Meet The Fockers Page #9

Say hello to my

little friend!

You know,

he's probably teething.

So put a dab of rum

in his milk.

And it'll ease the pain,

he'll go to sleep.

You want me to

give him a drink?

I'm talking,

less than a thimbleful.

(Roz)

You don't want Jack

coming home

to a screaming baby.

[giggling]

Listen to your mother.

Goodbye. I love you.

All right, Mom.

Hey, Little Jack,

I got a surprise for you.

Little Jack?

Mr. Moose is looking for you.

Oh, sh*t!

Where the hell did he go?

LJ!

Little Jack!

[Jinx meowing]

(Greg)

LJ! LJ!

Does that Jorge resemble

anyone you know?

No one I know.

Hmm.

There's something

you don't see every day.

[panting]

Focker!

Focker!

Okay. I know this looks bad,

but I can explain it.

What the hell happened?

I said no monkey business.

No.

There was no monkey business.

No monkey business?

You're wearing my breast,

Little Jack is drinking,

Moses is sodomizing Jinx,

and you're telling me

there's no monkey business?

What is going on here?

You all right, LJ?

Hello! We're home!

Hey, guys.

(Jack)

Give me the bottle.

What's happened

to Little Jack?

His hands are stuck

to the bottle of rum.

Thank you, Dad.

You bet they're stuck.

Greg, how did this happen?

And why are you

wearing antlers?

It's very complicated.

It's just a little glue.

He's fine.

He's not fine.

If he could use his hands,

he'd tell you himself.

All right. That's all right.

Come on.

Little Jack, honey,

are you okay?

Greg...

(Jack)

Dina. Pam.

(Pam)

Yes, Dad, uh... I'm coming.

Little Jack.

Honey, I said a thimble,

not a bottle.

Oh, Greg.

Hey.

[whispering]

How's the little guy doing?

[whispering]

Everything is

just as good as new.

Yeah.

Dad, come on.

(Roz)

Is he all right?

He's asleep.

I don't care if they

did call you Larry Poppins.

You are completely unfit

to handle a child.

It was Barry Poppins.

What kind of sick cocktail

were you gonna make

my grandson?

Jack, the baby's teething.

I told Greg to give him

some rum to ease the pain.

It was your idea?

Yes.

What is wrong

with you people?

I used to rub bourbon

on Denny's gums.

Yeah! Look what

happened to him.

Greg, you couldn't follow

a simple set of instructions?

Jack, he was screaming.

So I went in and gave him

a little attention. Okay?

He's learning to self-soothe.

These setbacks are disastrous

for his development.

The child is adorable,

but you're not raising

Little Buddha over here.

Mom.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that

I've seen that kid eat

at least 15 boogers

since he's been here

and I've got news for you,

Jack,

prodigies don't eat

their own boogers.

And I have news for you.

Prodigies don't come in

every time either.

Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.

I'm sorry.

I've never seen people

celebrate mediocrity

the way you do.

Because we love our son?

We hug our son?

Let's get down to it.

The truth is,

you're so concerned about

that Little Jack, but I think

that it's the

Little Jack in you

who's crying out for a hug.

The Little Jack in me?

Jack, you have issues.

I'm trying to understand

why you run around

with a rubber boob

strapped to your chest.

Were you ever breastfed?

Mom, stop.

Key question.

My guess is no.

Spare me

the drugstore psychology.

[all chattering]

Everybody! All right.

Everybody just...

Everybody just stop, okay?

Jack, I am not going

to make any excuses. Yes,

Little Jack wouldn't

stop crying

so I gave him some hugs

and I let him watch TV.

I went to answer the phone,

I was gone a second,

I came back in,

he let himself out

of the playpen,

he put on Scarface,

and he glued his hands

to the rum bottle. Okay?

That's it.

Oh. That's it

Greg just said, "That's it."

So I feel much better now.

Daddy, would you mind...

Please, Daddy. He made

an honest mistake. Let it go.

He's fine, Greg.

He's asleep.

[Little Jack mumbling]

He spoke.

(Little Jack)

A**hole.

What?

Did he say what

I am thinking?

I think he did.

Little Jack,

what did you just say?

A**hole.

His first word?

It just slipped

out of my mouth. l...

He has a mind like a sponge.

That's enough.

I'm calling

a family conference.

Oh, it's a great idea, Jack.

Let's finally get

your problems

out on the table.

No, no, I mean with

my own family. Excuse us.

I'd like to talk to

Pam and Dina in private.

Of course, of course,

take your time.

(Roz)

Come on, honey.

I'm not so sure

this wedding is

such a good idea.

To say the least,

I don't like what I'm seeing

from these Fockers.

What?

Has Greg ever mentioned

the name Jorge to you?

Jor...

I don't know

what you're talking about.

No, why?

Because I think

your fiance may have

a few skeletons in his closet

that he is not

telling you about.

And skeletons don't like

living in closets.

Oh, my God,

Here we go again.

Dad, listen,

you know,

Greg has no skeletons. Okay?

Oh, really?

He does not.

Do you know that?

Yes, I know that.

Will you just...

I'm not a child.

I see. She knows that.

This wedding will happen.

And the sooner

you accept that,

the better it's going

to be for all of us.

I can't talk to you.

No.

Wait a second, sweetheart.

And I'm not so sure Roz

is a yoga instructor, either.

Jack, you promised

that you'd behave yourself.

And what you said

to those people

was really hurtful.

I think you should go up there

and apologize.

I'm not going to apologize

to them.

Jack.

A little birdie told me

that somebody's going to

be a daddy.

Mom!

Sorry, honey,

but look at that face.

How could I keep it a secret?

He's so excited

about being a grandpa.

(Bernie)

What should he call me?

[both laughing]

How about Poppy?

You don't have

to have champagne, okay?

Why?

Jack's really angry.

I know he's mad,

but he's also

a little meshuggenah.

Come on, honey. How often do

we get to be grandparents?

We're having a toast.

Okay, fine,

but, Dad, this is a secret.

We can't tell Jack

till after we are married.

Why? We are honest people.

No! I can't stand

this secrecy anymore. Why?

[shushing]

Be quiet.

Why should we diminish our joy

just because they live

in denial?

[shushing]

Seriously.

I promised Pam, okay?

She thinks

it'll break his heart

if he finds out.

I'm not gonna take a drink.

(Roz)

Your father's right.

This is the 21st century!

Married or not,

there's no shame

in fatherhood!

This is

the fruit of your loins.

(Bernie)

That is so beautiful.

Say that to him again.

(Roz)

This is

the fruit of your loins!

This is

the fruit of your loins!

(Bernie)

Okay. Let's toast

and let's make a sandwich,

and Mom wants

to be the cheese.

[gasps]

Jack Byrnes,

what are you doing?

[groaning]

What did you do?

You okay there, Jacko?

What's the matter

What happened?

[moaning]

I was, uh, coming to apologize

and my back went into spasm.

It's very tender from that

horrific football accident.

Yeah, I feel it.

My God, you're knotted

like a pretzel.

You must be

in a lot of pain, huh?

I don't mind pain.

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