Meet the Patels Page #3

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and here I am looking

for an Indian girl,

who's Gujarati, and

Patel more specifically.

- And single.

- And female, by the way,

and all these other normal things

that people look for,

cute, smart, funny.

And she has to love you.

She has to love me,

I have to love her,

we have to find each other.

- I mean, there's a lot of odds stacked against me.

- Right.

And then here Dad was saying, "Trust me,

"this is gonna work," and

I was like, ya know what?

- Maybe, maybe I'm being close-minded.

- Right.

This system has worked

for so many people...

People that are like me.

I'm so happy!

Little punk.

Dashing through the snow

In a one-horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we

go Laughing all the way

Bells on bob-tail

ring Making spirits bright

What fun it is to ride and

sing a sleighing song tonight

National Lampoon Comedy Radio

XM 154, back in the studio,

uh, people aren't normally

invited back so quickly

but I... I love him, I do,

uh Ravi Patel, welcome back.

I have missed you so.

You're first generation?

I'm first generation,

you know, it's a generally strict culture,

specifically the kind of Indian

that I am, which is Gujarati.

I'd say about 50% of the

Indians that you meet in America

are Gujarati, Patels, Patel's a very com...

There are... I know a lot of Patels.

Yeah, Patel's very common,

- like, my name, Ravi Patel is like John Smith.

- Right!

Patels are hardcore, and

there's so many of you.

They're useless vegetarians,

you're physically small humans.

The first word that

came to mind was "cheap."

Patels own motels or own hotels

or, you know, 7-Elevens.

If I pay to stay somewhere,

it's purely as a result of me

not making enough phone calls.

You know, it's really like

Gujarati people in America are

often the working class

in India that came over.

I came to America actually in December '67.

When our children came to a marriage age,

there was a need for

some kind of matchmaking,

girl to a boy.

This book gives the names and addresses

of all the 24 villages.

- And these are all Patels! All Patels.

- Oh yeah. All Patels.

Problem is, all the Patels who came,

they are spread all over

50 states in America.

How do you still follow the same system

that was workable back

home in the small area

but not workable here

because of the geographic,

you know, the distance.

So what happened?

What happened is they

invented the bio-data.

The bio-data is a sheet

of paper, like a resume,

that the parents pass around

to help them make

an informed decision

when they're making matches.

Nobody writes their own bio-data.

It's done by committee

and it's a very rosy picture of yourself

that really isn't you.

I never gave my mom an

actual physical bio-data,

I refused, I was like,

I'm not going to resume

myself out on a piece of paper,

and she's like, "Give me a resume,"

and so I sent her my work resume.

I've never seen mine,

I've never, 'cause I

just don't want to know.

I go to a wedding and I run into this lady.

She's like, "Oh, my God,

come sit down next to me,

"you are just... you're so wonderful,

"and gosh, you know, had your dad

"sent a better picture of you,

"you could have been

my daughter-in-law."

And I'm like...

Here's what's on my bio-data,

date of birth, height, weight,

occupation, education, hobbies,

and then there's stuff

I have no interest in,

like parent's location

and work history,

sibling location and work history,

horoscope, caste, skin complexion,

there's "wheatish brown,"

I think I've seen "almond brown."

It's like the lighter you are,

the more attractive you are.

They talk about the homely,

wheatish complexion girl,

I mean, it's a running joke.

Well, one, the word homely is used wrong.

Hey, Hasmukh, what's up?

Listen, got your daughter's bio-data,

oh, great job, I mean, PhD. Really?

Okay, see, here's the thing.

Um, Raj is more of a wheatish brown,

he's just, yeah, he's just had a good life,

and we've kept him out

of the sun on purpose.

So good to talk to you,

and good luck with that

dark daughter of yours...

Congrats again on the PhD, great job.

So after I gave Mom

and Dad my bio-data,

they could officially release

it into the marketplace.

Within weeks, my bio-data

was in the hands of uncles,

aunts, family friends

and complete strangers.

Now while my bio-data

was circulating out there

in the marketplace, Mom and Dad

were simultaneously receiving

other people's bio-datas.

Then what they do is filter

them based on what type of women

they think would be

a good fit for me.

Looks good, so I'm going to

forward this to Ravi, okay?

And by the end of January,

I got my first batch of bio-datas.

Dad sent me 20 bio-datas,

so basically, 20 pictures and resumes

of matrimonial candidates,

which is totally normal. Right?

This is the one I like the most,

she's 28, she's 5'4", 124 pounds...

Is she getting one of these of you?

I would imagine, yeah.

And can she also veto

or give the thumbs-up?

Yeah, this is her preferences,

oh, they have a preferences

section at the bottom.

- Ooh!

- "Hindu, Gujarati speaking,

"must have moderate family

and religious values.

"Preferences:
Academic

or professional career."

I don't know how I got this.

Now, phone-call phase is,

it's straight up cold-calling,

"Hey, my name is Ravi,

"my mother Champa

gave me your bio-data,

"which was given to her by Kokila-bhen

"who was given to her by Mahendra-bhai

"who happens to be your uncle, I think."

I love that I get to watch this.

This is so weird.

I mean, wait, so when I'm talking to you

during the date at some point,

I'm gonna talk to you, right?

No, why would you talk

to me during the date?

- Just pretend you're not there the whole time?

- Yeah! What, Ravi...

That's how this is done, I'm supposed

to pretend like you're not there.

You're just having a date,

I'm just filming. This whole...

That's not "just anything," that's weird.

That's just weird.

I'm a little nervous, this

is like uh, really weird.

- I'm nervous too, okay, you're not the only one.

- Okay, good.

Do you want a drink, by the way?

- Are you gonna get one?

- Yeah.

Like, I've played a doctor like, 30 times.

- Really? Typical.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I know, it's the next

best thing for my parents.

- I have a lot of um, Asian friends,

- Okay.

so we'll go like dinner,

karaoke... It's so much fun.

Wait, hold on, time out, why do

you have so many Asian friends?

Well, I started off as

a computer science major.

I love chocolate, but what girl doesn't?

I'm a big... I'm a big chocolate fan.

You like chocolate too.

My parents love talking

about blood pressure,

forever they've always been talking, BP,

what's your BP?

Yeah.

So what'd you think of her?

I think she's really cool.

I don't know, we'll see.

I don't know, what'd you think?

You were there, what'd you think?

I guess that's the upside...

...afterwards I can be

like, "So what did you think?

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