with him.

Hey. Hey. You're a winner

up here and in here.

And that's all that matters.

Okay. Thank you.

I don't know what that means,

but thank you.

(Jack)

So, to solve that problem,

I created a life-like

latex left breast

molded from his mother's

actual left breast,

so this way LJ would avoid

any nipple confusion.

You're avoiding confusion

by strapping a boob on a man?

Well, yes, believe it or not,

it is less confusing

because of the texture

Mom.

...of the breast itself.

Uh, I guess it's very,

uh, creative.

It's very creative.

##[Bernie humming]

A little birdie told me

that one of our guests here

is a Tom Collins man.

[all laughing]

Oh, for pity's sake.

Isn't that nice, Jack?

That is nice. Thank you.

(Bernie)

All right. Wait. Don't drink.

I want to make a toast.

Now,

I had a vasectomy in 1974...

'73, honey.

You're right. '73.

So, unfortunately,

I never had the chance

to procreate a daughter,

but had I been able to,

I really

would've wanted a girl

as sensitive

and as intelligent

and as beautiful

as this young lady

sitting right here before us.

Thank you, Bernie.

And if I might add...

Greg.

Yeah.

I thought you had a sister?

Nope. No sister.

You said you had a sister.

You said

you milked your sister's cat.

(Bernie)

Okay, I'm not done yet.

What I'm trying to say is,

it's taken far too long

to do this, you know,

but we're finally

all together.

(Roz)

That's nice, honey.

Oh, thank you.

All right, that's enough.

L'chaim, everyone.

(all)

L'chaim!

L'ha-ha.

Like you have popcorn

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