Meet The Fockers Page #6

Yeah, no.

He's not mine.

And still you stayed

to raise her child?

Good for you.

No, he's Pam's nephew.

He has no connection

to Greg whatsoever.

[babbling]

[speaking in Spanish]

[babbling]

I love you, too.

Mama! Mama!

Mama!

[all laughing]

Little Jack, no.

Those aren't for you.

[mooing]

[babbling]

Oh.

Mom.

I think I'll take

him inside.

(Jack)

Good idea.

You're a very

lucky woman, Pam.

He's very special,

this one.

[laughing]

I think so, too.

Oh, I could tell you

some stories about him.

Really?

Oh, she's just

being silly.

Nice to meet you all.

Nice to meet you.

So sweet. Oh! So sweet.

[clears throat]

Hey, do you guys

want some more, uh, wine?

Mas vino por la mama, si.

Hey.

Hey, you did good, Greg.

She's very pretty,

this one, huh?

Yeah, she's, uh,

she's really great.

Really great.

Can you believe

it's been 15 years?

[speaking in Spanish]

So many wonderful memories

from those days.

Yes. Yes, lot of wonderful,

kind of private memories.

So, you never told

your fiancee about us, huh?

Um, no, I don't think I did.

I don't, I think,

I don't think it ever

came up on my end.

Not that I didn't

want her to know.

It just, never really...

Yeah, and not that, l... I mean,

not that it wasn't great.

It was really, you know,

for me it was like...

And you were so

helpful and... and...

Don't you worry, baby.

Your secret's safe with me.

Okay.

There's no secrets.

But, good, yeah,

maybe if we keep it quiet

this weekend and then...

Because, yeah, I don't want

Pam to feel uncomfortable.

And then later, when it's

the proper, you know, setting,

I can...

Okay, yeah, okay, good.

And, uh...

Good.

Oh, and fondue, fondue

is going... is goin' over.

Gay, you're just in time

to hear me tell the gang

how you lost

your virginity to Isabel.

[door closing]

(Bernie)

He was 19. A late bloomer.

You s-slept with Isabel?

We were relieved.

Why... why would you,

why... why would you

bring that up?

What's the problem?

It was, what, 15 years ago.

Honey, your father thought

that it'd be fun

to share stories

about our first time.

Really? That sounds like fun.

That's...

That's fine.

Come on, tell us how

you popped your cherry.

Come on.

I really don't feel

comfortable

discussing that

with you, Bernard.

You know what? I suggest that

we get back to talking

about the wedding.

Thank you, Bernie.

[Little Jack wailing]

What?

Mom, didn't you just take

Little Jack back to the room?

I'm monitoring him

from a high-powered

multidirectional microphone

planted in his crib.

Oh, baby monitors.

Hidden cameras.

Whatever happened

to a little thing

called privacy?

Bernie,

surveillance technology

has helped protect

a lot of the freedoms

that we as Americans

take advantage of today.

He's right.

It has been good.

S-son, that is bullcrap

in a chef's salad.

Jack, tell me one smart thing

the CLIA has done

and I'll give you

the deed to her house.

The CLIA?

The Central Lack

of Intelligence Agency.

[Bernie and Roz laughing]

[Little Jack wailing]

I think that baby might need

a couple of pulls

on that knocker

of yours, Jack.

[both laughing]

No, it's okay.

We're Ferberizing him.

You're what?

The Ferber method.

You let him cry it out.

This way he doesn't

depend on coddling.

On the other hand,

the Continuum Concept

shows that a baby benefits

more from constant

physical contact.

Oh.

We use the Ferber Method.

We used the Focker Method.

We hugged and kissed

that little prince

like there was no tomorrow.

We Fockerized him.

That's right.

Greggy practically slept

in our bed till he was 10.

Oh, my God!

Oh, I don't think

it was quite that long.

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't 10.

Nine-and-a-half, at least.

Mom, I don't think so.

I didn't sleep

in their bed all that time.

(Roz)

Bernie, get the photo album.

I'm one step ahead of you.

No, no, no,

we're eating dinner, come on.

These are the curls

from his first trip

to the barbershop.

Nobody wants to see this.

Oh, and you kept

all of his baby teeth.

Look at his

darling little teeth,

isn't that sweet?

Uh-oh, somebody looks

very grumpy there.

Oh, that's Gay with the mohel.

The mohel?

No.

(Roz)

He's the man who snips

the baby's little winkydink.

See, that's Greg getting

circumcised, right here.

We had the ceremony

at my parents' house

but there was a cold snap

and... Tell him.

The heater conked out.

Mom.

No matter how hard he tried,

the mohel couldn't coax

Greg's tiny little turtle

from its shell.

You know what?

Let's not talk about

the tiny turtle, okay?

Let's... Th-this is dinner.

Honey, half the people

at this table have penises.

Mom, control yourself.

Roz, he's right.

You're embarrassing him.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Make a long story short, Jack,

he wound up with a semicirc.

[giggling]

What's a semicirc?

I can't wait to hear this.

What? It's a cross between

an ant eater and...

A German Army helmet.

[all laughing]

But, honey... Oh!

You wanted to talk

about the wedding, right?

Don't tell me you kept

his umbilical cord.

Of course not,

that's Greg's foreskin.

All right, you know what?

That's it. That's... that's

enough humiliation.

Honey, stop.

We're having fun.

No, I'm not having fun.

Why deny us our memories?

Because we're done!

[all screaming]

[sizzling]

Anyone in the mood

for Chinese?

You told me

your first time

was with the Danish

transfer student

in high school.

Yeah, well, you weren't

exactly forthcoming

about your engagement

with Kevin.

Yeah, well,

he wasn't my babysitter.

Okay, I should have

told you, all right.

Can we just let

it go, please?

We both got

enough stuff to deal with

this weekend.

Oh, hi, Jack.

Hello, Greg.

[sighs]

Funny dinner, huh?

How do you mean?

I know that you are

studying my family

like the frozen caveman.

So, I just, I don't want

you to be worried, okay?

I mean, they're

a little quirky,

but they-they're

well-intentioned

and... and I think

they're just nervous and...

Greg, I am sure tomorrow

will be a better day.

(Bernie)

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I thought you

ordered room service.

Are you sure

you don't want

any whipped cream

with your sundae?

[Roz screaming]

(Roz)

Bern, stop it!

Who's Bern?

I'm Chad, the bellhop.

Oh, no, come on,

we did that last week.

Can't you be

Sam the carpet-cleaning man?

It's illogical.

Why would a carpet cleaner

have whipped cream?

Well, improvise, honey.

Good evening, miss.

I'm here to clean

your carpet.

[Bernie and Roz laughing]

Do you mind if I put some

foam down on your rug?

I don't mind at all.

Good night, Greg.

Okay, sleep well, Jack.

(Roz)

How long... how long have you

worked in this hotel?

It's time to put some snow

on your mountains.

Come on, I'm gonna get

some whipped cream

on those Tetons.

[Bernie and Roz laughing]

Guys!

(Roz)

Come back in the morning,

tootsie roll.

(Bernie)

Gay, you see

the cowboy hat on the door?

Cowboy hat is off the door!

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