Meet the Patels Page #4

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"Should we, uh, should we call her back?"

"I don't know, Geeta, what do you think?

"I don't know if she's for us."

So, there's this one time

we're on this family trip

driving through Tennessee

in the station wagon,

we had to stop

somewhere for the night.

Of course, we're

Patels, we're cheap,

we always stayed in motels.

Then we get to the motel.

Of course, it's owned by a Patel.

That was every trip.

Dad looks back at me with this grin,

'cause he knows he's

hit the jackpot.

Somehow, this is going

to save us money.

He goes in, he goes,

"Hey, you know we need

a room for the night."

The guy looks up.

"Patel?"

"Patel."

Next thing I know,

we're having dinner with them.

I remember, I'm like,

laying on the carpet,

like changing channels on

the TV like it's my place.

Dad is talking to this

uncle, who we just met!

And it's like they've

known each other forever...

Mom's in the kitchen cooking,

you know, making samosas...

It was like a family reunion.

It was almost as if

we had made the trip

just to see them. And of course,

the next day we leave.

And I don't know that we

ever talked to them again.

I don't think we did.

That's what I love about being Patel.

They don't keep score,

they don't count favors.

You are unconditionally

a part of the biggest family in the world.

Hey, Dad...

I'm good. Hey, so listen,

there's a lot of girls from

other parts of the country,

there's a lot of girls from Toronto.

Yeah, that's the problem, like,

what I'm supposed to like...

- Pretty impressive.

- Yeah, that was...

Would have been more impressive if you...

Met the woman of your dreams.

Yeah, I mean, I didn't

come out of that trip

feeling like "Oh, I just met the one."

But I came out of that trip feeling like,

"Okay, I think I will."

And uh, by the way, I felt accomplished

just having gone on 15

dates around the country.

- That's crazy.

- Yeah, right, but for them,

15 was a huge number.

I mean, Dad found

Mom after 12 women.

Yeah but he's clearly

better at this than I am.

I've probably been on 1 to 200.

What?

Yeah.

I've been doing this since I was 20.

And how many of those

resulted in second dates?

None.

Well, we should be talking about you then.

I mean, why are you failing?

So they were, like, trying to pressure me

into like, getting an arranged marriage

and I'm like, no, I don't want to do it,

they were like, let's

put an ad in the paper,

'cause that's what a lot of people do

is they go there, they put

an ad in the classifieds.

In the matrimonial section...

The classified is labeled matrimonial.

It's like, "Seeking an

alliance for our daughter..."

That's like Victorian England.

The fact that the term alliance is used...

- Alliance is the right word.

- Alliance is the right word, yeah.

"Homely and comely," whoever

knows what that means.

"Homely and comely, wheatish complexion."

From my perspective, that sounds

- incredibly racist or odd, you know...

- Yeah.

...but like, right? It does, doesn't it?

They sell a lotion in India

called Fair And Lovely,

and people like, lather it onto their skin.

- It's a skin-bleaching lotion?

- A skin-bleaching lotion...

- No way.

- ...to try and get lighter.

They have a male version now

that's called Fair And Handsome.

Oh!

Fair skin is a big deal.

Like, right now, if my mom

saw me in the sun right now,

she'd be like, "Ahh, your

marriage value is plummeting!"

I got to tell you, like,

based on what I've gone through

with my parents so far, like I

hope it does work, I really do.

You really do? You hope it does?

Absolutely, like, look,

if the end is that I end up

with a girl that I think is amazing

and I want to be with...

I guess I'm just confused

because you've been with

somebody who you love

and think is amazing and

you do want to be with

and now you guys are broken

up which happens and is fine,

but like that prospect is totally gone

if this works out.

Hey.

How are you?

Sister's great, she's uh,

she's in Charlotte right now

and it's awesome.

I've recently...

Yeah, I love when she leaves.

How has your life been

not being Facebook friends with me?

Nothing, it was just a bit of an

earth-shattering moment for me,

I didn't know about it

until like two weeks in,

and then I realized,

I don't even know how I figured it out,

I'm sure I tried to go to your profile

and I wasn't your friend.

Yeah.

What?

Did...

Have I dealt with my inability to commit?

Huh. How do you deal

with that kind of thing?

Um,

I don't know how to deal

with commitment issues.

I mean, you either have

them or you don't, right?

Or like, you have them until you commit,

is that how it goes?

Yeah, so then I still have them.

How do we end this? What do we...

- Do we just say bye?

- Umm.

Well, when do we talk again?

Do we have to like set a date,

or do I like, have to wait

another six weeks or something?

Oh, yeah, so I'm just calling you whenever,

like I'll call you, like

in a month or something?

It's good talking to you, Audrey.

All right...

All right, talk to you later, bye.

Well... she's, I mean...

I'm telling you, our odds

are going to be much better

if you find girls that are in America,

American-born and also...

you know, tend to have a

mixture of friends culturally,

'cause that to me is

the ultimate indicator.

Okay.

Okay, you're probably

right about that, yeah.

This one? It's 17.99 a month.

And then I got to pay for

every date I go on, obviously.

Well, yeah, you have

to pay for the dates...

well, you don't have to,

you can split the dates.

Dutch on the first date,

- unless you like them...

- Do you do that?

Have you ever gone Dutch on a date?

I am a man seeking a woman.

Okay, which best describes your body type.

Go with, "Athletic and toned."

I am athletic and toned!

No, you're not, you

have a few extra pounds.

"Graduate student in neurobiology."

"Science geek"!

Yeah I'm going after her, she's awesome.

This girl is awesome.

Strategically placed

tattoo, yeah, that's so hot.

She's great, she's just great.

All right, so I'll pick

you up at like, 8:00?

Okay.

Neeta.

- Hi!

- Hi, are you Heena?

- Hima. Yeah.

- Hima, oh, I'm sorry.

- Ravi.

- Hi.

I'm gonna have to come

up with more constraints,

this has 566 matches.

- Are you a wedding planner?

- Yes I am.

Her name is... Seema?

Well Mom, she didn't

even email me back.

I can't reply to myself!

The good news is if,

uh, match doesn't work,

you get your money back in like six months,

so it's more like a savings account.

Look at that. That's a fun...

This is a fun girl.

Are we supposed to get

like, a knife or something?

No, you just dig in, like Indian style.

Hey Seema, I'm Ravi...

Yeah, not so good there.

Don't do anything sneaky with the camera...

- Okay.

- I'm, I'm dead serious.

This girl's gonna be cute.

- Nope.

- Ohh...

See ya.

I don't know, there is

something cool about showing up

and feeling like you

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