Meet The Fockers Page #5

stuck in the throat. It's a...

Okay. To family.

[all laughing]

To family.

Oh! I forgot.

I want to say one more

thing about my vasectomy.

(Roz)

Sit down.

Honey,

get yourself over here.

I went overboard?

(Roz)

A little bit.

You're so cute,

they'll forgive you anything.

(Bernie)

God! You're so beautiful.

[whispering]

You are the sexiest woman

alive I know.

Mmm. You're just trying to

get me back into bed.

(Bernie)

Or the hammock.

[clearing throat]

This is

a delicious Tom Collins.

What I did,

I used real lemon juice.

It's from our trees here.

That's the secret.

He was squeezing

all afternoon.

Yeah. And, Jack,

I managed to make some

lemon juice, too.

[both laughing]

[gasping]

(Bernie)

Gay, you all right?

Honey, you okay?

Are you sure?

[frogs croaking]

Well, I think

that Roz and Bernie seem like

very nice people.

Oh! Very nice people.

A little off-color,

but very nice.

Oh! But isn't it

wonderful, Jack?

After all this buildup,

the kids

are finally getting married.

I feel so happy.

Wait a second.

I think he just spoke.

Little Jack,

were you about to speak?

[farts]

Nope,

just a little flatulence.

What were you saying, honey?

Nothing, dear.

Guys, where are you going?

We're checking out

Jack's macho-wacho trailer.

Yeah.

I want to see that boob.

Can I talk to you

for a sec?

Yeah.

Hey, listen,

don't let Moses go in there.

They have a cat.

Moses is perfectly trained...

Dad, he humps

everything that moves.

Honey,

he's like his father.

I never cheated on you.

They're not listening to me.

So, what's up?

They seem to be

getting along really well,

don't you think?

Yeah, they do. I know.

I kind of feel bad

that I worried so much.

Yeah. That was okay.

What's going on?

I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant?

Mmm-hmm.

I'm two weeks late.

I'm nauseous,

my b*obs hurt,

and I can smell everything.

You're gonna have a baby.

Yeah. A baby.

Oh, we're gonna

have a little baby, a baby.

I'm pregnant.

I just... I...

[laughing]

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t!

You realize your father

is going to kill me?

No, no, no, no, no.

He's not gonna find out

because we're

not going to tell him.

No, no, no, no, no.

Come on.

He's a human lie detector.

He lives to sniff out

stuff like this.

We'll get

through this weekend,

we'll get through tomorrow.

And... and... and we'll

tell them on Sunday

before we go.

Okay? We'll tell them all.

I just hate the idea

of keeping secrets

from your dad.

It's just one little secret.

Oh! Hi, neighbors.

Hello.

The Fockers, honey.

A la fancy-shmancy.

Welcome to the chateau.

No wonder they

don't want to sleep

in our sh*t box.

Look at this place.

[Moses barking]

l... I don't think the dog

is such a good idea.

Don't worry. Moses is more

of a lover than a fighter.

Jesus!

Moses!

He's always dreamt of me

having a white wedding.

You don't know how upset

he's gonna be.

No, I do know.

(Bernie)

Moses! Moses!

(Jack)

Jinxy!

(Greg)

Dad, I told you

to keep him out of the RV.

He said he

wanted to see the RV.

Dad!

Moses! Moses!

(Jack)

Get that goddamn dog

out of here!

Mo!

(Bernie)

Oh, God!

Dad!

[Moses whimpering]

(Greg)

Oh! Jinx.

Jinx, don't do it.

Jinxy, no.

Don't do it!

(all three)

No!

[whimpering]

Jesus! Moses! Hold on.

Moses, hold on.

I'm gonna save you!

The cat can flush?

Oh, my God!

[Little Jack wailing]

Get out of the way!

(Jack)

Hey! What the hell are

you doing? That's my toilet!

I got to get my dog!

Forget your dog.

What about my toilet?

Moses!

[grunts]

[yelling]

[sobbing]

(Pam)

No! Stop the baby!

Stop the baby!

[screaming]

[wailing continues]

(Bernie)

He's alive!

He's fine.

So much for the protection

of our rolling safe house.

Oh, honey, he was trying

to save his pet.

I mean, what if it was Jinxy

who got flushed

into a toilet?

Mr. Jinx has had

extensive aquatic training.

He would have known

exactly what to do

in the event of a submersion.

[purring]

[growling]

[clearing throat]

guys.

Sorry about

the trailer, Jack.

[whispering]

Muskrat.

It's okay, Bernard.

[growling]

There's no way

we're not telling him

this weekend.

I know.

That's what I was saying.

So, what do you wanna do?

I'm not sure.

I never thought

this'd be an issue.

I thought we'd be married

before we got pregnant.

Hey.

What?

Why don't we move

the wedding up to next month?

What?

Then we'll tell your dad

you got pregnant

on the honeymoon.

Oh, my God, yeah,

that could work.

Yeah. It's perfect,

right?

Yeah.

Okay. Good.

Just follow my lead.

Okay.

Okay.

##[humming]

Without further ado,

my famous Focker Fondue.

[all applauding]

Come on, dig in. Come on.

Get it while it's hot.

That is so impressive, Bernie.

Did you do that yourself?

Oh, sure.

Oh! I love to cook.

I can't even fry an egg.

(Bernie)

True.

I burn cornflakes.

I'm amazed

he finds the time to cook

with such a high-powered

legal career.

High-powered?

I wouldn't exactly call...

Uh-oh!

You kicked me.

Why did you kick me?

I kick... kicked you

because you're being modest

and you should tell people

that you are a good lawyer,

which he is,

a-a-and he has fought

some really big,

important legal battles.

Truth is, Jack,

when Gay was born,

I stopped practicing

and became

a stay-at-home dad.

Oh, believe me,

he won a trial or two

in his day.

Oh!

Extremely good trial lawyer.

A regular Clarence Darrow.

So Roz was

the primary breadwinner

and you didn't have a job?

(Pam)

Dad.

Honey, come on, you could say

he had the hardest job.

Oh, he's... he's just kidding.

Of course, I'm... Yes.

Why don't we jump into

the topic of the hour, hmm,

the big

Focker-Byrnes wedding.

Yes. Good.

I know we've been talking

about a... a fall wedding...

[Bernie speaking in Spanish]

[woman speaking in Spanish]

Is that Isabel?

Oh, yeah. Our former

housekeeper, Isabel.

You know, she has

her own catering business now,

isn't that great?

And... and I asked her

to come and help Bernie

in the kitchen this weekend.

You didn't tell me

she was here.

Gay had a monster crush

on her

when he was a teenager.

(Pam)

Really?

I didn't have

any monster crush.

You didn't tell me

about that.

Yeah. Because it's not true.

Oh, not true? Then I didn't

catch you doing baziga

to her passport photo

when you were, what, 13?

(Roz)

Honey, stop.

(Bernie)

I walk in the door...

(lsabel)

Where is he?

Oh, there's my baby!

Hey!

[laughs]

[both exclaiming]

Good to see you.

Mmm. Good to see you.

l... I haven't

seen you in years.

I know.

Mmm.

Yes, you...

Wow! Yeah. Look at you.

You look...

I know.

Yeah. You look...

I had a boob job.

Wow.

[cooing]

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey! This is, uh,

Dina and Jack Byrnes.

Mucho gusto.

Hi, Isabel.

Mucho gusto.

And this is Pam Byrnes,

my fiancee.

Encantada.

Nice to meet you, too.

Not yet married,

and already a little one?

And he is

a handsome little Focker.

[laughs]

See?

Oh, no. He's not a Focker.

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