Midnight Sex Run Page #2

---

Oh, ok.

So uh, what's up? Kind of a

slow night around here.

Slow night?

I have a feeling things are

about to speed up for you.

How do you mean?

Oh, Ted. I knew you were heinous...

... but I didn't think you were stupid too.

Well... surprise.

Hey, how did she know your name?

Oh, I know everything about you.

I've been planning this very

moment for a long time.

Well that's a long time.

It was an eternity, Jordan.

Okay now she knows my name.

That's not good. Let's go.

You're not free to go yet.

In due time we will unleash

you upon this satanic,

garbage heap of a city.

We? Who's we?

Go upstairs and find out.

Go rub your face in it.

No, thank you.

We're going to go. Good night.

[Gun Cock]...

... This isn't a sorority house is it?

[Spit]...

... I said go. Now.

MUSIC...

... Boo.

What?

Do you guys really not recognize me?

Nope.

Let me tell you a story

about where I come from.

It's a magical place of sunshine,

sing-a-longs and s'mores.

And of course, obstacle courses.

That place sounds fun.

Oh it's fun, Ted.

Fun, fun, fun, 'til his

buddies took his penis away.

Oh my God it's you...

... Jeff.

In the flesh.

Most of it anyway.

We feel terrible.

We feel rotten.

It was a prank but you know what?

It looks like you've done

really well for yourself.

Your little prank...

... blew off 89 percent of my

penis and testicles.

I had to watch a fox trot by

and eat my dispatched manhood.

Have you ever watched a fox

eat you dispatched manhood?

I've had some really bad oral sex.

The doctors didn't know what

to do with what remained.

My mother and I had some

painful decisions to make.

I'm sure whatever you chose

is quite beautiful.

I chose this.

You kidnapped our dads?

Where are they?

Are they here? Dad.

You don't kidnap a guy's dad.

They're somewhere safe. For now.

Okay look, I'm on the

verge of booking a very,

very big Band-Aid commercial.

When I do, we'll split the money

with you. Give us back our dads.

You two haven't changed a bit.

Weasels 'till the end.

Money can't save your fathers.

Only you can.

I don't follow.

Well I do follow. Literally.

Turns out that spying can be

a very lucrative business...

...when you call it 'surveillance'.

Through my very own company,

Buddy System,

I've monitored your sexual

nihilism, your ungrateful...

... standard-free gluttony of cocksmanship.

Okay. We used to be like that in our 20's...

...but, we can't get sh*t anymore.

No one wants to f*** us.

Spare me.

You have 24 hours to sleep with

ten women of various races,

ages, subcultures,

and professions.

Women that I have been only

able to fantasize about...

... and now you are my avatars...

... recording the ecstasy that

I can only imagine...

... and then when you finish the mission...

... your fathers will be free.

You have 24 hours to screw

a total of ten women.

This is like a midnight sex run.

And to be clear, you are not to

call the police. If you do,

your dads will die.

Great.

Jeff will be in constant

communication with you...

... over your walkies talkies.

Once you finish the first

carnal assignment,

buzz Jeff and he will give

you the next target...

... and so on and so forth.

Is that clear?

Who's the first to go? Who's

the first carnal assignment?

When Jeff was first in the hospital he met...

... a very kind nurse.

Your first conquest of the

evening will be a nurse.

Just any old nurse?

I know a nurse.

She's a masseuse but--...

... That's great. One down.

No. No one you know.

They must all be fresh.

You contact any of the loosie

goosies you may know,

and we will shoot and stab your fathers.

You're insane.

For verification,

we are providing you with

cameras to record the deed.

They feed directly to Jeff's

bedroom monitors...

...and in addition, you are both

being issued a power pack...

... to aid your coitus and

Jeff's viewing pleasure.

What are these pills?

You get one Viagra and one Roofie each.

Roofie? What do we need a roofie for?

In case you need help solving a

problem. I was being merciful.

Don't give me the evil eye.

The clock is ticking.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

This is the dumbest thing

I've ever heard of.

Congratulations.

F*** you.

Are you on your period Mrs.

Ribalow?

[car start]...

... 'Hello. You got me...

... under your spell...

... and I fell right away.

Hello--'

Sorry. I had to do that.

Some people get a sick

pleasure holding it in,

but that ain't me, mac.

It's alright. Just crack a window.

Wiseguy.

Alright, how'd that go?

One down?

No. I was talking to one but

some Mexican guy interrupted us.

Cock blocked you?

He was stabbed.

Ruined the vibe...

... Yeah a little bit.

Well let's think. Where would

a nurse go on her break?

There's got to be a bar

around here somewhere.

How about we just pull in back

and wait for one to come out?

Yeah. I was going to say check the back.

Hey, we're gonna be good at this.

MUSIC...

... You know this is impossible right?

Ten women in 24 hours?

I haven't had a fresh one in two years.

I can't even get a girl to talk

to me let alone suck our d*cks.

You have the wrong attitude.

We've never had a reason

to try this hard.

Technically, this should be fun.

I was thinking about it on

the way over here and uh...

... I'm gonna do six, okay?

You do four.

Thanks.

Yeah.

We should never have thrown

that firecracker.

Ya well, who knew it would

take this long to explode.

In our faces.

Hey.

Let's roll.

Good evening. Nice night.

Ya, I guess.

It's a busy night too...

...my friend here was just in the

emergency room he said it was...

... really rockin'.

Ya well,

nobody ever takes the night off

from f***in' themselves up.

Ain't that the truth.

You said it.

Sure did.

I guess uh, judging from your

cigarette there you don't work...

... in the cancer ward.

Nope.

Cancer patients are boring as f***.

I'm in the burn ward.

The burn ward?

Wow, that's great.

Ted, did you hear that?

She's in the burn ward.

Terrific. Thank you.

Say, I bet after working in that

ward all day, people outside...

... in the regular world, they

probably look pretty attractive...

... am I right?

I suppose it ain't hard.

You're probably thinking my

friend and I are kind of cute.

Right? I mean we have all of our skin,

most of our hair,

and all your fingers and toes.

Yeah. I suppose it's a step up.

I bet you're also pretty

stressed out right?

Being on your feet all day,

your shoulders are probably

real knotted. Right?

You probably wouldn't mind

a little free massage.

That's what we're doing.

My mom taught me a real special

technique on the shoulders...

... Can I-- Can I demonstrate?

MUSIC...

... Sure, why not?

Alright. It's real simple just

relax. Take a deep breath.

And exhale.

There it is.

That looks great.

I bet it feels even better.

Just gonna get up here in the solar flex...

... and you're just gonna

close your eyes and...

... maybe we can make you a wet nurse.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes