Michael Page #4

...if you're interested.

What are we held for?

Destruction of property, assault...

...disturbing the peace.

The Magistrate...

...will be here in the morning.

- I had nothing to do with this.

- 'Night.

We have a phone call coming to us.

Ralph got thrown in jail, but at least

he had the decency to keep me out of it.

I don't want to spend the night here.

I hate you.

What? You hate me?

- Not you.

- You hate me?

- Not you.

- Process of elimination.

Who's Ralph?

Another...

...husband...

...has popped up.

Maybe Sparky can get us out.

Go in the drawer and get the key.

Go in the drawer...

...and get the key.

Dorothy can make him do it.

Dorothy's good with dogs.

I have noticed this.

Dogs don't talk.

They don't shave.

They don't run off in your Camaro.

When you want them to take

a bath, you make an appointment.

Sit. Stay.

Roll over.

Now.

What?

Apologize.

Say you're sorry.

To her?

Be serious.

Or...

...I am not going to...

"Chicago...

"... Chicago...

"... that toddling town,

that toddling town

"Chicago...

"... Chicago

"I'll show you around

"You'll love it"

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

You cold?

Here, take my blanket, okay?

I'm going to sleep.

Me too.

All rise, all rise.

Bickel County Court is in session,

Hon. Judge Esther Newberg presiding.

Please rise.

Be seated.

Now...

...you are charged with...

...disturbing the peace,

destruction of property.

$1,200 worth.

I spoke to Jenny.

Who's...

- ... Jenny?

- That's his wife.

That sweet painting above the bar...

"... Two Moose Hunters in a Canoe,"

smashed to smithereens.

That is so sad.

- Isn't this a conflict of interest?

- Did I say...

...you could speak?

I know someone who restores

paintings. I said:

"Stop crying, I'll take care of it. "

Who can tell me exactly

what happened...

...last night?

I can.

- Anyone else?

- We were having dinner.

- Not you.

- If I may.

Put your hand down.

You.

Please.

In chambers.

All rise, all rise.

The court of Bickel County,

Judge Esther Newberg presiding...

...is now in recess.

Please rise.

"Love, love, love

"Love, love, love

"Love, love, love

"It's easy

"All you need is love

"All you need is love

"All you need is love, love

"Love is all you need

"There's nothing you can

know that isn't known

"There's no one you can save

that can't be saved

"Nothing you sing can't be sung

"But you can learn how to play the game

"It's easy

"All you need is love"

Come on, sing.

"All you need is love"

Not you. Not yet.

"All you need is love"

Just the guys.

Come on, fellas.

"Love is all you need

- "Love is all you need"

- Bring it down.

Wait a minute. Wait.

- Meadsboro, one mile.

- So?

That's where the world's largest

non-stick frying pan is.

We are not stopping to see the

world's largest non-stick frying pan.

- Why not?

- Because we have to get back.

Me too. But before that happens...

...I'd like to see the largest

non-stick frying pan.

- It is on the way.

- When we stop, he gets us in trouble.

He also gets us out of trouble.

What? Well, he does.

That judge just took

one look at him and...

What is that?

What is it about you?

As a woman, could you explain that?

How should I know? I'm not

the least bit attracted to him.

- No offense, but I'm not.

- I put a block on you.

- Sure.

- I did.

All right.

To continue.

"Presumably, this frying pan

was coated...

"... with Teflon to save a wee bit...

"... on the amount of cholesterol

ingested by the town of Meadsboro...

"... when they get together to honor...

- "... the egg. "

- We're not stopping.

You have 10 seconds

to change your mind.

Ten hippopotamus...

...nine hippopotamus...

How much more attractive is he

than I am? Be honest with me.

Huey, this is not healthy.

...five hippopotamus...

...four hippopotamus...

...three, two, one!

No jack. Of course there is no jack.

Just ask him to fix it.

He blew it. He can fix it.

Come back here and fix this tire.

No can do.

I miss my wife.

I don't miss any of my husbands.

Although Bradley was handy with a jack.

He had to be.

I don't want to ask why.

His tires were bald.

His tires were bald, so was his head.

I wish he'd called, but now he's dead.

He's not dead, he wasn't bald.

Poetic license.

"His tires were bald...

"... and they went flat

"So did our love...

"... and that was that"

Maybe you could write

a song about my wife.

Do you love her?

Yeah, she drives me wild.

What about her?

She had her lips done.

Had little bits of fat...

...squeezed into them.

Now my wife has lips like a blowfish.

But in a good way.

"My wife has lips like a blowfish"

I don't see it, but I could be wrong.

If I had any talent as a Country

singer, I wouldn't be sitting here.

"Sitting on the side of the road

in the middle of nowhere"

Sounds awfully familiar.

It's good though.

This is one godforsaken road.

I bet you no one ever comes down it.

Yeah, well, they won't stop, though.

Bet you need a jack.

Then what happened was...

...he came as a hundred mouths,

open and stinking with decay...

...and he tore at my flesh

from every angle of Heaven.

I grabbed Beelzebub's blue

tongue in my fist...

Who's Beelzebub?

Beelzebub is Satan.

Michael, get in the car.

- What'll it be, folks?

- Do you have pie?

Do we have pie?

You're in the pie capital of America.

Well, we want...

We want pie. What have you got?

I got them memorized, okay? Ready?

We got apple, of course...

...banana cream, coconut

cream, sour cream raisin.

Chocolate cream?

Definitely. Chocolate cream...

...and...

...strawberry rhubard pie and...

...cherry...

...and lemon meringue.

We want two slices of everything.

And vanilla ice cream on the side.

- Bliss.

- That's banana cream, that's chocolate.

Everybody get out of my banana cream.

That's the pie.

What is, what is this pie?

Sour cream raisin.

What is it about pie?

There's nothing prettier than pie...

...with scalloped edges and slits

in the top for the heat to escape.

Pie gives you the sense that you're

a 4-square person...

...living in a 4-square country.

- A pie says home.

- As American as apple pie.

I wish I invented pie.

I did.

I'm just kidding.

That was a good one.

God is in His Heaven

and all's right with the world.

My mother...

- ... made a great-

- Blueberry pie.

So do I.

I have to say I like...

...cream pie more than fruit pie.

Me too.

That is so wrong.

I like them all.

I like you.

Sing your song about pie.

You have a song about pie?

Actually I do.

Sing, Dorothy.

Now.

"Pie, pie...

"... me, oh, my

"Nothing tastes sweet,

wet, salty, and dry

"All at once so well as pie

"Apple, pumpkin,

mince and black bottom

"I'll come to your place...

"... every day if you've got 'em

Pie, me, oh, my, I love pie"

Sing another song.

It's in B flat. It's pretty basic but

watch out for the retard down there.

I'm nervous.

You'll have to forgive me,

it's a work in progress.

Don't apologize, Dorothy. Okay.

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