Midnight Sex Run Page #3

---

Ted's going to start working on your--...

... What you doing?

I was gonna work the--...

... Ah no, I'm good, I'm good.

Just right there.

I got a little--...

... Okay. I'm gonna keep working up here.

Yo. I said no. What the hell?

Okay, well, hold on.

Wait a second.

Nurse, just give us one more

second. We'll go a little slower...

... Get back out here.

It's not safe to leave in

the middle of a massage.

C'mon. We'll go slower

if that's what you want.

Let's just put a pin in this one and then...

... we'll come back and get her later.

No. Nurse. Nurse. Nurse.

Who the f*** is giving

back rubs out here?

MUSIC...

... Hey Jeff, uh, roger,

ten four, copy...

... [Beep]...

... That was fast.

Where's my video?

Jeff, nurse was really hard.

Could you give us an easier one?

Help us get our heads in the game?

Tell him nurse was hard.

Tell him how hard nurse was.

That's extremely disappointing

and totally against the rules.

But, okay. Just this once.

This is your mulligan.

I have something here.

Something easy.

When I finally got out of the hospital...

...my entire world had changed.

MUSIC...

... I was despised. Or so it

seemed from my eyes.

People looked at me strange,

treated me like I had mange.

Passersby looked at me with sad eyes,

This is cool.

It's kinda like a rap.

I was marginalized.

Neighbors who once baked me treats...

... now crossed the street

to avoid the freak.

I like it. Keep going.

You see,

I know what it's like to live

on the outskirts of a society...

... that would rather have me vanish.

But I didn't.

I survived and thrived and I'm still alive.

Much like your next target.

You will now give your love...

... to a homeless lady.

I just got 40 dollars,

just in case...

... we need to pay somebody to f*** it.

What'd you guys decide?

Looks like we're going to skid row.

Okay...

...Jordan used to like the Doors

song where he goes:

'Father?'

'Yes son...'

'I'm going to kill you.'

Spooky to think about that now.

You know, don't jump

all over me, but uh,

I don't think I ever told Ted I love him.

And do you?

Of course.

I just choose to show it in, uh,

non-verbal, more monetary way.

He knows I do.

He has to.

Just so we're clear.

it's your turn to f***.

Oh really? 'Cause you haven't

f***ed anybody yet.

It doesn't matter.

It's based on attempts.

You see? I tried one,

you gotta try one.

Uh, excuse me? Sir?

Ya, you, little guy.

Would you mind helping me

with this kitty litter?

It's just a little too heavy for me.

Me?

Yes you. You.

Appreciate it. It's just too

heavy for me to do by myself.

Sure.

As long as you don't make me

scoop it up later.

You are so funny.

Thank you so much.

I'll get the rest of 'em.

Well aren't you a gentleman.

You know, this is going to

sound really lame but,

did anyone ever tell you that

you look just like Bob Dylan?

Once or twice, yeah.

You do. You do. Just like him.

Well, not now, I mean,

back when I saw him in San

Francisco which was so long ago.

I'm embarassed to tell

you how many years--...

...'Well you have yourself a

nice night young lady.'

Oh my Gosh, that was so great.

Thank you so much.

My friends will be so

jealous that Bob Dylan...

...helped me with my groceries.

I'm just in a dither.

Thank you so much.

[giggle]...

... MUSIC...

...Oh, hey lady you forgot your--...

... Lady. Hey. Hey lady. Hey.

You just missed a song about you.

Play it again.

Okay.

It's actually kind of good.

'Honey I knew

that we were through--...

... It's alright. I like it.

- - dreams got really bad.

Honey I do want you to prove...

...that you know how to be a man.

And I do love you.'

There's a cluster right there.

Pull over.

Pull over, pull over, pull over.

Alright.

That looks rough.

What do you want to do? Knock on

some flaps, like cold call?

Yeah. That's fine.

They're all on crack.

It makes them really horny.

Here, you go do this one,

and I'm gonna stay here...

... and mentally prepare for the next one.

MUSIC...

... Sup.

Excuse me,

I never do this but are you

looking for some company?

I brought some snacks.

You set off the f***ing alarm, man.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize.

Who?

I'll tell everyone. Oh. Get it.

You know, you should lay some

memory foam down on the floor.

Make it a lot more comfortable for you.

Who?

Oh I got you some uh-- I

got you a veggie tray.

Who?

With ranch dip. Do you like ranch?

Who?

Who? Is that just something

that you say a lot?

You should eat something I think.

Something kind of healthy.

Get you back on track.

Or you could just eat your boogers...

... 'Hello you got me...

... under your spell --'

Do you like wine?

P*ssy.

I got a bottle of white wine.

Doesn't this look good?

Hold on.

You can have this--...

... Shut up.

You can have this whole bottle

of white wine to yourself,

I'm not gonna have any,

if you give me one kiss.

I think that's a pretty sweet deal.

Okay?

Hold on.

Just a quick smootch and you get to--...

... [slap]...

... Ow.

See that wasn't so bad right?

Oh my God...

... How's the wine?

Do you--...

... Who?

Look I'm gonna take a--...

... This is going so well

I'm gonna take a video.

Okay? Don't freak out.

F***in' pussies.

I think you're doing great.

Okay.

Who?

Who?

Mother.

Who? Who?

We're live.

Jeff, it's uh, nine-ish on skid row on uh--...

... [spit].

I'm here with a homeless woman.

And uh,

I don't have much time for the

Viagra I just kinda gotta...

... go in.

So um,

do what you gotta do.

Now do you have AIDS? Or HIV?

[coughing]...

... That's a yes, right?

Hey, that's enough.

That's enough.

Alright?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ah.

[BITE]

AH.

AHH.

Oh. Great. Bravo.

OW. AH. DON'T.

You're not gonna make it

through the night.

You and your little friend out

there. You're gonna fail.

And you're gonna burn in hell,

and drown in sh*t and blood forevermore.

[laughing]...

... Ah.

Is that a check?

No. She was trouble. She bit me.

She bit me.

What gives, momma? They're doing

a no good, terrible job.

I think even I could do better.

Not true, dear.

You don't have the...

... equipment.

Here's what I got.

Kick off with 'Piggies',

then slide into 'Sexy Sadie',

and then BAM,

'Savoy Truffle'.

[chuckle]...

... MUSIC...

... Hey. Hey.

It's only fun if we listen to each others.

What're we doing again?

We're re-sequencing

the White Album. For fun.

Oh, the Beatles, aka the Fantastic Four.

Oooooooooo...

... You're next target is a

fifty-something house wife.

Don't let me down boys.

Give it to her good and juicy.

Ten four. Jeff. Good and juicy.

What does that mean? Juicy?

I don't know, but where the

f*** are we going to find a...

...fifty-something year old house

wife at ten o'clock at night?

They're all asleep.

[phone vibrate].

Oh great. My mom is texting me.

She said, 'Where dad is?'

She always sounds like a black

lady when she texts me.

I got it.

MUSIC...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes