Meet the Parents Page #8

Well, it wasn't intentional.

l was...chasing Jinx...

l had a smoke,

and l think l lit something...

l don't know. He put so much...

goddam lacquer on that thing.

lt was an accident waiting to happen!

This is very disappointing, Greg.

Get out of my house, Focker,

and take your friend with you.

So you lied about everything?

The cat, the fire...

- The MCATs...

- l didn't lie about the MCATs.

Pam, don't you see?

Your dad has turned you against me!

l didn't turn her against you.

You did that.

Jack, you didn't like me

from the second l walked in here!

l'm a very accepting person, Focker.

All l ask for is honesty.

You want honesty?

You wanna talk about

truth and honesty?

OK, let's talk a little operation...

Ko Samui...

- Jack.

- What's he talking about, Dad?

l thought there weren't any secrets

inside the Circle of Trust.

- l don't know what you mean.

- You don't, huh?

Cat got your tongue?

Pam, Daddy's planning

a covert operation in Thailand

for the day after the wedding.

You are?

Round and round we go, Jack.

They'd love to hear about

your rendezvous in the parking lot,

where the guy gave you

the passports and documents?

Or your little phone call in Thai?

(Scoffs ) Jack can't talk Thai.

Oh, no, Dina, Jack can talk Thai.

Jack talks Thai very well.

l'm sorry, Pam,

but your dad is not retired.

He's still very much in the ClA.

Daddy?

He...he's right. He's right.

l...l... My...my cover's blown.

l...l am planning a secret operation

the day after the wedding.

What?

A surprise honeymoon for Deb and Bob.

You stupid son of a b*tch!

You just blew it!

What?

Ko Samui's an island

off the coast of Thailand!

That guy in the parking lot

is my travel agent!

He was giving me their visas!

Wow, Thailand.

Thanks a lot, JB. That's some...

Don't mention it. l just...

You know, if nursing doesn't work

out, you have a career in espionage.

(Sniggers )

Thanks, Greg.

Well, l guess l'm gonna

go to the airport now.

l guess you're gonna stay here?

Pam, l...

lt's OK. lt's OK.

Gaylord M. Focker?

"Gaylord"?

Yeah, that's me.

- l thought your name was Greg?

- lt is.

- That's not on the form.

- lt's my legal name,

since l was in third grade.

(Sniggering)

(Courier) Whatever.

Wait, wait, wait.

Your name's Gay Focker?

(Laughter)

- Denny.

- l'm sorry. l'm sorry.

lt's not a normal name, you know?

You're in luck. There is room...

(Typing)

And without a Saturday stay-over

that fare difference will be

$1,137 and 11 cents.

- Did you want me to book this seat?

- OK. All right.

- (Typing)

- Did you want to check any bags?

We should be all right

with only one usher.

l'm not so sure, Jack.

Thought you might like to see this.

- How did you get this?

- l have my sources too.

l called Gaylord -

AKA Greg's parents in Detroit.

They saved his SATs, too,

in case you're interested.

Oh, honey, it doesn't matter

if he did well in some test.

Look at this! He almost destroyed

the wedding because he lied!

l love you, Daddy...

but you can be a real jerk sometimes.

So what if he took the MCATs?

He's still not good enough for Pam.

Who is, Jack?

Nobody has ever been good enough

for your Pam.

l mean, do you realise that you

never even warmed up to Kevin

until she broke up with him?

Maybe it's time to think

about what Pam wants.

Greg, it's me.

l'm sure you're in the air by now,

so, um, l guess you'll get this

when you get home.

Um...

Listen, l am so sorry.

l acted like

a complete idiot, and...

And l hope that you can forgive me.

l mean, l...l don't care about...

the fire or the cat or...

l mean, l can't believe you

actually...spray-painted a cat...

lt's actually really gross.

But the point is that...

that l understand

why you did it, and...

and l love you.

l want you to know that l really,

l really, really love you and...

So when you get this,

will you please call me?

OK, bye.

l need a commercial flight lD scan.

New York, La Guardia to Chicago.

Four-hour sweeps,

last name Foxtrot-Oscar-

Charlie-Kilo-Echo-Romeo,

first name Golf-Alpha-Yankee...

'Gaylord Focker, Atlantic American

flight 27. Departs 2:35.'

- 2:
35?

- 'Affirmative.'

23 minutes. Thanks.

(Clerk) Enjoy your flight.

Hello.

Sorry, we're only boarding rows

nine and above. You'll have to wait.

l'm in row eight.

Please step aside, sir.

lt's one row. ls it OK if l...?

We'll call your row momentarily.

Step aside, sir.

Hm.

(Through PA) Thank you for waiting.

We're now boarding all rows, please.

All remaining rows.

Oh. Hello.

Mm-hm. Enjoy your flight.

(Horns honking)

Excuse me.

OK, where's the fire, huh?

- Sir, you'll have to check that.

- l got it.

- No, sorry, that bag won't fit.

- l'm not checking my bag.

Don't raise your voice, sir.

l'm not raising my voice.

This would be raising my voice!

l don't wanna check my bag.

And your airline,

you suck at checking bags.

l did that once and you lost it,

and everything screwed up for me.

l assure you your bag will be placed

safely below with the other luggage.

Oh, yeah? How do you know

my bag is safe below?

Are you gonna take my bag

and put it there?

Are you gonna go with the guys with

the earmuffs and put it there?

- No.

- OK, then shut your pie hole

and listen to me when l say

that l am finished with the

checking-of-the-bags conversation!

Sir, if a bag is this large...

OK, you know what? Get your

grubby little paws off of my bag!

lt's not like l have a bomb

to blow up the plane.

l just want to stow my bag

according to regulations!

Sir! Sir!

lf you would take the sticks

out of your head you would see

that all l have to do

is do what l wanna do,

and all l wanna do is hold on

to my bag and not listen to you.

The only way l would let go

would be if you tried to pry it

from my dead, lifeless fingers, OK?

lf you can get it from my

kung-fu grip, then you can have it.

Otherwise, step off, b*tch!

(Gasps )

Get off of me! Get off of me!

Keep your... Agh!

Hey! You can't leave

your vehicle unattended!

So tow it.

You threatened that stewardess.

l was just trying to get my bag

into the overhead storage thing!

- You threatened her with a bomb!

- l said l didn't have a bomb!

- You said bomb.

- l said l didn't have a bomb.

- You said bomb on an aeroplane

- What's wrong with that?

You can't say "bomb" on aeroplanes.

Bomb, bomb, bomb.

Bomb, bomb, bomb-bomb.

Bomb bo-bo-bomb

bo-bom-bom-bo-bomb!!

- Arrest me!

- Assaulting an...

What if l was a bombardier?

Norm.

Take five. We got a specialist.

Bye, Norm.

Oh, sh*t. How'd you get here?

l'm everywhere, Focker.

- l didn't do anything, Jack.

- Yeah, l know.

Then tell these guys

that l'm not a terrorist.

l'm not telling anyone anything

until you answer some questions.

Unless you wanna go to prison,

you better tell me the truth.

No more lies, understand?

No more lies.

- Did you do this?

- Answer the question.

- Did you get me taken off the plane?

- Put your hands over there.

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