Merrily We Go to Hell Page #2

I prefer the company of men,

particularly if

they're bartenders.

You see, I figured out

a long time ago

that a punch in the nose heals

much quicker than a broken heart.

Don't tell me

you're a woman-hater.

Not at all. I just don't

think about them very much.

You thought about one once.

I mean, you said something

before we left the house

about having once

been upset by a woman.

Now, how can

one so young have

the memory of a

200-year-old elephant?

I just happen to remember.

Matter of fact, I was

upset by a woman once.

When?

A couple of years ago.

What was her name?

Claire. Claire Hempstead.

Whatever became of her?

She's on the stage.

She's been just as successful

there as she was with me.

Have you any

pictures of her?

Yeah, I got an old

one hanging in my room.

Do you ever look at it?

Once every blue moon.

Say, what is this,

anyway, an inquisition?

No, I guess

I'm a little jealous.

Well, don't be.

I don't blame Claire

'cause any girl would be a

fool to marry a man like me.

Oh, I don't know.

Joan, if I haven't said so

before, I want to tell you now.

You're swell.

You know,

Miss Claire Hempstead,

I've met a girl who's just the

opposite of your lovely, fleshly self,

the first girl that's attracted

me since you opened my veins

and carried away my blood

in a golden bowl.

I wish you'd keep your mind

active instead of your feet.

Well, I'm a son of a gun.

He's come back

from the dead! Jerry!

How are you?

Hello, Buck.

Sulfur and brimstone.

VI:
Hello, Jerry.

Say, Jerry, where you

been keeping yourself?

Yeah, that's right. The police

haven't been able to find me

in my usual haunts

lately, have they?

Why so low, Jerry?

Because, my dear,

I'm going to be married.

What?

Married!

Keep it under your hat.

Hey, Bill.

Well, you're not exactly my

idea of a happy bridegroom.

Well, that's where you're

wrong, Vi. I am happy.

What troubles me is,

have I a right to take a swell

girl and make her my wife?

No.

Your charm is only

exceeded by your frankness.

I think we ought

to celebrate.

So do I.

So do I, Buck.

Let us have champagne,

or at the very least, beer.

Let us have song.

One, two, three...

All we need's a baritone

and we'd have a quartet.

Let's find a baritone. Is

there a baritone in the house?

Is there

a baritone in the house?

He's not sure he's in

love with that girl, Buck.

He's likely to do to her just

what my husband did to me.

Is there

a baritone in the house?

You're not so bad,

Vi, but it's a fact.

This town is full of wives

who closed their eyes, jumped,

and now are

screaming for help.

On the level, Fred,

I'm gonna be married.

Keep it under your hat.

So that's the reason

you haven't been around.

Yeah. But at the moment

we're looking for a baritone.

I don't allow them

in the place.

You don't?

Is there

a baritone in the house?

Are you a baritone?

I'm very sorry.

No baritone.

Are you a baritone?

No, I'm not.

I'm a tenor.

A tenor. You're a tenor.

Are you a baritone?

Hello, Mr. Corbett.

Hello.

If you had your hat on,

I'd tell you

I'm going to be married.

Congratulations.

Who's the lucky girl?

Her name

is Joan Prentice.

Now, be a good girl,

run along and get your hat

and keep what

I told you under it.

All righty.

Is there

a baritone in the house?

No!

It's unbelievable.

There isn't

a baritone in the house.

Oh, yes, there is.

I'm a baritone.

There it is.

You search for happiness, and all

the time it's right behind the bar.

Sir, you're a baritone

and a gentleman.

He's no gentleman.

He's a baritone.

So let's go.

Wait a minute.

Oh, the moonlight's fair

tonight along the Wabash

From the fields there comes

the breath of new-mown hay

Of new-mown hay

Through the sycamores

the candle light is gleaming

On the banks of the Wabash

He's no gentleman

and he's no baritone.

Far away

So far away

Hi, Jerry.

Hi.

Hi, Jerry.

Hello, fellows.

Congratulations, Jerry.

Yeah, it's swell.

I'm awfully glad.

I never thought

you'd do it, kid.

Good luck, Jerry.

Where'd you fellows learn

about it? I haven't told a soul.

No?

Come over here and

get a load of this.

By the way, Corbett, here's

something else may interest you.

Any statement to make

to the press, Corbett?

Any statement I made to you

wouldn't be fit to print.

I don't know. Yours

is just a common case.

When we're young,

we want to marry for love,

and when we're a little

older, we marry a Rolls-Royce.

Cut it out, fellows.

You'd better hold me. One or

two will be enough to hold him.

Now, that'll be enough of

this. Get back to your desks.

Cool off, Jerry.

Cool off.

Now, now, Jerry.

Try and keep your high

spirits from bubbling over.

In the third place,

he wasn't worth it,

in the second place,

it was a good punch,

and in the first place,

forget it.

Yeah, well,

I've forgotten it already.

So have I.

What this country needs

is more blondes like that

and more men like me.

You know, Jerry,

I can just feel those

soft arms around me now.

Can you, Buck?

Hello.

May I speak to

Mr. Corbett, please?

You certainly can.

It's for you.

Thanks.

Hello. Why, dear,

what's the matter?

It's nothing. Only,

Dad wants to know if you

can come out and see him now.

Now?

Why, yeah, I guess so.

Yes, sure.

Sure, dear.

I'll be right out. All right.

Goodbye.

What's the matter?

I've just had an

invitation to the dance.

James, me cuffs

and me sword, please.

I'm off to the wars

in Flanders.

I never talked

to you, Corbett,

because I never thought

we'd have anything in common.

I see I was mistaken.

After inquiring about you, I find

we have less in common than ever.

Nevertheless, I feel I have a

right to ask you certain questions.

Certainly.

What is your salary?

$85 a week.

And then, of course,

whatever I sell on the side.

Joan has been used

to every luxury, Corbett.

I never taught her

the value of money

because I didn't intend she

should ever have to know it.

She will have to

know it, Mr. Prentice.

You're determined to

marry her, are you?

Did it ever occur to you

that she might love me?

You think, don't you, that

as Damery says in the paper,

I'm taking a chance

with the Prentice millions.

I think it would be pleasant if you

had enough money to quit your job

and write your plays.

Aren't you doing something

known as beating about the bush?

Precisely.

I'm offering you

money to give up Joan.

How much?

$50,000.

Is that your

final offer?

Yes.

Well, it's not enough,

Mr. Prentice,

'cause it just happens that

Joan means much more to me

than $50,000

means to you.

I never intended to take a single

dollar from you, and I never will.

Bless you, Jerry.

I just couldn't stay

outside any longer.

I heard what Jerry said about

taking money from you, Father,

and I feel

just as he does.

Parents die hard

when it comes

to giving up

a daughter, Corbett,

an only child.

I'm fighting

a losing battle.

You've won.

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