Meet The Fockers Page #8

No, no, Mom,

you can't tell him.

Why not?

Because he

can't keep a secret.

You know that.

You think Jack knows?

Are you kidding?

That guy's in such denial,

he still thinks his daughter

is still a virgin.

Yeah, I know,

he's very old-fashioned.

That's why Pam

can't tell him

till after the wedding.

That is ridiculous.

Mom, it isn't, believe me.

You don't know him like I do.

Fine.

My lips are sealed.

I am so excited

and thrilled for you.

[laughing]

So happy for you two!

Did you plan this?

Uh, no,

it just sort of happened.

How did it happen?

How?

It just happened.

You know... you know

how it happens.

I mean, I'm not going

into the details.

Honey, I love details.

Sorry.

[mumbling]

All right. Okay.

Well, you know, honey,

many unplanned

pregnancies happen

because the man

is such a sexual dynamo

and the woman

craves his sperm

on an unconscious

but very powerful level.

Hmm-mmm. Mom,

I am truly not comfortable

having this

conversation with you.

No?

No.

I've been saying it

since I was 11.

All right.

Love you.

Love you, too.

Uh, Jack!

What say you and me

go into town?

I got a guy

who can fix your RV.

I'm in far too much

physical agony, Bernie.

Gee, I'm sorry,

but it'll be good

for you, you know, to,

you know,

to get out and about.

Yeah. Perfect. I can take

the girls shopping

in Coconut Grove.

Little Jack is on

a very specific

napping schedule.

I better stay here.

No, go. Greg can watch him.

Yeah, sure.

He has wonderful

parental instincts.

Dad,

Greg deals with little kids

in the ER all the time.

It's true. They don't call me

Barry Poppins for nothing.

[all laughing]

(Roz)

That's so cute.

Why would someone call you

Barry Poppins?

They wouldn't.

Now, remember, Greg,

we're Ferberizing him.

So unless it's an emergency,

under no circumstances

should you pick him up

or coddle him in any way

when he cries.

Hmm-mmm. Okay.

He's learning to self-soothe,

that means no television,

no unapproved toys,

and most of all,

no monkey business

of any kind.

Is that clear?

Mmm-hmm.

No monkey business.

Okay.

Jack.

Shall we get

a move on, pal-o-mino?

(Jack)

I'm ready.

I love this, Roz.

This is a great find.

Oh, good,

and it's loose,

so you can wear it even

if you gain a few pounds.

Isn't that lovely?

Honey, are you all right?

You look a little flushed.

Oh, it's just the heat.

It takes some getting used to.

I'm fine.

I'm going to try this on.

Thank you, Roz.

Now, madame,

let's find something sexy

for the momma to wear.

Look at this little number.

Whoa!

I think this will get

Jack's blood flowing.

Jack would have a coronary.

I thought so.

Oh, Dina, talk to me.

What's really going on

with that man?

He seems very uptight.

Jack's always been

a little wound up.

His job was very stressful.

Being a florist is stressful?

There's more to it

than people think.

Mmm-hmm.

If you don't mind me asking,

how is your sex life?

[laughs]

I can't tell you that.

What's the big deal?

I'm a professional.

Dina, I'm a sex therapist,

specializing in

senior sexuality.

I knew those

weren't yoga mats.

[both laughing]

We're not 25 any-anymore.

But you're not dead, either.

Lots of couples our age

lack intimacy

in their marriages.

I didn't say

we weren't intimate.

There are special occasions.

You know, anniversaries and...

Well, on our anniversary.

Ay-ya-yay.

Nicht gut.

I beg your pardon.

Not good.

I think that I can help

you and Jack reconnect.

How?

Well,

it all starts

with a little bit of, uh,

how shall I say,

intimate contact.

Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

My, that tingles.

Every pleasure in the body

can be stimulated

through the ears.

[moaning]

I'd give it a shot

with Jack tonight.

What's goin' on over here?

Nothing,

just having some girl talk.

Roz.

[Little Jack wailing]

[sighs]

[Little Jack

continues wailing]

Okay. Here's the deal, LJ.

I'm going to give you

a few minutes of attention.

But you have to promise

that you don't tell

Grandpa Jack anything, okay?

(Greg)

All right. Good.

[cooing]

Okay, I don't quite know

what that means,

but I'm going to trust you.

All right. Here we go.

Okay. Okay.

It's okay.

A little huggie-wuggie

never hurt anybody.

[yelping]

I know we aren't

supposed to watch TV

but we won't tell

Grandpa Jack, will we?

Oh, look, look, it's Elmo.

Do you like fishes?

You don't like fishes?

No. All right.

Okay.

Okay.

[sighing]

[doll squeaking]

[squeaking continues]

[panting]

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's see what pre-approved

genius toys Grandpa Jack has

in his big basket of fun. Mmm?

Oh, look, look,

it's a... it's a... an abacus.

Abacuses aren't that much fun,

are they?

I don't know

why people think they're fun.

Look at this! Look!

It's... it's bolts on a plank.

Hmm? Fun bolts.

No, not very fun.

Hey.

##[music playing]

A little birdie!

Look, he sings.

# And if that

mockingbird don't sing #

# Then Greg is going to

buy you a diamond ring #

# And if that

diamond ring gets sold #

# Greg's gonna feel

like a big a**hole ##

A**hole.

No, no, no, you don't want

to say that word.

We don't want to say that.

That's a bad word.

A**hole.

No, no, no.

##[music playing]

I thought this

was a repair shop.

Oh, this is better.

That's Isabel's son, Jorge.

he can fix anything.

Hey, Bernie.

[speaking in Spanish]

Yo! Georgie boy!

So, I think you got a tear

in the bilateral valve.

Genius.

[lsabel speaking in Spanish]

Jorge, what did I tell you?

No more tinkering

until you finish

your science homework.

Oh.

Uh, I was going to finish it

but, uh, Mr. Gerson

is out with, uh, rickets.

He said definitely don't do it

until his rickets

are... are cured.

And, you know,

l... l... I really...

Who knows if he's ever

telling the truth?

(lsabel)

Bernie,

I made chimichangas.

You guys want?

Have you ever known me

to turn down a chimi?

Jack, you in the mood, amigo?

No, thanks.

[birds chirping]

Why are you

looking at me funny?

l... l... I said...

Oh, no, no. You just look

like somebody I know.

No, no, no, no.

Tadpole. Tadpole.

Can you say tadpole?

Mad bull.

A**hole.

No, Jack's mole.

'Cause Jack has

a big mole on his face.

Is your father the mechanic?

Oh, l... I don't know,

I never met him.

Never met your dad, huh?

Oh, that's unfortunate.

But very interesting.

Mind if I take

a picture of you?

You know,

just for fun.

Okay.

[clicking]

# Mr. Moose likes to say

good words #

# He doesn't like

you to say bad words ##

A**hole.

[phone ringing]

Okay.

Just hang on a second there.

[sobbing]

[Litle Jack wailing]

Yeah.

Hello.

Hi, It's me.

How's it going

with the little one?

Horribly. He's crying

and screaming, and cursing.

(Roz)

That poor kid is desperate

for human contact.

Honey, you need to hold him,

and kiss him,

do whatever it takes.

I've been hugging him

in secret,

feeding him chocolates, too.

[TVplaying]

All animals have babies...

[chuckling]

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