Midnight Sex Run Page #4

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... Cut the engine.

Turn off the lights.

Her house is all dark.

That's good.

Why do you think this lady

wants to f*** you so bad?

Because, she said I look like Bob Dylan.

Every girl who's ever said that

has eventually slept with me.

I think you look like Liev Schreiber.

Well, that's why we're not having sex.

Hey, I'm gonna stay in the car

on this one, alright?

Uh, negative.

Well she probably has the mace.

I'm real allergic to the mace.

Ya, she's got mace.

It's in her purse.

You're coming with me, alright?

We gotta do this for Jeff.

We f***ed up that last two.

This makes up for it.

We do it together, alright?

She doesn't like me.

She likes you.

No, no, no, she's like a fun,

funky, new age kind of lady.

She likes everybody.

C'mon. We're going to show her

the time of her life in there.

[knock, knock]...

... [doorbell ring]...

... She's not here. Let's go.

[doorbell ring]...

... She's not home.

Oh. Bob Dylan?

(Doing Dylan) It's me.

[laughter]...

... You left your purse in the parking lot.

Oh my God.

I tried to stop you but you

were just zooming away.

Thank you so much.

I just-- Total brain fart moment.

I already cancelled all my cards.

No, well, what are you gonna do?

That's life.

No, it's my fault. I should

of gotten it to you sooner.

No, please don't. No, no.

The bag is now back with it's

rightful, negligent owner.

It's all that matters.

It's all good.

Well the good news is all of your pens...

... and most of your gum is still there.

You can check. Go ahead.

Oh, please, no, no, I trust you.

It's all good, it's all good.

Thank you so much.

Your karma is good to go.

Thanks, thank you so much.

Night, night.

Oh my gosh, I'm sorry.

Could I write you a check?

I mean you deserve a reward, right?

If you insist. Maybe

some milk and cookies?

You want to come in my house?

I mean, unless I'm gonna

wake your husband.

Oh, no. Not at all, not at all.

I was just, I-- I--...

... Oh...

Hello.

Is he with you?

He is.

That's Ted.

Say hi, Ted.

Hey, what's up?

Hi.

And here, my funky new friends,

is your quiche.

That is yummy looking.

I love it.

Ta-da, Enjoy.

Thank you, Billie.

Oh, you're welcome.

So, you guys, give me the scoop.

You have girlfriends.

Boyfriends?

Wives?

No, Billie, we're single just like you.

No, no that's just baloney.

It is not baloney.

Here, check my phone.

Go ahead. Scroll through

the texts, emails--...

... No, no, no.

You go ahead and check it.

What does it matter?

I'm just teasing.

Oh...

Well...

It's not nice to tease, Billie.

[laughter]...

... You guys are so fun.

You got me.

Well, I am gonna get

another bottle of vino.

Yes. If you will stay for just one more.

We'll stay 'till you kick us out. Yes ma'am.

Really? Oh, it's fine by me.

Stay forever, I mean--...

... [laughter]...

... MUSIC...

... You're acting weird.

Ya, I know. You think she can tell?

I'm really trying not to.

What're you doing?

Oh I'm just going to Roofie her,

we gotta get this thing--...

... Why would you Roofie her?

It's going well but, you know--...

... No, it's not going well.

She's not sexual at all.

Let's just eat out quiche and--...

... Hey. Hey.

We need this, okay?

This is gonna energize us.

Get us over the hump.

Please don't do that.

What are you doing?

What'd I say?

So, what are you two

whispering about?

Ted was just telling me how

pretty he thinks you are.

What?

Ya, Ted. Tell Billie what you just told me...

... about how pretty she is.

I said, uh, Jordan,

this is a pretty lady.

That's a fact.

Oh, you guys.

I'm gonna cry.

Here's to us.

Bottoms up.

Cheers.

Bottoms up. Okay.

Yummy.

You're chugging it.

Oh...

... [laughter]...

... It's gonna be a fun night.

I-- I wish that my daughter

could meet good, great guys...

... like you and Ben.

My name's Ted, Billie.

Ted.

What's you daughter's name,

Billie?

Mmm, Magda.

Magda. That's so pretty.

It is.

She's an angel.

She's beautiful.

She is, it's true.

But she won't eat, you guys.

She doesn't eat. Just maybe

like, like almonds and...

... and that's it.

And I-- I have told her-- and told--...

... I'm a good mom.

But she's just wasting

away before my eyes.

She might be anorexic.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, she's...

... Anor-- anor--...

... --rexic.

rexic.

She's beautiful.

Believe me.

Beautiful.

She has all this fur now.

And she has these sideburns.

She's like-- she's like

my own little sloth now.

You know maybe I could cook

for her sometime.

Good luck.

[laughter]...

... Fat chance.

Ah. No, no, no.

Skinny chance.

Get it?

[laughter]...

... That's good.

That's funny.

[crying]...

... She's my baby.

My baby is killing herself.

She is, but she can't die. No.

No she can't. I won't let her.

Like I said I could cook her

a really great meal.

You know, maybe change her tune.

Yeah, you do that.

What's your story,

morning glory? Huh?

You don't talk much.

I think you guys should just talk.

Have you--...

...Have you heard Jordan's Dylan?

No.

You have to do it for Tim.

Tim, Tim, you have to hear this.

Close your eyes and then just listen.

Do it. Do it.

(Dylan) I love hanging out

with Billie and Tim.

[laughter]...

... Isn't that great?

That was great.

Isn't that spot on?

Oh. I don't know how you guys do

it but I have to go hit the hay.

Well, sweet dreams.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sit back down, sit back down.

Not yet, not yet, not yet,

not yet, not yet, not yet.

I have a surprise for us.

Yeah. It's a game.

Game?

Yeah. We're gonna play a game.

Magda has a Nintendo in her room.

Oh no, no, no.

Not that kind of game.

This is a brand new game.

It's called, 'The Butt Game'.

What?

Yeah.

We all are gonna show our butts

against that wall right there...

... for ten seconds each.

No. You're crazy.

That's not a real game.

No, it is a real game.

It's my game.

And it's easy because we all win.

You just show your butt,

and then, you win.

Why would we do that?

Yeah, why would we do that?

Because, Ben,

it's to show that it's not a

big deal to have a butt.

Okay? We all have a butt.

By showing them,

we free ourselves from...

... all this stupid business about butts.

You know what?

I'm gonna go first.

Aww, that's a cute little butt.

Yeah. I gotta cute butt.

[laughter]...

...Alright. What a fun new game.

Who's next?

Me. I'm next.

Alright, Ted's next.

Here we go.

Look, Billie. Ted's trying to

show you something.

Oh my goodness.

Ugly butt.

Ha ha. Billie doesn't like Ted's butt.

Billie likes my butt better, huh?

I do. I do.

That was ten. Sorry that

didn't work for you, Billie.

I'm sleepy.

Alright, who's up now?

I think I know who's up next.

Billie do you know who's up next?

You're up next.

It's Billie's butt.

She doesn't want to play.

Of course she does.

She just needs a little help.

C'mon, help her out.

Don't worry, we're here for you.

Alright. Here we go.

Up against the butt wall.

What am I doing again?

It's the butt game.

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