Midnight Sex Run Page #5

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No, no, no. That's okay.

No, no. Billie, Billie,

Ted and I already went so it's your turn.

Now remember we're

having a great time.

So you don't want to ruin it.

Alright?

It's not like you have to spread

it or anything. Let's go.

Fine. Give me a sec. Jeez.

Wow that's great, Billie.

Billie, you're doing a great job.

...4, 5, oh no, no...

... Okay, okay.

Alright.

Now the game's over.

Get the camera.

We need to leave before she

wakes up and calls the police.

No, no, no. I'm going in.

MUSIC...

... What do you mean you're going in?

There's no time for right or

wrong right now, okay?

I'm going in. Get the camera.

Jordan, this is frat boy,

Roofie rape.

If you're forced to go on a

midnight sex run,

you gotta break a few eggs.

Now please get the camera.

Start filming.

Billie?

Get the camera.

Alright, go.

Hey, Jeff. Jordan here.

At the house of a fifty-

something year old house wife.

Things were going great.

Uh, we chose to use the

roofie you provided...

... just to expedite things --...

... Roofies?

- - because we're a little behind schedule.

She seemed pretty willing though and...

... she's a little passed out right now,

but I think in the morning, she

won't think twice about this.

Here we go.

Hey Jeff, this doesn't seem like you.

I'm real disappointed, man.

But if it gets my dad back,

f*** it.

MOTHER.

Billie, you seem like a real nice lady, so,

thanks for taking one for the team.

Stop. Stop.

There seems to have been a

breach in protocol.

Just evacuate the premises immediately.

Okay, we'll mark this off as

tagged just get your sh*t...

... and get out of there.

Ten four...

... Momma. Momma.

You've gone too far this time

and I won't have it.

You gave the roofies?

They almost did a deed that

can't be taken back.

Jeff, they robbed you blind.

You'll never know what it's like

to lie naked with a woman.

Huh.

And my grandchildren were

murdered that day.

All the little babies just zapped.

You weren't there.

Ted and Jordan, we we're just

kids. They didn't mean it.

All my life I've just wanted to

be friends with them...

...and momma maybe now I can be

friends with them.

No.

I won't speak their names but

those demons are not...

... nor will they ever be your friends.

I'm sorry sweetheart but

it's judgement night.

I understand.

I do. And I want them to go on

this filthy sex run,

but it's not going as we planned it.

Oh, yes it is. It's going

exactly as I planned it.

Now, go to bed, dear.

Don't make me make you go to bed.

MUSIC:

Hey, you alright? Stay focued.

I wanna quit.

C'mon. Think about your dad.

Think about my dad.

She was good to us.

She gave us quiche...

...and you tried to f***in' show

her your butt and rape her.

Cut the f***in' rape,

sh*t talk out.

That's the kind of sh*t that

follows someone around.

You're f***ed in the head.

You're f***ed.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Hey. Hey, what the f*** are you doing?

I ca-- I can't.

I'm do-- I'm done. I can't.

I don't feel sexy.

I feel fat.

Did you hear what Billie

said about my butt?

She said it was gross.

Hey, c'mon. We're doing good,

alright? We're getting there.

We're getting nowhere.

Nobody wants to sleep with us.

Everyone thinks we're creepy.

And we are creepy.

God damnit. This is so you.

Things get a little difficult,

it must be time to pack it in.

I didn't get into the one grad

school I applied to.

I guess I'll just be a delivery

boy for the rest of my life.

That's big talk coming from

someone who almost booked...

... a Wheat Thins commercial

two years ago.

Okay, now you're proving my

point. We've done nothing but...

... disappoint our dads our entire lives.

We finally have a chance

to make it up to them...

... by completing this midnight sex run.

Will you stop calling it midnight sex run?

Fine, you can call it whatever

you want, but we're not done.

We got one down,

a few more to go.

We've got none down.

We got none of them.

Why'd they give us that roofie

tonight? Think about it.

They wanted to film us raping that lady.

They want us to get caught.

You think they're gonna let our dads go?

You think they're gonna

let us go after that?

No. We're gonna go to jail.

We're gonna be orphans in jail.

And then we're gonna get raped.

And consciously.

No. F*** it. I'm done. I'm done.

I was prepared to take a

bullet for you tonight.

Now I guess I don't have a choice.

Where the f*** are you gonna go?

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go save our dads.

Oh, and when I do,

if we need someone to

deliver us a victory cake,

I'll give you a call.

I didn't talk to my father

for a whole year once.

A year? What'd you do?

He ws eating some flap jacks

and he got some...

...syrup up around his mouth there,

and I just said to him,

'Hey pop it looks like you

got lip gloss on.'

Oh man, he belted me.

My old man didn't go in

for that gay business.

You emasculated him.

You challenged his role as protector.

Well, he's not here to protect me now.

It's up to my Jordan and your

Ted. And this midnight sex run.

Hey.

Jordan, um, I-- I'm sorry

about the misunderstanding.

Ya you should be.

F*** it. It's dad saving time.

Who's next?

Well, um... midget.

No. Too stupid.

F***. Um, well, I think I have

something written down.

A midget. No...

a punk rock girl.

Punk rock girl. You got it.

Listen, Ted and I split up for this one.

Just so you know, we're

not together anymore.

Oh, um, I guess that's okay...

...but, I kind of always pictured

you two doing it together.

Yeah. Me too.

Ah. Ah. Rawr.

Cock-brains chinks wanna throw

out perfectly good slaw.

Hello?

Yeah, I just lost my wallet or soething.

Do you want some help looking for it?

Oh sh*t, I thought you were a cop,

or at least you were Sanjaya.

Who's that? Is Sanjaya your boyfriend?

Oh ya, I'm just f***ing in love...

... with the towel head that

manages this sh*t hole.

[laughter]...

...I have a wallet if you want me

to get you something.

If you wanna have a party or something,

I can buy us some stuff.

Oh wow...

...A jew with a wallet willing to

part with some f***ing cash.

Ted,

You there, friend?

Listen, you were right about the roofies.

That wasn't me.

I wouldn't to that. Okay?

Hey, how's my dad doing?

Fine, um, we got him some pizza.

I think he's re-sequencing the

White Album or something?

Ya my dad loves the Beatles.

You're a lucky guy.

He's really-- He's really cool.

F*** it.

Alright, give me my next assignment.

Really? You mean it?

Yeah, before I change my mind.

Who's next? Who's next?

Fantastic. Well I've always

wanted to see you go toe to toe...

... with a female comedianne.

That's great.

There's a stand up place called

the Belly Laughs...

...about four blocks away from you.

I'm tracking you movements.

It's cool, huh?

Yeah, that's awesome.

Copy that.

Back the f*** up, Pablo.

This dumpster is ocupado.

Is that your boyfriend?

F*** off, Screech.

Give me my Jesus piss.

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